Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, and living together for 2.
He’s a messier person than I am, so I’ve always naturally ended up doing more, but recently (last 6 months) he has gotten way lazier when it comes to helping around the house.
About 6 months ago I offered to completely take over the cooking and shopping, if he paid for groceries, which he agreed to. I noticed after this he wouldn’t help at all with the dishes, so I said to him that I’d take over doing the dishes officially if he did all the washing, which was fine at first, but now he hasn’t done any washing in about a month.
I do the vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, just basically everything.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, and it gets a little bit better for a day and goes straight back to how it was before.
He doesn’t handle confrontation well, so I’m struggling to find the best way to approach him. I don’t want to be doing this for the rest of my life, and I want to be with someone I could settle down with, so it’s getting to a point where I’m thinking of ending things. I love him a lot, everything else in our relationship is fantastic.
What can I say to him that doesn’t come across as accusatory? Is there hope here or should I cut my losses?
TLDR: My boyfriend doesn’t do any cleaning and I’m thinking of ending things because I don’t want to spend my life like this, but I love him and don’t want that
21 comments
He probably doesn’t understand how serious you are about this and that it might cause you to leave him. If he knew that, he’d probably get scared and change. So before breaking up with him I think he should know that it could have this consequence.
If he is messy, make him clean it up. I think that’s just fair. If you make a mess you take responsibility of it.
But please communicate your thoughts clearly so that he really understand what you mean.
>>He doesn’t handle confrontation well
What does that mean?
Why are you worried about coming across as accusatory? You can absolutely ‘accuse’ him of not contributing. It is what it is. You can also ‘accuse’ him of having brown hair. If it’s facts it’s facts. Tell him he’s a contributing partner to the shared household or it’s over. The more you allow it and bargain, just think if you had kids. Nip this is the bud now, or never
Based on your comment above he’s manipulative. If you’ve brought it up and his go to was to break up then you know what he expects. You either do all the work or you can leave.
If you really want to “work it out,” tell him calmly but straight forward: I do all the work (list it all out) and I cannot do this anymore. I’m not happy bc of XYZ. Either you start XYZ, or we need to break up. Tell him that picking up and helping for a few days and then resorting back to his old ways will result in you breaking things off immediately – that there will be no more second chances.
Just know that his response will most likely be like before and that’s when you open the door and say good bye.
One thing I did was go on strike. I just handled only my stuff and nothing else. It made him realize how much I do.
I have no problem doing most of the chores but if I’m doing everything or having to tell him to do everything then the relationship dynamic needs to change. If I’m doing everything for the house then I should only be required to have a part time job so I can keep up with that.
My solution works for us. Doesn’t mean it will work for you but it’s important to just give perspective. All that housework does amount to at least an unpaid part time job.
He needs to contribute. Either by making more money so you only have to work part time to handle everything, or he needs to pick up half the chores.
Also he’s manipulating you every time you argue (based on your comments) so don’t feel bad about going on strike to prove your point.
if you can’t talk about basic life tasks what can you talk about? we are all creatures of habit. we live by rote. he’s not being malicious, he’s just living as he’s adjusted to as are you. to change someone else’s behavior, you have to change your own. do your own laundry, your own dishes, clean up after yourself, if you two can’t agree on who cooks, cook for yourself, make your side of the bed. don’t clean up after him, don’t do his stuff at all but don’t be doing it conjunction with punishment. don’t be, if you don’t clean up I’m withholding affection or sex or whatever. this isn’t punishment, it’s a lesson in change. tell him you want to schedule one day a week and do deep cleaning together. dusting, vacuuming, etc. if you two can’t find 3 hours to clean together, listen to music and would just rather argue about everything being even, go for it but you can try this. I’m also approximating 3 hours as I don’t know how big your place is, 3 hours maybe, with some music. and dress cute, give him a peep show of sorts. not make up and everything, one of his t shirts and underwear. it could be he learns by doing. if you don’t want to make the effort to change his behavior, that’s cool too. just break up and go get your own place, clean your place, leave him to do whatever in his own place. or vice versa, I don’t know who moved in with who.
My friend and her husband split rent and she docks her half if he isn’t pulling his weight. She’s like “Hey the dishes need of be done so I can cook dinner. Either you do them now or I’m paying $20 less in rent.” He loved it at first but quickly figured out *he can’t afford a housewife* and mostly does his chores now.
But personally? I don’t want to be with someone who thinks it’s my job to be his maid/mommy on top of working full time.
He is manipulative and lazy and if you stay your life will be servicing him and his every need. Get out now and work on your confidence. Being alone is better than being your partners parent. Good luck!
I ignored all these same signs and let my self confidence completely disappear. Now I’m stuck and my partner has someone anticipating their every need just to keep things good. It’s not a good life to live. Run!
You get treated how you want to get treated. If you do it all, why would he lift a finger?
Be different if he can make more to pay all the bills,I make like 10k a month,y girl stays at home and cleans everything. Because if she doesn’t I will just pay some other female to do it. So she shows me gratitude because she has a easy life thanks to me.
Sounds like you walk in eggshells around this guy. Not a good sign. If he wanted to do more, he’d be doing it.
Tell that nasty motherfucker he has 3 seconds to fix his shit up and clean up after himself. You’re officially his mother.
I had a calm convo with my partner. I said i cannot live like this. He is not a messy person but didnt clean up after himself or take initiative on cleaning or laundry and im not his mother. I didnt have kids for a reason, im not mothering him. If he wanted to work on it and stay, great. He did. Now he does all grocery shopping, cooking, and (mostly) tidies up and does laundry without having to be asked.
This isn’t confrontation, this is something that is important to you. If he doesn’t fixes it and makes it a problem. Leave him, you shouldn’t have to deal with that
Honestly? Break up. Men children like these do not change. You’ve already bargained enough and with no positive outcome. I had an ex like that and it ended up building so much resentment… Regardless of the fact that he even paid me at some point. The thing is the message was my time is worth less than his.
Your boyfriend is slack ass. Get out now before you become his mother. Let him know why. You signed up to live with a partner, not a child.
I would bc it’ll only get worse. My cousin went through the same situation with her last baby daddy. She didn’t break up with him but she let him abuse her and her son. So if I were you I would stay at least 100yds away from him and never look back. Bc guys like that will never change.
If you want the place clean do it yourself.
Just don’t do any chores until he sees the problem
And when he complains, tell him that you’ve done it for the past X months so it’s his turn to do the chores and yours to pay the bills
Cut your losses. Run. I’ve had all the promises of being better from my OH, we lived in a caravan and he didn’t care, so I did it, with promises of when we lived somewhere nicer he’ll be better. We moved to an apartment and nothing changed, but those promises of one day kept coming. We have 2 kids now and live in a beautiful house, thanks to me. If it were up to him he’d happily live how we did in the caravan. I’ve been begging these last few months for more help, literally begging, still nothing. Today I told him I hate him and kicked him out. Run before it’s too late.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I also feel that he is manipulating you when he says you deserve someone better.
You should check out the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s an excellent book on how to fairly divide tasks up with your partner.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0525541942/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=#