I (35F) have been using a dating app for a while now. I usually have the same pattern happen – I’ll match with someone I see potential in; we’ll start talking, the conversation will be good for a week or so, and then it will fizzle out. About two weeks ago, I started talking to a guy (27M) that I began to really like. We had excellent conversations; he usually responded pretty quickly unless he was at work, would send me “good morning” and “good night” texts, we would text throughout the day, and in a few particular messages, made his intentions very clear “I want to make my intentions clear – I really like you and am attracted to you, and I am looking for something serious.” During the past few days, however, his messages became less and less, and he basically stopped messaging me unless it was to respond to something specific I had asked him: “how is your Thanksgiving?” We had plans to get dinner last night, and he didn’t contact me at all day, so I texted him towards the evening and asked if we were still on for grabbing dinner. He replied pretty much right away in a string of messages saying how sorry he was, that he was working Black Friday (he works in retail), how busy he is, and that he forgot we had plans. He apologized multiple times. I basically told him it wasn’t a big deal, and then he never replied. Is it safe to assume he’s just no longer interested? Is there something I should have said or done differently?
13 comments
Sorry, it sounds like he lost interest. Otherwise I think he would have suggested an alternative date rather than just apologizing for forgetting this one.
I don’t see anything you did wrong here. When he made his intentions clear, did you respond positively and indicate the same?
Unfortunately things can fizzle out after a week or more of chatting if you’re not able to meet up or at least have a phone call.
Sounds like he’s simply not interested enough. It’s hard to know if there’s something you could’ve done different without knowing context, but really, with the right person, it will be impossible to say or do the wrong thing.
I do think he has lost interest or have found someone new. I get the busy with work part. But you can’t forget a date with someone you like and have intention to pursue a serious relationship.
It’s not your fault. It’s just… dating life, I guess. I’m struggling with it myself so I do not have any better advice for you.
I myself find texting too much really leads to “texting fatigue”. Eventually all the good morning and good night seem cliche and meaningless. Should meet more regularly to have new fuel/ materials for the texting convos later on.
if u guys are not in a relationship or haven’t decided to be exclusive leave room for him to figure it out . Don’t rush and end a good thing with somebody who has potential . Let him figure it out .
“Safe to assume”
Remove the word assume from your vocabulary and just ask. One of the best things ive ever done is just asking the person what’s going on. Tell them what you’re seeing, how it makes you feel, and if they’re still interested
Assuming gets you absolutely nowhere. Asking allows you to know and move on either with or without them.
And if you think it comes off as “needy”, it isnt. Wanting to know where you stand with someone isnt needy. You’re a human being with your own life to live, you have every right to know where you stand with someone that you’re investing time, energy, and feelings into, especially if they voiced the same to you.
Edit: I recently had a relationship similar to yours end. At first a ton of communication, both said we wanted to pursue it. Lots of time and emotional investment. Then they disappeared almost overnight. There’s NOTHING you can do different other than just being you. You cant control them. You cant control how they act. All you can do is your best and the other person will do to be whatever it is that they do or are. Just be open and direct with your communication, be your best self. It ls been so damn hard for me to accept this and I still struggle with it, but its literally all you can do.
Phew. I’m in the same situation girl, I feel you. Something about these 27 year olds, smh.
> He replied pretty much right away in a string of messages saying how sorry he was, that he was working Black Friday (he works in retail), how busy he is, and that he forgot we had plans
Black Friday is literally the busiest day of the year for retail. If he was called in, it is not unexpected that he would be too busy to text and too tired afterward to respond. If this was an honest mistake, I would give him a couple days to get back to you
Why didn’t y’all meet sooner? If you start feeling like a pen pal, he may have figured that you weren’t really interested and decided to pump the brakes.
Have you tried reaching out again, or should he be doing that?
After two weeks I’m not going to lie I would have completely lost interest from just texting too. It was incredibly shitty of him to leave you hanging when you had plans and not even acknowledging them, and you deserve better than that. What took so long to meet up out of curiosity? Work schedules and the holidays?
> Is it safe to assume he’s just no longer interested?
The only way to really know this is to ask him, but I wouldn’t suggest doing that with someone you’ve only known for a few weeks. One of two things are happening:
1. He is truly just busy, and perhaps he’s also bad at managing his time, and he really did forget about your plans. But assuming this is the case, would you want to date someone with those traits anyway?
2. He isn’t interested anymore. But how can anyone know this unless he outright says so? Give him another chance. If he “forgets” about your plans a second or third time, then move onto other dates.
> Is there something I should have said or done differently?
No. This is par for the course when it comes to online dating.
Everything you’ve described is something that I have experienced with dates from dating apps. You match, it goes well, you chat for several weeks, you meet up a few times, you’re feeling attracted to the person and you sense that they feel the same way, then all of a sudden the person drops communication altogether. I don’t want to ramble too much about it, but if this happens to you, the best you can do is give the person one or two more chances. If they continue forget about your plans then ultimately it’s best to just move on.
What kind of messages/questions have you been sending him? Is there any chance that from his perspective it might seem like you’re the one not interested in him?
Are you interested in someone who would forget about confirming plans with you?
Personally, I find lack of effort, lack of enthusiasm about me, lack of availability (whether it’s emotional or just not physically available) and lack of interest in me unnattractive. It doesn’t matter whether he’s interested in me or not.