I’m(M33yrs.old) posting this because I don’t have someone to that I can talk. My anxiety is killing me because she asks for space.
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We’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and the last September this year she(F30yrs.old) flew to Australia to take her chances for a student visa. September was the first month that we’ve been in an LDR relationship, and everything seems well. We always say good morning, how was her day, and all that stuff, and she always initiates calls all the time. I’m here in the Philippines and there is a time difference of 3 hours they are ahead of my current time. She always calls I tend to answer them immediately even though I’m currently at work, I tend to reply to her messages as well the only thing that I was not able to do was to be the first one to initiate a call or message her. The reason that I don’t first initiate calls or messages is that she’s working in the morning as a house cleaner after lunch she’ll go home tired and in the evening she’ll go do some part-time uber eats thing(delivering food), with the things she always does in a day I just tend to not bother her because she needs rest after house cleaning in the morning. I tend to message her or attempt to call her after she’s done her part-time delivering food in the evening but before I attempt to call her I always ask what she’s doing because she’s living with her cousins and aunt and I don’t want to be that someone whose always bothering or they are being annoyed of me calling most of the time. I hope you guys understand what I mean that’s why I don’t initiate first making a call. Days and weeks passed, and last Friday after she, her cousins and her aunt got went to a casino to have some leisure time in the evening I unexpectedly receive a barrage of messages that she was not happy anymore, this relationship is not going anywhere, and she also said she wants us to take our relationship at rest because of that thing that I’m not the first to initiate a call or message and that I don’t have time for her but even though I don’t initiate I tend to always reply and answer her call. Most of the time she calls within my working hours even though I’m busy I see to it that I can answer her call or reply to her messages. I said those are my reasons but she said she was tired and wanted space because she doesn’t want to think and was stressed that I don’t have time for her. I said ok I respect your decision to have space and I also said that hopefully before Christmas she already has a decision then she said that I must trust her and we will be ok before the year ends. It’s killing me as days pass by I can’t eat and sleep and I can’t even perform my work correctly because of that space she asks for. I miss her so much.
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Is my decision correct of giving her space? or should I have just asked if she wants space we must break up and stop everything instead?
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She’s in Australia, I’m afraid that I did give her space. she might be exploring some guys now and I might just be a fallback if everything didn’t work out with her exploring. I asked her if there is someone already she said no. I don’t know what to think.
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She’s still messaging and calling me at times how am I, should I reply or answer her call? what should I reply or answer if she messages or call me again?
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Do I need to do the no contact rule? or is this will just the worst thing that I will do that she will completely drift away from me?
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I love her and I tend to propose to her sometime next year. please help. The anxiety is killing me.
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TL;DR
LDR for 2 months and she wants space because I’m not initiating first to call and message her. please help
I want her back. anxiety is killing me. please help
2 comments
Obviously your decision is not correct because she is upset at having to initiate the calls. Just call her. If it is inconvenient for her she’ll say “sorry, I’m so glad you called but Joe’s not a good time” and then you call later.
After a while she’ll either be happier and feel like you actually do want to put in some effort to keep things going, or she’ll be unhappy that the falls aren’t happening at the right time.
But either way, having that discussion is something you need to do. You’re making a lot of assumptions from what I read and it sounds like she actually wants you to call her.
Your reasons aren’t bad ones but you need to discuss those reasons with HER. We can’t tell you if she’ll understand and agree or not.
The single most important thing to keeping a LDR working is a LOT of open and honest communication. Right now, that isn’t happening and she feels like she’s making all the effort (I know you’re making an effort, but this is likely how she feels). So you need to have that discussion with her.
“I know you are upset that I don’t call you first, but these are the reasons I was afraid that I would be bothering your or that I’d be calling at bad times…”
Honestly, I understand her position. It’s very easy to overthink, feel lost or lonely during long distance. People communicate in different ways, but if my partner straight-up didn’t initiate at all for weeks in a row then I’d feel completely deflated and disconnected. All you have in long distance is those communication styles most of the time.
This is something you can solve. You either have a good talk with her and thoroughly explain why you didn’t initiate, and/or you simply make a conscious effort to initiate now that you know it’s something she needs in order to feel some form of connection with you. Best of luck with the situation.