I hope this as an acceptable sub to post this to… so, while the majority of what’s going on is in this title, I feel the need to elaborate more on this. My parents are divorced and live very far from each other, like hundreds of miles apart. I practically cut off my entire dad’s side of the family because even ignoring the idea of me being trans they’re extremely manipulative and toxic. As a result, my mom and siblings are pretty much all I have left in terms of, well, family right now. I don’t want to cut these people off, but they know I’m trans and my mom has either shut down me being a girl or just pushed the thought of it under the rug. like, she hasn’t kicked me out but I’ve clearly disappointed her with this and she only views me as her son.
I live in a college dorm rn and frankly I’m beyond burnt out. I know I need a break and while I don’t wanna quit school for good I desperately need a break from it all for the sake of my own mental health and sanity. (I can’t bring myself to do any assignment and I dropped almost all of my classes this semester to save my already suffering gpa) that being said my mom is clearly against this idea and is trying to get me to do anything to, like, detransition or go to college or just anything like that and honestly with the things she has said about kicking me out if my GPA isn’t high enough, straight up denying my identity and trying to like, maintain as much control over me as possible (including with a car I got as a “gift” with a (non-legally binding) “contract” which is practically gaslighting/blackmail/emotional abuse in written form as I’ve been told) I don’t feel safe coming back home.
I really don’t know how to sum up my relationship with my family easily here but if you need any more information id be happy to give more, whether it be in the comments or in DMs.
anyway, my girlfriend and I are currently long distance and we admittedly havent really been together for very long (only about a month but we’ve known each other longer than this) but her family offered to let me stay with them over the summer which really caught me by surprise. in an ideal world I’d love to follow through with this, and I know this wouldn’t be by any means like, paradise, but I’ve met people like her parents and they’re really sweet and we get along super well and I just… I don’t know.
I fear that I’m like, “tunnel-visioning” here or that an option like this is too good to be true. I’m just scared for my living situation as I really don’t feel safe in my current circumstances but I also don’t know if living with my girlfriend (who I haven’t told my family about as I feel doing so would just cause more trouble, but everyone else who I’m close with I have told about her) is too… “drastic” of a move. I talked with my therapist and genuinely I don’t know if my relationship with my family can improve reasonably without professional help such as in a family therapy setting and I kind of feel like I need a break from it all. I’m just so scared about making the wrong decision here and while I think I know what I want here, I just could use outsiders’ opinions on the matter.
I also apologize if this came out messy. I’m running on very little sleep right now but this has been on my mind since the the idea of me living with my girlfriends family was brought up. I’m just scared, I feel like I don’t have a whole lot of life experience to know whether I’m shooting myself in the foot here especially given I’m, well, 18, and I don’t know what to do. anything is greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: I’m a trans girl who is nervous to head back home to her family, given an unsupportive environment. my girlfriend and I haven’t dated for long but her family has offered to let me live with them for the summer and I just don’t know if this is a situation where id be shooting myself in the foot.
6 comments
Do you have any other options like friends you could stay with?
Alternatively, do you feel like you could just ignore (or grey rock) your mother if you stayed with her?
>I fear that I’m like, “tunnel-visioning” here or that an option like this is too good to be true.
But what other options do you have? If staying with your girlfriend *does* go south, then cross that bridge if and when you come to it. If there are no other choices other than this one or the default option of returning to your family, wouldn’t you rather put that off for as long as possible? Nobody here can say with any certainty what might or might not happen with your girlfriend’s folks. But if the offer is genuine, it’s surely a better deal than going back to your own family.
Do you have a place to store your property safely?
You need a place to store your self.
Could you do a zoom call with her and her folks about the offer, to thank them and to discuss your concerns?
If you do not feel it is wise to go to them, for your own reasons, have you considered traveling, visiting a few people for a week or two at a time?
Her parents may have a ton of space, or just a ton of love and compassion.
All my best. I hope you find a comfortable solution.
Maybe word it to your mom as a little vacation that you’ve been offered? Your friend/girlfriend, whatever you want to say, offered for you to stay at their place, psych it up about how you need a break and it will help your mental health and your GPA and go. If you hate it there you can always go back to your mom. Your mental health is important and being with controlling family, in any case, is stressful. Hopefully your mom would understand. You could even lie more and say that there is a part-time job or something lined up to you (can always look into that once you move) so it’s like you’re doing something serious ya know?
If you’re feeling burnt out and stressed at school- moving back in with your unsupportive mother will be just as stressful and aweful to deal with. Stay the summer with your gf and get a part time job if you can.
I remembered a small detail.
Colleges and universities have an emergency housing plan for people in dangerous family circumstances.
They also usually have mental health and academic support systems, usually available through the counseling office, sometimes through your department.
I do hope you find solid supports quickly.