Like I will say, “do you want to hang out”
And what I am really saying is, “do you want to spend quality time with me so I can make you feel special and you can make me feel special and loved”.
What my husband hears is, “do I want to work and use up my energy on something that has no monetary worth, when I am already the one making the money and letting you spend whatever you want…isn’t that enough for you? Why do you need me to do more stuff for you? Just leave me alone”
So his reply to hang out is always, “no, I just want to sleep”.
I am totally being ignored, and not seen. He totally gets seen because I am always planning date nights to his favorite restaurants, asking what he wants to do or eat for dinner and so on. He just is there, and is the most boring person I have ever met. I don’t connect with him at all. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I wish I was with someone else.
He makes me feel like the answer to anything is no.
But I have to say yes to everything or he will be mad.
I hate this kind of treatment so much. We started marriage counseling 2 weeks ago, and are trying to see the counseling once every 2 weeks.
I feel like I am the chaser and he takes credit for everything, and always acts like the annoyed one.
I hate being the only one who is making an effort in this marriage. If I stop making an effort, we would never eat together, spend time together or talk together and he would be happy. Because he acts so annoyed with my existence. Like wow, I am so not appreciated or acknowledged by him. I am so sick of this life. I am supposed to treat him well but he is supposed to treat me like I shouldn’t even exist. 😔
4 comments
It sounds like he works and you don’t? Does he like his job?
I’m just wondering if maybe he resents having the pressure of being the sole breadwinner because he dislikes his job and feels trapped by that responsibility. So in turn, he is miserable and resents you.
I could be off base, but if not it could be something worth working on in your counseling sessions.
From my own experience as a wife,we have to be very specific on what we want or need as I also noticed that with my husband. Most of the time he doesn’t know how to read between the lines so I’d always ended up being upset and resentful. I’ve learnt that whenever I want something, I have to be really specific on him otherwise he wouldn’t understand what I was trying to convey. Since then we are always on the same page. Communication is definitely a substantial tool in marriage.
Has he always been like this even before you were married?
I would recommend you looking into the Love Languages. It sounds like yours obviously is quality time and his definitely is not. Based on what you’re describing perhaps his love language is acts of service.
When two people have different love languages, there can be a huge disconnect. This definitely seems to be happening with the two of you. When this happens each person must learn how to “speak” and understand the others love language so that each person feels adequately loved, valued, and validated.
There’s a lot more to this but if any of this resonates at all I would definitely look into the Love Languages.