Hi all,
Throwaway because my other account has several identifying features. Looking for some advice regarding how to move forward with my partner after being let down.
My (30f) Grandad died suddenly two weeks ago. His side of the family live far away so I had to take a few days’ trip to attend the funeral. Because of the geographical distance, I didn’t see my Grandad often but I would send him gifts and we would exchange letters/cards etc. I wasn’t heartbroken over his passing since I didn’t see him often, but the whole event made me very emotional as he was my dad’s only parent (my grandma died before I was born) and I felt grief for him, and also at the thought that one day I would be I that position. So, of course I attended the funeral and it was overall a pleasant trip, catching up with family etc, aside from the sad ceremony. Now, I didn’t expect my partner (30m) of 4 years to attend as he didn’t know my grandad and it was a few days out of work, but since I had been quite emotional since his death, I had hoped he might contact me on the day. But…. he just… didn’t? Not a single message or call even though he knew it was looming as I had also never attended a funeral before and was anxious.
He is usually loving and caring in person, but I was honestly so let down. I come from a supportive and reliable family, and I was just so disappointed that even after a death he didn’t think to check how I was doing?
I confronted him about it when I returned, as I was upset about it, and he said he had be thinking of me but didn’t message. He later got upset himself saying he knows he isn’t naturally thoughtful (other people have said this to him I the past) but he doesn’t know what to do about it. I am at a slight loss here as to how to move forward. We were thinking of marrying, but if I can’t rely om him to look out for me after a death, let alone anything else, well… its made me question things. But I am also emotional at the moment so would like some advice. Can this be worked on? Is it really possible for someone to just not be naturally thoughtful like that? I feel distant from him since returning and don’t know what to do.
Tl; dr: Partner of 4 years didn’t check in on the morning of a family funeral. Disappointed and confused. We’re thinking of marriage and now not sure how to proceed.
6 comments
It seems you would have appreciated a call or text, but another person might not have thought it was as essential as you do. For myself, I would assume you would be spending the time with family and friends talking about your Granddad, and comforting one another. My own assumption, if you didn’t take me with you, is that I wasn’t an essential part of your grieving process. So a call would be about my needs, not yours, and might be seen as an unnecessary distraction from your visit. You could call him yourself if you needed to.
Sometimes it takes a situation to open up our eyes. His excuse is very lame. I mean it’s not that he did not know, and a call to you would be as simply picking up a telephone and calling.
His actions speak louder than words. Maybe don’t rush into marriage until this problem is fixed, if it can be.
I don’t think I’d consider specifically texting the day of a funeral myself.
I can’t imagine throwing away an entire relationship on this, either.
His answer was the wrong one. I would understand if he said that he wanted to give you space and spend time with your family, or any reason at all that indicated he was considering what your needs might be. But that isn’t the reason he gave you. So, maybe take a step back and see if this is part of a larger pattern of callous behavior. If not, then consider it a temporary glitch and try to forget about it.
I think it’s reasonable to hope your partner might reach out in support via text or a call but I also think it unfair to think our partners can read our minds or know exactly what we need. People grieve in such different ways and some people want space while others want attention.
Personally, I know my guy would likely text or call me to say he’s thinking of me and check on me but he does this regularly even when it’s just a big day. I’m grateful for that but I think it’s pretty rare. I’ve never had to ask him to be thoughtful.
That being said, if he didn’t, I would simply call him and verbalize that I’m down and looking for support and I know he’d show up.
Sometimes it’s also just about asking for love and help directly.
I wouldn’t base breaking up on this once instance. I think what you need to decide is- are you okay with accepting him as he is and just asking for what you need directly or do you want to look for someone who may naturally do that. Either way, no one is ever going to show up how you want 100% of the time. Being a good partner means communicating from both parties.
I think it’s weird that he didn’t come to funeral with you. When my husband and I were dating his grandmother passed. I had never met the woman but you better believe I took of work and traveled across country with my husband to support him at the funeral. A text is the least he could have done. Not to mention the fact that he immediately got defensive instead of just saying “sorry I was so thoughtless” doesn’t sit right with me.