I worry I’ve got into a slightly dark pattern with my boyfriend. I should trust him on the face of things, he’s never done anything to break my trust but there are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head.
I’m in a stressful legal job and the past several months have had me work with different partners leaving me gasping for air at work. My bf and I had just started having some fun with BDSM and the two got intertwined.
For several weeks now, I spend all Friday looking forward to the weekend where our BDSM exploration gets more and more intense as I try to do more and more to relieve stress from the work day.
I spent a large part of the weekends tied, teased, following his orders mindlessly and it’s just incredible. But as the weekend ends, and I stare at my work laptop planning for the week ahead, I get a serious wash of guilt over me. That I’ve spent most weekend sexually and not really spent time outdoors, or connecting with my friends. I’ve even caught myself telling my bf not to stimulate me during the week, so that there’s more sexual tension to relieve during the weekend. I end up in an incredibly submissive place and while I enjoy it during the heat of the moment, I feel strangely guilty afterwards.
It doesn’t help that I was raised by incredibly prudish immigrants to the US so I can’t say I have the healthiest relationship with sex.
How do I get over this guilty wash every weekend?
15 comments
I mean if you exclude all other activities over a long period of time, lose social ties, drop important hobbies, etc., then maybe I’d be concerned. But so far it sounds like you’re trying / learning something new with your partner, that you look forward to and which you seem to be getting a lot out of. Doesn’t seem like a problem.
I created this account to give you some advice. I was exactly you about five years back. High stress job, crazy Indian mom who warped my views of my body, sex, and everything else basically, and yeah, a rather intense kinky relationship that got me messed up in my head.
First bit of advice – breathe! If your health is good, your partner is safe, you’re doing amazing. You’re having fun! It’s natural to feel highs and lows when it comes to sexual exploration.
Second – trust your instincts and yourself. You feel guilty because you know deep down you’re doing the right things catering to yourself but your dad or mom’s voice is loud in your head.
Third – if you want to take a break and catch up with friends, you should do that. It’s important not to make anything 100% of your life or weekends.
You got it! Life can be stressful and we gotta look out for #1.
Isn’t the guilt wave from things outside your boyfriend and what you do between you two? Or is what you’re feeling guilty about outside bleeding from your bedroom activities? I’m just a bit confused (and this is almost certainly my fault) about how sex is contributing to your guilt. Like is going to stop having this type of sex with your guy going to fix what you might be subconsciously guilty about or just leave you still feeling guilty without a coping mechanism? Is this the root cause or are you conflating your escape with a root cause?
What is, you’re going out and you’re enjoying yourself with your boyfriend?? How very dare you! /s
As someone who also enjoys submissive sex & kink on a regular basis and as a catharsis, I am not of the mind that you’re doing anything wrong. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself, and this doesn’t necessarily strike me as “dark”. Being kinky is a thing, and it’s fun!
If anything in your life is causing you immense guilt and anxiety, it is worth pausing and exploring in therapy. I feel like all of the other comments here are ignoring that YOU feel badly in retrospect, regardless of how you feel in the moment. Another (albeit unrelated) example might be stealing— one may get a rush of excitement from stealing, but feel guilty and horrible afterward. This might mean that it isn’t for them after all, and there’s no need to proceed with it because it has become a method to of self harm.
Congratulations! You and your partner have found a shared activity that makes you feel so good that it gets you through the week! It’s normal to feel some shame about what you’re doing, and sometimes that can make it part of the fun! It sounds like you’re doing nothing wrong, but if you’re worried about missing out on other things to do on the weekend, why not try to do both? Dedicate Friday night for your first session, then enjoy some time outside with your friends in the daylight on Saturday. Then you have all night on Saturday, and you can repeat again on Sunday. Let the satisfaction of your shared play give you a glow and energy, not just to see you through the week, but to make everything else on the weekend even more fun! Good luck, have fun!
Its your stress reliever, you are liking it as much as i can tell. Dont feel guilty about it. Fully understand that all the workstress bottles up and with being submissive during sexy sessions you let go of every control and are just led. Its an amazing feeling.
Never feel guilty about your fetishes, enjoy. As long as everything is voluntary between everyone go for it.
As for not spending time with anything else like friends or just go out i see your thoughtprocess. Thing is you really enjoy your weekends because they give you something you havent found elsewhere with that huge affect yet. The stressrelief. So if that concerns you you can also try new things or a sport, new hobby.
It might be above reddit pay grade, if you feel that your significant other is doing their best to meet your needs, you may need to take time to see a sexual therapist of some sort especially if these are new back-and-forth emotions.
Your job sounds important, and highly stimulating so it might be a situation where your job simply has you finding outlets to let the stress out, but it simply might be a situation where you feel guilty for relieving the tension. Usually that’s associated with putting emphasis on doing things correctly, and you have nobody to tell you what’s right/wrong when it comes to sex.
Since this is the case, I personally recommend talking to a professional so that they can go over what they think using their expertise, and it will leave you with at least a little bit more information so that your future decisions aren’t just random bouts of following your sexual instincts that you may not be prepared to follow on your own.
You’re like a chef that doesn’t want to cook at home. Your job is to be in control and to i guess make lots of decision. When you’re home you want none of that and BDSM strips you of control in a way.
Infatuation and discovery are not the same as addiction. The newness and excitement of what you are experiencing will drop off with time. Like others have said, if you find yourself skipping meals, slipping on hygiene, ignoring friends and family…that’s indicative of a problem. However getting caught up in a new hobby is totally normal.
Your life is stressful and you have the ability to find relief. Don’t harsh yourself to much just for doing something that feels good! Sound like you are guilt tripping yourself for not being miserable constantly.
Sound more like subdrop than guilt.
Everyone has their unique way of relaxing … It’s only an issue if you start to push away family and friends and avoiding work.
I don’t really see an issue however if you want more in the bdsm world then I would look into FetLife.
Also I would make a set of rules and so like every other week you have to do this then play time after.
If you don’t follow those rules then you receive a punishment.
I see nothing wrong with this at all, at least at this point in time.
You have a stressful job that is very demanding and takes a lot, if not most of, your attention and energy during the week.
Instead of half-assing sexual encounters and being half-engaged because you’re still trying to decompress from work and thinking about having to start back up again and maintain focus and commitment the very next day, you’re saving those encounters for the weekend when you can truly dive “all in” – and this is giving you something to look forward to, as a reward for getting through the hard parts of the week.
This is absolutely no different than when a couple, who both work demanding jobs and are too busy during the week to really connect and have date nights, set the weekend aside for a nice dinner, a movie, etc.
Just because it’s sex/sex related doesn’t mean it isn’t a “date night” or an opportunity for the two of you to connect, connect emotionally, and be intimate. A healthy, fulfilling sex life is pretty crucial to a healthy, happy relationship that lasts – and it sounds like you have that.
Exploring your sexuality/exploring sexually, and exploring sexually with your partner are also incredibly healthy, important things. It can teach you a lot about yourself, your partner, your relationship, the two of you together, etc.
Things like BDSM require an intense amount of trust and healthy communication skills – you’re not just fucking, you’re growing these qualities and strengthening your relationship.
Yes, it *is* important to have a social life to *some* extent, and to do things outside the bedroom sometimes. But some people are less social than others, and some people prefer to spend the weekend engaging sexually and romantically with their significant other instead of going out to lunch and being around a bunch of people after an exhausting work week.
That’s not only perfectly okay, it’s perfectly ***normal***.
My partner and I have a dynamic sort of like this, sexually. While we don’t have a crazy career like you do, so we have far more time together during the week and aren’t as mentally sidetracked with such a crazy workload, we have our own challenges throughout the week that make things stressful and preoccupying.
On the weekends, that’s “us time” – we will regularly have 12 hour sex sessions that go all day/night, where we do all kinds of wild things together, explore, watch videos we’ve filmed, film new videos for ourselves, etc.
Friends will hit us up to do things, and the answer is, “Sorry, today is date day/night” – and that’s that. Friends don’t pester, and we feel no guilt – “us time” is very important, and very healthy to have.
That intense release and intense intimacy after a stressful week – we will have sex periodically throughout most weeks, sometimes, but we also like to save it to build up the tension if we know a big weekend is coming and the week is particularly busy/rough – is an amazing reward for getting through it all.
We’ve been on this “cycle” for pretty much all of the year, and we’re just fine.
Our lives haven’t fallen apart, our friends still know we exist and aren’t mad at us, and our relationship is stronger than ever – and we’re closer than we could’ve ever imagined.
Don’t sweat it. As long as you both feel fulfilled and happy, love and respect each other, and occasionally make time for your friends – even just a phone call or a text, or a lunch once a month when you have the energy and mental capacity to deal with it – you’re golden.
There is no room in this life for shame, guilt, or personal insecurity – especially around sex. Have fun.
I just saw some OBGYN (i think Jennifer Gunter 🤷♀️) post on IG about the phenomenon of let down after rewarding sexual experiences. My take was that it’s common.
Go back to joel