My (F27) bf (M26) was walking around without a shirt last night and I noticed scratch marks on his back. I asked what they were and he had no idea. Now there were about 8 scratch marks on his middle back that looked like fingernail scratches. He brushed it off as kind of weird and moved on pretty quick while I got quiet after I asked him.

My mind immediately went to the worst possible case and I went outside to smoke. I was cheated on by my ex and had no idea while we were dating as I used to be extremely trusting in relationships. I found out after he broke up with me and I’ll admit it messed me up a little bit and I now have some trust issues.

I came back in and joined my bf in bed, we had been getting intimate right before I found the marks and now I was clearly a little stand offish. He asked if the scratches had actually upset me and I admitted they did. He then asked me if I actually thought he would do that and I also said yes, which was stupid because I don’t believe he would cheat on me but since I also didn’t know that my ex was I tend to think maybe anyone could cheat.

He got kinda quiet and I could tell I had upset him by thinking that. I felt extremely guilty for thinking that, still do actually, and immediately apologized and pretty much ended up crying on his chest while saying I was sorry. He said it was okay and comforted me, saying he loved me while rubbing my back, until we both fell asleep.

So I guess I’m asking how badly did I mess up? We’ve been together for five months and he pretty much lives at my place and has never given me a reason to think he’s cheating. He’s the first man I’ve actually been in love with and I don’t want my insecurities to ruin this.

tldr: Found scratch marks on my bf’s back and told him I believed he could cheat on me, even though he’s not. Have I ruined this?

EDIT: I don’t think he cheated!!! This post was about how I messed up by letting my insecurities from past relationships interfere with this situation.

41 comments

  4. You didn’t ruin anything. I think your intuition is telling you something, listen to it. What cause the marks on his back? Not saying he cheated, I’m just saying that you are valid for looking into this red flag. Also, I think a good answer to “do you think I would do this?” would be something more like, “the problem with cheaters is that you never think they are cheating when they are, I think those marks on your back look like nail marks, I need a good explanation, please?”

  5. Did he scratch his own back? Genuinely wondering because I do that subconsciously all the time

  7. You should tell him what you were going through. In the moment it would have gone something like:

    No, I don’t think you’re cheating or would. However, it’s hard for me because of my past. (Explain what happened here if he doesn’t already know) I feel insecure right now because I’m not sure if I can trust my own judgement of people. I just need to work on it. I’m sorry it’s affecting you too right now. Would you be willing to do x to make me feel better?

    Notice how it both explains how you feel and takes full responsibility for how you feel. You also want to acknowledge that you can see that it’s hurtful for him and your relationship and apologize for that. Asking to do something together for you to feel better can help both of you feel like you are doing something active to repair what is going on. It’s optional and can be whatever will make you feel more secure.

    Now I don’t think you ruined it because of what he did. Instead of pushing you away or walking away he held you and told you he loves you. He clearly wants to help but maybe he’s feeling kinda unable to do something about it . What I suggest you do now is say you want to talk to him about what happened. Let him know that you don’t really think he’s cheating and you want to explain what happened. If he wants to hear you out you say the same thing as written above. Try to find something he can do. Specially if you know he will want to help you figure it out.

    Good luck OP

  8. I scratch a lot in my sleep, and wake up with my scratches all over my body so I can only assume your boyfriend does the same if it is not the other way around

  9. How do you know he didn’t?

    I think you are within your rights to ask him to clarify so that you don’t leave a lingering doubt in your relationship that may develop into a huge trust issue.

  11. I was capable of scratching my back bloody after a mosquito bite on the shoulder blade, so it doesn’t need to be cheating. Maybe just dry skin or insect bite.

  12. >So I guess I’m asking how badly did I mess up?

    You didn’t. You voiced your insecurity in a healthy manner and remained calm. You werent accusatory towards him either. And even though he’s hurt by the fact you think anyone can cheat he decided to comfort you so I dont think you mess up at all OP.

    I suggest talking to him about where these insecurities are coming from and working out a plan to deal with them together. Good luck OP

  14. I ALWAYS have scratches on my back… I have no idea where they come from but pretty sure I unconsciously prevent them from healing by scratching at them while I am working. Does anyone know anyone that actually physically scratches their partners back during sex? I thought this was a romance novel thing. If someone did that to me in real life (let alone an AP) I’d ask them kindly to not do it plz.

  16. I don’t think you messed up. You were honest with him without attacking him and being accusatory. You do have trust issues and you need to work thru those. But in the past the person you trusted betrayed you and you didn’t expect that so it is easy to worry it can happen again.

  17. Man all of these comments are wild. So he cheated, had rough enough sex to end up with nail marks and then decided to walk around shirtless in front of the GF on whom he cheated, and after he knows she noticed he proceeds to again have sex with her so she can see the proof of cheating up close and personal??

    ​

    Maybe he just picked at a scab or itch on his back like anyone might?

  18. Depends on where the scratches were. What part of his back? The average person is not that flexible. And if he cheated, me a reader of this post, can only imagine where the scratches were. You know the ones you get from gripping in the missionary position.

  20. Jesus Christ all of these comments are so sabotaging. Do not just assume someone is cheating.

    Listen, I was cheated on earlier this year. My ex thought I was cheating so she decided she would cheat. She never once found any real evidence that I was cheating because I WAS NOT cheating. Her distrust in me destroyed our relationship

    If you think he’s cheating you need actual evidence. Actual solid evidence.

    All of these people are just planting seeds of destruction in a relationship but they could really be destroying something that was innocent and a relationship that is real.

    Be very careful to not project your bullshit baggage onto your partner because you clearly can take one thing and turn it into the worst case scenario. I’m not saying he isn’t cheating, I’m saying you don’t know shit until you have proof so assume the worst of the person you’re suppose to love because you WILL destroy the relationship doing so

    Quite frankly, if he’s not cheating, and I really don’t think there’s enough evidence to suggest he is, you’ve definitely done damage. Everyone on here saying you’re valid for doing this, you’re not. You’re not valid or justified for accusing someone of cheating on the basis of very weak evidence. You need test messages, used condom wrappers, someone else’s underwear/clothes, actually tangible evidence that could not be a credited to anything else. And you don’t have that.

    So, if he’s not cheating, you’ve made it loud and clear to your boyfriend that you don’t trust him at all and you think he’s a cheater. What healthy relationship comes from that dynamic? That’s toxic and it’s going to remain with him forever. Every time you say “I trust you” he’s going to think back to that time you said you don’t. It will make your words mean less. You need to go to therapy because this baggage truly will destroy your relationship and relationship after this one

  22. Don’t let him gaslight you.

    I had something similar happen with my husband a few years ago (we’re not together anymore) and I was 100% correct while he gaslit me about how he had “no idea” what the scratches were and where they came from.

    Trust your gut, and he’s full of shit.

  23. It’s a fair reaction tbh. I also have left scratches on myself cause I scratch in my sleep and my boyfriend questioned me and I was like ???? It sort of bothered me but I also understand that random scratches on your back can look sus. I’d explain it came from a place of insecurity and try to move passed it

  24. You didn’t mess up the relationship. It’s super weird to have those types of scratches on his back and not know how he got them. He’s gaslighting you by asking if you really think he would cheat. He knows your insecurities and is using them to try and guilt you.

  25. I think you were right to ask him about it, but probably not a good idea to say you think he could cheat on you. He wasn’t asking “is there a physical possibility”, he was asking “does my character show I would cheat”, so you saying yes makes it seem like you don’t trust him and think he would cheat.

    It’s the difference between would and could. Technically anyone could, but not everyone would.

  30. We all have scars on our psyches. They start out as cuts deep and bleeding. Your fear says more about you than him. It is understandable that you reacted out of fear, but you need to start consciously acknowledging when it is a fear and not something you actively think.

    Talk to your bf. “I’m sorry if I came off as accusing you last night. It isn’t that I believe that you would cheat, I just doubt my own ability to be able to see if someone I care about would cheat on me. I was wrong the last time when I thought he would never cheat on me. Now it feels like I’m trying to guess what the signs are and when I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, my fears got in the way. This is something I’m working on, it isn’t a reflection on you, but an indicator that I’m still really hurt by my last relationship and I’m still trying to heal and learn to trust myself again.”

  31. Ok it shouldn’t be too bad for him to handle something like this if he cares about you since he knows your history of being cheated on. Just have a talk about if you havent yet and make sure you live in the moment-with him- and not in the past (I’ve been cheated on aswell and getting over that trust issue happens overtime if you find someone you can actually trust) and make sure you see that you are dating 2 different people at times when you might get sus about something 🙂

    But I am curious tho… how do you think the scratches got there?

  32. He cheated. I love how she goes and blames herself for this smh. The cognitive dissonance is intense here.

  36. You fell for the trap because you again are too trusting. Start monitoring him for suspicious behavior.

  37. Sooooooo the question of the scratch marks was never answered?? He made you cry for asking a legitimate question, danced around answering said question and never answered you and you’re wondering if you messed up??? He did. Make him tell where they came from

  38. I hate to even say this… but as somebody who left scratch marks like that on my husband’s back I don’t see where you get 4 scratch marks on either side of his back if they’re not from someone’s fingernails. Seems awfully convenient that he doesn’t have any clue where they came from. If I were you I’d do a little more investigating before making up my mind things were my fault for feeling like he cheated.

  39. I remember when my sisters ex husband found scratch marks down her back. She asked him to help unhook a bra. They were from the night before when she cheated on her husband with the dude she left him for 🤷‍♀️

  40. And somehow you managed to feel like the baddie while he never explained where the marks came from…….. He’s playing you.

  41. Babes it sounds like he’s emotionally manipulating you to turn himself into the victim so you drop the subject and he gets away with it. Get out while it’s still early. Kick his ass to the curb, I say.

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