I’m not sure the right sub for this. But basically, I only get attention from men when i’m fully dolled up / wearing makeup. I don’t feel good in those clothes but im ONLY approached when I spend hours on my appearance. I am frustrated by this because it makes me think these guys are shallow. But im never approached when I don’t put in that “effort” I suppose. My ex wanted me to shave and I was frustrated at someone wanting me to change my body for them.
I guess im cynical but I don’t want to change who I am for someone’s approval? But dying alone would suck too??
Maybe im being dramatic but it’s been like 2 years..
I try to make the first move and get shot down. But it’s like, if we date then THIS is what you’re gonna get so why lie?
19 comments
Age? Gender?
I just want a girl that will chill on a lazy Sunday in our hoodies and sweatpants together. A dude can dream tho.
Not only does getting dolled up look nice, but it’s more likely to indicate that you’re looking for someone. People usually aren’t putting themselves out there when they’re in sweatpants and a hoodie.
Are we talking like all-out effort vs. no effort? I would think a large majority of people, regardless of gender, would want to be with someone who puts in “some” amount of effort into their appearance.
But if you’re talking like normal looks when out or on the job, then it may be your outward confidence and body language.
You can have the aesthetic you want to have. But it will limit your dating pool. It is what it is. So you have to decide what is more important to you. Also. Are you approaching slovenly men? Who don’t shave or have a good haircut or nice well fitted clothes? Or are you approaching men who put a lot of time and effort into their own appearance? Likely those men will want someone who does the same.
I have a strong preference for less makeup. I prefer it to be very subtle if at all. I can’t stand the dolled up look. One thing though, perhaps it isn’t so much about guys being interested only when you wear heavy makeup, but more so that you are sending signals that you are welcoming advances. Perhaps if you when far more subtle makeupwise but approached men and said Hi. Am just saying the dolled up look can be interpreted as easy as well, and that might not be what you are looking for.
Lastly, I think shaved legs are irresistible, but I don’t require it 24/7. Guys often realize it is a lot of work. I like it going on a date night or just as a sign that you would like to please me. I do my own grooming and hair removal as well and try to maintain that for her enjoyment. The thing about it is that skin on skin contact with legs is amazing. Like, legs are beautiful and tactically very nice to massage and enjoy skin to skin. It isn’t a problem when there is hair but it just adds a bit of courseness. So I guess am saying, it isn’t so much about “changing you” (although yes it is happening) it is more so about being able to focus on you even better.
I wish more women would go your route more and ditch the whole I need makeup in order to feel better about myself routine all together”. I don’t see the point for it. It’s just false advertisement.
A lot of men like minimal to no make up on women and would prefer women to stop taking pictures with filters. The not shaving is more likely to turn them off but there is a sizeable amount of guys out there that could care less about you shaving. In this modem world men have stopped approaching… i was listening to a podcast that claimed multiple studies suggest 70 to 90% of men will no longer approach women without clear indicators to do so. Being fully dolled up at the club being an indicator. A dating app profile being an indicator.
Approaching or making the first move in person takes a lot of guts and rejection to get results. I once heard that a cold approach for an average looking guy had less than a 5% chance of yielding actual contact information. I imagine it would be similar for women trying. There is a reason pickup artist stuff has been so prevalent in male culture.
If you are at the gym a lot consider picking up guys there. You should keep to the same rules suggested to men when approaching in the gym.
Never stare
Don’t compliment their body but do pay them a compliment
Do not approach in the middle of an exercise
Keep the interaction minimal, to the point, and acknowledge/apologize for approaching when you know they are busy and there for a purpose
No means no move on
Finally don’t feel alone in your frustration by all the bull crap. The number 1 dating advice given to men is to be yourself but different and better. Most men are told to groom, dress up, moisturize, etc now a days. Men’s makeup lines are also growing quickly. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself but the expectation is to change yourself for some else’s approval.
Don’t even recall my personality test results, just a novelty. My experience? People meet you where you are. If your experience is that you have made multiple moves at different potentials and been shot down, consider if they are of a certain type only that get your motor running. If that type wants dolled up, then, you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Assume that if you arrive at a certain level of looks and wealth, most will expect the dolling up, at a minimum. If that is not the case, honestly, you want a mate with hygiene and shared values and some level of grace. Intelligence is, well, for me way up there in valued attributes for the opposite sex!
I’m one of those guys who don’t really like the whole dolled up look. Few manage to seem comfortable like that and that uncomfortablenes is often umattracitve to me. Jeans and a hoodie are much better in my opinion or other more cassual clothes. Only had one gf but she was the prettiest early in the morning, recently awoken in her pyjamas. Hope you find a guy for you!
Well, think of it like a job interview. Dating is like sales. You have to sell yourself… especially early on. You wouldn’t show up to a job interview in PJs, right? Would you be okay with a guy showing up like he just rolled out of bed? Probably not. Some effort has to be put in.
OP, I think it’s really cool you want to be yourself. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should look, and I would dump the first person telling me that.
BUT… you apparently cannot expect men to approach you if you don’t put in efforts. A lot of men feel the same way about being rejected without doing the effort. People – both men and women – do just like to date “attractive” people and there are enough people on both sides investing in making themselves attractive. Of course this is subjective, but enough people share the same image like a “healthy person that shows effort into maintaining their physical appearance that has confidence”.
OP, I get that it’s frustrating, but people are just drawn to appearances. It doesn’t mean they are shallow, because most people will then also heavily invest to get to know the other person. It is not only about sex – it is also about falling in love and having a reliable partner. It’s not how we would want dating to be, but it is the way that it is. If I were you, I would limit the frequency with which you “doll up” to the amount of times you’re going out to find a date.
Wish you the best, hope it helps, wish I found out myself years earlier.
If you do doll up you are going to attract guys that like girls dolled up. So dont do that if you want a guy that doesnt like that.
I am like you. I guess I am lucky to find a guy that likes me most in my pyamas.
I will say it again, no makeup > makeup
Be yourself!!!
This may sounds cruel but maybe you are simply not that attractive? If you need to go through hours of make-up and expensive outfits to attract men, you may have average looks.
As a man, I feel somewhat qualified to speak on this since we do not have the luxury of make-up if we are not attractive. We have to work on creating charisma, a sense of humor or becoming charming. Perhaps you could do the same.
Or perhaps this is more about doing basic upkeep on your appearance that you don’t wish to do. Sure, you don’t have to shave your legs or armpits, you don’t have to comb your hair or apply even the smallest hint of make-up. But, most men prefer a woman who puts in effort.
The same applies to men. If I am not attractive, I can still put in effort to make myself as attractive as possible: trimming any facial hair, getting a nice haircut, showering regularly and using cologne, taking care of my skin and wearing flattering clothing styles.
Remember, no one is obligated to like you or be attracted to you. But if you want to catch someone’s attention, you need to put in effort. Don’t let laziness condemn you to a life of loneliness.
If men only approach you when you’re dolled up, why don’t you just approach people instead?
Don’t expect a guy to get dolled up for u then
I have good fucking hygiene and know damn well I am attractive lol I’m not gonna sit here and defend every visible detail.