So, my gf (29f) ‘s father is a businessman. He has started, developed, and sold multiple businesses. That’s what he does, or has done for the past several years, as long as we’ve known each other.

One of the problems is he has not been totally honest with gf’s family. He is a very charming, outgoing, fun loving guy. I get the sense he never wants to ‘ruin the mood’ by admitting any negativity.

He has mortgaged his and gf’s mom’s house, for around $400,000. He asked my gf if she wanted to invest in his latest business (this was just before the pandemic). She didn’t give him a definitive answer, wanted to think about it. He either misinterpreted this, or assumed she would change her mind, and withdrew $5000 from her savings account and invested it in his new business. He promised the business would work out and the money would be returned, he has built businesses and sold them before.

Recently, he has had to declare bankruptcy. His business is at a loss; multiple people who invested will not get their money back. There was a chance gf’s parents would need to sell their house. This obviously caused my gf and her mother a great deal of stress. And anger at her father.

A couple of days ago, we found out he had taken dirty money. From what I understand, he was very desperate for investments. Some guys who own strip clubs, weed dispensaries, and rumoured to be involved in less legal drugs, gave him $500,000. He promised to return their investment when he sold the business, in ‘clean’ money, or stake in the business. He told them the business has gone under, and unfortunately they won’t be getting their money back. They said no, and have given him until a week to pay up. I didn’t hear the conversation my gf had with her mom, but apparently these guys have threatened him. Her mom feels unsafe, and feels he is unsafe.

She expressed that she is thinking of leaving him. That he has repeated this behavior again and again. My gf said that were she in the outside hearing about this, she would agree, that she should leave him. It’s a horrible decision. They both are now without retirement savings in their mid 50s, but this is the level of stress he has put on her.

My gf is just incredibly distressed. She is worried about her fathers safety. Apparently he has someone he can get the $500,000 from to pay these guys off, but we just don’t know. We’re in the dark. And it’s a pretty horrible situation to be in. My gf is also furious at him, for years of his bad decisions wrecking her family’s financial security. She wants him to change, for this to be a wake up call, but doesn’t have much faith that will happen. I expressed that she should let him know how much this has worried and hurt her, but not now. The thing is, her father is also incredibly stressed right now. So when is a good time for the two of them to have that conversation, I really don’t know.

I really don’t know how to comfort and be there for my gf, either. Since I know so little about her parents’ situation. I also don’t know how much I should be involved … I want to talk to him, and impress upon him how scared and stressed this has made his daughter, but not really sure if that’s my place …

tl;dr my gf’s father owes money to shady people, I don’t know what I can do to make the situation better.

7 comments

  2. >Apparently he has someone he can get the $500,000 from to pay these guys off

    I would be incredibly skeptical about where someone who has just had to declare bankruptcy is going to be able to borrow that much money from. Loan sharks? More dodgy people?

    This all sounds as shady as heck. Your girlfriend and her mum would probably be better off talking to a lawyer, as would her old man, but I think the chances of him actually being honest about things are slim to none. Bottom line is that dad’s already in danger if he borrowed that 500k from someone else who isn’t taking no for an answer.

  4. Her father made a risk that was not properly calculated and has dragged his entire family down with him to a pretty dark and dangerous place. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that guy when the shit hits the fan, honestly. When he gets $500k to pay off the dirty money guys…how is he gonna pay back these new people? It’ll literally just be a different guy breaking his kneecaps in 6 months. He is manipulative and massively fucked up his life and is showing signs that he will continue to fuck up the lives of the people around him. Who the hell takes $5000 from their daughter? Grab your gf and her mom and get as far away from that guy as possible before things get even more bleak tbh. Mom needs a lawyer and the two of them need to go no contact. How much longer until he’s back in their savings accounts asking for new investments? Sure he’s a fun guy, but he’s a user.

    He made his bed, but you guys don’t have to sleep in it. Good luck.

  5. The first thing that your GF should do, IMO, is move out. At 29, she really does not need to be in that house and it’s clearly a toxic situation right now. She is getting pulled into her parent’s drama to an unhealthy degree. She needs a level of separation.

    Before I say this next part – I just want to underline that this situation is clearly 100% her Dad’s fault and he was 100% wrong.

    That said – I think her mom might be playing the victim a little bit here? Where I live, you cannot legally mortgage your primary residence without your spouse’s consent. Like… there is a form for her to sign. So, unless he forged her signature (which I guess is possible but then divorce is the obvious choice) – she at least knew that the house was mortgaged. And what about their retirement savings? She didn’t see that money go missing? Businesses go under. This happens. She should have known and been aware of this risk. Also – how did she think he was purchasing a million dollar + business with no funds?! Like… the father is 100% at fault here – but it also doesn’t sound like the mom is owning up to what she knew at the time and the inherent risks. Planning for the possibility of a business going under should always have been part of the equation. It happens – even when someone is very experienced.

    I think her mom is pulling on her heart strings a little here and pulling her daughter to “her side”.

    Your GF needs to separate herself from all this a bit. As cold as it sounds, these are not her problems (other than the $5,000) – but as long as she is in the house, they are going to drag her into it and make it her problem.

    No, I don’t think you should confront the Dad. Not your place.

    To me, the most supportive thing you can do for your GF is to help her get space from the situation.

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