We’ve been together for 7 months, at the beginning, for 2 months, we were getting to know each other, then for 3 months he used to be very expressive, over the top love bombing me, his eyes were filled with love, I was happy but mostly receptive, I didn’t engage as strongly as he did because it was early for me. Sometimes I would give him disclaimers that I might not stay and it used to make him so nervous and upset. Now for the last two months I started loving him more and more, but he grew colder, so the roles are reversed. He still works on the relationship but we used to talk on the phone everyday, now we talk every 3 days or so, and it’s too little for me because I just entered the intense love phase and he’s done with it. His birthday was yesterday, so I sent him a letter expressing my feelings because I’ve never been good at showing my emotions. I also thought after this letter, my emotions will be so clear for him and we can move on to a better place or it’s gonna fall apart, so this push is much needed. Before I sent it I asked him how he truly feels about me, he said the nicest things. When he read it he acted a bit odd, he was sensitive but also a little closed off. I asked him what’s wrong? He said “nothing, I knew this is what I’ve always wanted and hoped for, but reading it made me feel like it’s not real, I’m feeling a bit odd and in a state of disbelieve, maybe because I’m not used to getting what I want”… i was disappointed, but I told him let it sink in. Then I talked about how he’s been a little cold lately, and that it makes me have all kinds of thoughts, is he: (falling out of love, cheating, upset, etc)? he said there’s no reason and that’s just him, and he’ll try to talk more (he told me when we first met that he’s naturally aloof). he also said he’s always been the diplomat and and rational one in any relationship or friendship, but with me he couldn’t be that person, he said I’m the most rational person he knows, (I guess he was feeling out of character when he was too clingy and emotionally dependent on me at the beginning). After that we had a normal video call just talking and talking. Today we still haven’t talked or texted, and I don’t plan to initiate anything until he does. I don’t know how to perceive the situation and what I should do next.
P.s: we both have anxious attachment style
TLDR: boyfriend felt weird after reading my romantic letter, but he’s still working on the relationship, i don’t know what my next step should be
3 comments
At 7 months you’re probably starting to see the “real him,” not the best behavior honeymoon him. He’s literally telling you who he is. Keep your eyes open and proceed with caution.
I’d act normal if I were you. He read the letter, he had some feelings about it. Not your fault. Don’t play games with who texts first. If you need something or you want to know how he feels: ask. An anxious attachment style is helped when you communicate clearly. Retreating/pretending you don’t need you’r partner makes things worse. Be consistent in your love and emotional availability.
When people need to put the brakes on their feelings of intimacy, it can be surprisingly difficult to change directions. The urge to protect yourself emotionally gets stronger, especially if you’ve been hearing warnings that this relationship could definitely be impermanent.
Think of this as a kind of reset. You’re both back to square one in a lot of senses. That’s nobody’s fault necessarily, it’s just how this played out. You’re probably going to have to do some wooing to restore trust that he’s actually desired and can let down his guard.
After all, he may have been operating under the expectation that this was a very casual relationship and was managing his emotions appropriately. The letter may have caught him completely off guard.