Basically had that conversation with a friend of mine. Personally, if someone I date told me about sexual relations outside relationships (FWBs, hookups…), it would be a negative aspect for me at first. At the end it all boils down to similar definitions of sexual intimacy. Sex outside relationships sounds rather unattractive to me, and of course I never had hookups/fwbs…
After that conversation with a friend, and his reaction, I’m not sure if that’s an unreasonable thing?
35 comments
i don’t think so
Not at all unreasonable. We all date based on preference, that’s yours. Also it’s easy to say up front what your preferences are so people can deselect themselves
You can have whatever boundaries you want, but it will extremely limit your dating pool in this day and age.
If that’s how you see it, that’s how you see it. It’s fine. But also how are you going to get this information? Are you interviewing them? It just seems a bit odd. Also, keep in mind, that some people will have figured out that they only like sex in relationships by hooking up, etc a couple times, and then realizing they didn’t like that. They may have the exact same view of sex as you do now, they just learned it through experience.
Fairly uncommon in todays day and age. I think a good amount of people think “what/who someone slept with before me isn’t my business”. I know many people that have slept around and then became wonderful loyal partners to their significant other. However of course you can make any rules you’d like for yourself!
You do you – if its a deal breaker better be up front fairly quickly as this is fairly common.
It would be unreasonable to expect an easy time finding and matching with compatible people. It is not unreasonable to have preferences.
I’m not sure if “unreasonable” is the right word. It might be reasonable, but it might also be unlikely/uncommon to find someone who both fulfills the requirement and *also* wants to date you.
You are free to have whatever boundaries/requirements/expectations that you want. However, the more things (or more difficult to find things) that you have on the list, the harder it’s going to be for you to find someone who you want to build a relationship with. As long as you are ok with being single (potentially forever) while trying to find your needle in a haystack, without it causing you to slut shame or otherwise resent people who don’t fit your criteria, then feel free to have any requirements you deem important.
It isn’t unreasonable.
You can want what you want, but your dating pool might be a tad shallow
It isn’t unreasonable because everyone is entitled to their opinions. I personally find these viewpoints outdated and far too narrow. As someone else said, people may only realise they don’t like casual sex once they have tried it
theres people who get into “committed” relationships just for sex or some other superficial reason and imo those people are the ones that make me more uncomfortable. to each their own at the end of the day, but sex shouldnt be some privilege only allocated to people in relationships.
If you would prefer to only date, people who have had sex, while inside of a relationship, that’s fine. Just make that known upfront.
Not it’s not unreasonable!
Your criteria for selecting or excluding potential partners is entirely up to you. It is your prerogative to select based on similar idea of sexual intimacy.
There are so many walks of life on this sub aren’t there? OP may be a little weird to us in this day and age, but people can have such different values. As long as they’re doing good things and not shitty to people, they’re all good in my book
IMO, it’s perfectly acceptable to only want to date people who have the same views as you do in regards to sex. If you view it as something very serious and want your partner to be the same, that’s perfectly okay!
I will, however, point out two things.
1. Your preferences in who you date are valid, but you cannot treat people as lesser than if they don’t meet these preferences. If you find out a potential partner views sex as a more casual thing and has regularly had FWB, you don’t have to date them! But you _cannot_ start disrespecting them or treating them any differently than anyone else just because they have different views than you.
2. I would highly recommend being a little open minded. You should definitely try to only date people who you are compatible with, but don’t let past experiences get in the way. For example, if a potential partner used to have FWB or casual sex, but has since realized that sex is a bigger deal and has only had sex in serious relationships for a while now, don’t rule them out. It only matters if you’re compatible with them _now_, not that they’ve _always_ had the same views as you.
You go for what YOU want. If abstinence outside of relationships is important to you you’re welcome to set that standard. That isn’t unreasonable but it is going to limit you (down to the person you want maybe but still)
It is a pretty good rule of thumb. There are extenuating circumstances that might lead to wiggle room, but that is why we listen and understand. Still, it is a good standard.
No that’s entirely your decision to make. If it’s a deal breaker for you that’s your choice. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Your boundaries could be whatever you want but I have no idea how you would go about bringing this up. You would probably only get this information once you’re really trusted by that person, so I’m not sure how you would know prior.
I would be rather you be honest with yourself about your preferences than secretly judge/resent a girl while you date her. You’ll find a girl who aligns with your values.
Nah, this seems fair as long as it is **rules for thee is rules for me.**
You could always askafter a date or two, but be prepared for standoffish attitude or an immediate end to a date.
You’re allowed to have whatever boundaries you want and also be aware that this will shrink your dating/marriage pool *considerably*.
Its unreasonable to expect others to agree but its perfectly reasonable for you to have your own preferences.
It’s stupid and judgmental but you do you
It will limit your dating pool, but depending on age and culture, not uncommon is most of the world.
i think it’s unreasonable, someone’s sexual past doesn’t reallly have anything to do with u
While I think you should also figure out why someone’s sexual history is more important than their sexual present, it’s also not a topic you can really approach immediately.
People have non-relationship sex for a variety of valid reasons. Some just want sex, and that can be as safe as those in relationships, just like some relationship sex can be riskier than casual. Some people have it thinking they are going to be in a relationship just to be ghosted immediately after. Some do the ghosting.
It’s all very iffy, but I’ve always considered the healthiest way to approach the subject is with an open mind. I was with a girl who had over 120 partners, and while that number is high, imo, it’s also not a judge of how they were in the time we spent time together. People grow and change, and for this individual in particular, it was a reaction that she believed stemmed from sexual abuse in her childhood. By having sex with so many people, she felt she was “regaining control” of her sexuality after being drugged at a party and forced to do it.
It didn’t make her a cheater, it didn’t make her STD ridden. In fact, she was the most careful of any of my partners with testing, and was very open about who she was with and what she was doing, even when I didn’t pry.
If you give people freedom, they will often give you what you want. The tighter the cage, the more they will lash out. If you want to find a strong relationship, I wouldn’t worry too much about your preference, and I would focus on the person. Someone with a similar mindset as you towards sex will be huge, but I think if you find out why you feel the way you do about this, you’ll understand how it would translate into a relationship.
As an honest question, why do you feel strongly towards them never having non-relationship sex? Are you insecure about them possibly cheating? Are you worried about your own lack of experience (though # of partners isn’t a good measurement of how good or bad a partner is in the moment)? Or is there something else that bothers you?
You must be 15
You are allowed to disqualify anyone from a romantic relationship with you for ANY reason
I wouldn’t say unreasonable.
Good luck with it though. You’re gonna need it.
Nope. It’s your value system which places sex as precious rather than a casual commodity.
If you feel that this is a non negotiable I definitely would bring it up earlier on in the dating/getting to know each-other phase.
It’s perfectly fine for you to have those standards. But be prepared for some people to get super defensive and berate you if you openly state those standards especially here on Reddit. I’m not sure of your gender or sexual orientation (I would rather you not say for your own sake) but if you are a straight male this will definitely be the case. If you’re not my statement still applies. At the end of the day you’re dating the person not anybody else so the only opinions and standards that matter are yours and the people you’re dealing with.