My husband (29M) and I (29F) just got married this past June and this will be our first holiday season as a married couple. To say we are stressed is an understatement.
For context, I am an only child and he is one of three siblings. For the the past 8 years, our families have gotten along and we’re able to spend the holidays with each other. There were hardly any issues when it came to holidays. However, our mothers can get weirdly jealous and upset over the most petty of things.
Over the last year, his sister decided that she didn’t like my choice for a bridal party and started drama (saying how she doesn’t like me or being around my family, saying horrible things about us) which has been a huge stressor and has led to me being NC with her. There were many many other family issues as well from both sides during the planning process. Then, at our wedding, there was a huge blowout between both sides of our family (his sister, his mom, his cousin, my two aunts, and my mom) which led to our families being NC with each other going on 6 months now. I hate to say this, but as much as my husband and I love each other, it has really effected our relationship. We are constantly trying to please our own families while getting in disagreements and arguments with each other. We are aware of this and try not to let it happen, but unfortunately it does.
We have lived together for the last 4 years, and every year we have hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families to avoid the drama of having to split the holidays between families. Now that no one is speaking to each other, the stress of navigating the holidays is blowing up. Each of our families has decided to host thanksgiving dinner this year. We have decided that we will evenly split time between families. We chose 2-5 with his family and 5-8 with my family. Unfortunately, when I told my mom our plan, she decided that she is going to have dinner ready at noon (which she never has in the past, it’s usually always later) and that we can come later to eat (but made sure to mention the fact that her and my dad will have eaten by then) or on another day altogether. I’m instantly feeling the guilt from my mom and it has started an all night argument with my husband and I about our plans.
How can we go about handling this? I don’t want to be feeling dread and depression when it should be happiness and bliss during our first married holiday season.
Edit: My husband did not tell me or ask for my input when he set a time with his family, which has added to our argument over the situation. He said that he thought that since my family has usually eaten later in the past, that it 2-5 would be an okay time to be with his family. While I don’t disagree with the fact that my family always intents to eat early but usually eats late, I am upset over the complete lack of communication with me, which could have alleviated the situation a bit.
TL;DR – Upset family over how wet are choosing to split the holiday. How do you cope/handle this?
5 comments
You and your husband need to prioritize your relationship over making your families happy. If they want to do shitty things like changing the time of dinner or whatever out of spite, then still go at the time you’d planned and just have a nice visit, or don’t go at all. By caving and trying to cater to whatever drama they stir up, you are incentivizing them to try more and more stuff to exert their control.
Personally, I think it could be a good idea to just say you and your husband want to start your own holiday traditions, and that you won’t be going to either place. If you want, you can also set up time to visit with them on another day. Or, you could alternate holidays/years, doing Thanksgiving with his family, xmas day with yours, etc.
What has your husband done to try and repair things or navigate this?
the first few years having wifes family and mine together were a bit lets say less than perfect. It wasn’t even my parents, it was ME, my mother in law and I would clash at every family gathering creating a bad atmosphere for everyone. The main topic was that shes an extreme catholic and I am an atheist. So imagine her trying to do blessings and getting everyone tp pray on thanksgiving and christmas and blowing up on me because I just want to eat and getting into an argument where she feels im disrespecting her beliefs and i’m blowing up feeling attacked like I have to take in her beliefs. Then the wife would be the one trying to mediate and get everyone to calm down, it was a mess.
I had to make a rule, no religion, no politics talks during family gatherings this applied to myself and to everyone else. If she want’s to pray and all, its her and if people want to join in fine, if they don’t, she can’t blow on them. It took years but we have no issues now. We all get along good.She still prays and giver he little speech but she keeps it short.
In your case maybe some rules are needed.
You and your husband can either make your relationship a priority or you can placate your families but you cannot do both. It sounds like 5here was some big compatibility issues around both your families that you ignored and now the ch8ckens are coming home to roost.
I agree with others that the best thing for your relationship as husband and wife would be to skip both families Thanksgiving dinners. You guys need to prioritize your relationship with each other if you want it to last. And your families both need to see that happening.