My ex was my friend for months before we got together and went back to that dynamic after we broke up, and although things ended amicably and were initiated by her, she also confessed having feelings for me still as recent as a few months ago.
My girlfriend interacted with my ex a few times while we were also developing our own friendship. Once we got together my girlfriend stated how there were one or two occasions where she was overthought about my ex, how she thought I still had feelings for my ex, and how she overthought a lot about when my ex made an unfair comment once and said me and my girlfriend would get bored of each other.
My ex did this type of thing once or twice while me and my girlfriend were not official but getting closer and even confessed her feelings for me when it was looking obvious that me and my girlfriend would be official soon.
Since we’ve been together, my ex has respectably kept her distance, hasn’t made any dumb comments and hasn’t tried to disrupt our relationship. However, on one or two occasions where I’ve told my girlfriend I’d be spending time around my ex she understandbly felt uncomfortable but also said she trusts me fully.
I have no feelings whatsoever for my ex and we’re better as friends, but I’d also not want to make my girlfriend unnecessarily uncomfortable any more. Is this something I should make a decision on myself and distance myself for good, or should I see how my girlfriend feels first?
**TL;DR: girlfriend trusts me but has felt uncomfortable around my friend who happens to be my ex. Should I open up the possibility of not talking to her anymore?**
3 comments
Don’t make your gf make this decision for you? Your ex has been wobbly, unkind and also (most likely) still has feelings for you. Make the honorable decision for yourself, stand on your own two feet, and distance yourself from this problematic ex. (I am fully pro-ex friendships, But these are not the circumstances.) You may not have feelings for her, but you’ll put unecessary stress on your relationshp by communicating with an ex who has made clear, by quite recent actions, that she has motives that don’t suit your relationship. Your gf has been a champ here. Honor that.
It would be nice as a display of loyalty to your current partner to distance yourself from someone who was critical of your new relationship and also was trying to get between you. But if you have no feelings for your ex and your current partner is OK, this isn’t necessary.
I would be mindful of optics though, like you know for a fact you have no feels, your current partner is just trusting that, so don’t be like hanging around with your ex at her house when there’s no one else there or going out for lots of drinks with just ex (group outings are fine), repay your partner’s trust and mature approach by not going out of your way to spend time with ex. Ideally only invite her to something partner also attends so she can see there’s nothing there for you.
You can make your own choices about whether or not the friendship with your ex is appropriate, or one you want to preserve.
If you feel uncomfortable or not valuing the friendship as you once did, then end it.
Don’t put this on your GF. You are a competent adult capable of selecting your own friends and your GF has already shown you that she is capable of respecting that.