I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for a year and a half. In a couple days we are approaching the 6th month mark of him not having a car after his got totaled. His car was parked and got hit by a person who fell asleep at the wheel, everyone was okay.
He did receive around $3-4k from insurance to buy a new car and put all of it into crypto currency instead. He’s been getting to work in his roommates car since they’re also coworkers. Usually anything he needs go buy or places he needs to go he figures out on his own, I’ve only helped a few times. Anytime we both want to go somewhere I always drive us for the past 6 months. To make up for me driving he usually buys meals, because we usually go to restaurants.
I feel like this is pretty fair but I’m tired of driving every time we want to go somewhere or do something. The biggest problem to me is that 1) I think it’s irresponsible that he put all of the money that was supposed to go towards buying a new car into crypto currency, and 2) that after 6 months he still does not have a car. He has the savings to do so, but just won’t do it. He has looked at some cars on Facebook marketplace for a simple car that’s a good deal. He’ll contact the seller to see if its available, however he never actually goes to see or test drive the car or buy it.
I am not sure if this is laziness or if he is really just struggling to have the motivation to do it. I strongly suspect that he is depressed and anxious, he has just never been to a doctor to get diagnosed, and he agrees. I am annoyed at this point because I feel like he is being irresponsible with his money decisions and being lazy by just taking rides from everyone around him. I believe that at 25 years old he should be a fully functioning adult…by having a car and making smart choices with money. I am 5 years younger and am fully able to work, live on my own, and have my own car. Why can’t he as well? It concerns me for our future as to what kind of decisions he might make as things get more serious, like if we move in together or get married.
At the same time I also understand that my thought process is very well a product of my upbringing where I was always encouraged to be independent and pushed myself (recovering perfectionist here). Perhaps I am being too hard on him and need to relax. I have broached the subject with him many times in many different ways. I’ll admit I have been pushy about it and annoying, and even rude. In more recent months, after recognizing my behavior, I decided to be more supportive. I occasionally bring it up and when I do I just ask if he’s made any progress, seen anything he’s liked, ill send him cars I think he would like, and even offer to drive him to see them if he needs a ride.
But so far nothing. A few months back I had joked that it would take him 6 months to finally get a car and he said noooo, don’t worry it won’t. Well here we are and I’m fed up. It’s also kind of embarrassing to me because all my friends and family know that he STILL doesn’t have a car, and sometimes they ask or joke about it. They find it concerning as well. Am I justified in being annoyed? Am I nagging him or being mommy like? Am I being a perfectionist? Is he being lazy? Is he truly struggling to find the motivation or inspiration to buy a car? Tonight I thought as far as to say “let’s take a break and talk to me when you get it together” which is maybe just because I’m frustrated, but right now that’s how I feel.
To clarify, if he couldn’t afford a car I would understand and wouldn’t be mad. This is more about the behavior than it is the car.
What do I do?
TLDR: Boyfriend (25M) won’t buy a car because he’s either lazy or lacks motivation. I’m annoyed by his behavior more than the lack of a car. Am I justified or pushy? What do i do?
6 comments
This sounds like a compatibility issue. It’s not that one person is wrong or right, but that you both have different views on finances and priorities — such as having a car.
If my partner was carless and was getting around fine, I could care less.
But I’m not you. This is something you care about. Which is valid. But you can’t force him to care about something that isn’t high up on his list.
I also feel like there’s more to the story than just the car thing. Like, there’s other things he’s doing that bother you and this is just the tip of the ice berg.
I don’t know how attached you are to this relationship, but you’re only 20. Find someone who is truly compatible with you. He could be an objectively great guy and you guys could still be incompatible.
As someone who’s 36 years old and never owned a car, I really don’t get the issue, but I feel like it’s not really about the car at all… I’m just not sure what this is about.
Is this about how other people see your boyfriend? Are you embarrassed that he doesn’t have a car and thus, in your eyes, appears too “immature” compared to you?
Do you just not agree with his financial decisions as a whole (like cryptocurrency)? Do you fear that you will be financially incompatible if you ever start sharing finances?
Or do you feel like this is more of a total incompatibility – that his mindset is too different from yours and that’s what makes you upset?
Fact is: He is not mooching off of you. He doesn’t beg for rides from you and if you drive him somewhere, he pays you back in some way. Sharing a car with a coworker is also something millions of people do to get to work. He also isn’t begging you for money after spending the one he had gotten for a new car. It sounds like he simply has different priorities than you do – and if he would want a car, he’d buy one. But you seem almost personally insulted by him not buying a car.
Don’t get me wrong, anything can be a dealbreaker. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with a car-less man, that’s totally valid! I just don’t really get just why you are so bothered if he is not bothering you about rides or money – so it’s gotta be one of the other things. He isn’t you and you can’t – and *shouldn’t* – want to change him to suit you. People are different.
If he put $3500 into crypto six months ago, it’s unlikely that he still has $3500. Maybe he’s been lucky, but that market has taken a bath lately.
I personally wouldn’t date someone without a car/license, however where I live public transport (although not abysmal) isn’t great. Every single person without a car I have ever met moched rides from anyone convenient in their life. That has been my experience, and so I would have issues with it for sure. In the middle of a super-city where cars are rare and parking expensive I would be obviously not have the same issues but for an average town in an average neighbourhood it just seems to be the choice of people who can’t seem to adult fully.
Why does he need to buy a car if he doesn’t need a car?
Car price are at an all-time high, and so is gas. I wouldn’t get a car now either.
Get him to pay for gas when you drive so it’s not such a burden on you.