These words are the bane of my existence. I’m a guy in his 30s. It takes me a long time to open up and be social with people. Even once I’m comfortable and can talk with others, I have very few friends and most of those are maintained by action from my spouse (couples that we are friends with).
If work in a very Type A, alpha male environment. My coworkers talk sports and give each other shit all the time. I have a hard time relating or being able to have conversations. I mostly sit on the sidelines and observe but don’t participate much. My teammmates will talk to me and we work well together, but I do often just listen to people without talking myself.
I mainly feel like I’m quiet because I don’t have anything to add to the conversation. Like if guys are talking sports, I don’t know how xyz quarterback is performing or anything because I don’t know anything about it. I tried listening to sports podcasts to have something to talk about but it didn’t help much and I’m usually to busy to watch games.
I also have ADHD, and have learned that Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a real thing. I rarely reach out to friends or foster relationships because I can’t help but think that if people wanted to spend time with me that they would make an effort to do so.
What can I do to open up and be more social?
2 comments
Let me apologize first because this comment is not advice and I know that’s what you’re looking for so I’m sorry.
I just wanted to say thank you for this post because I can relate a lot to it. Not the wife part or job/coworkers, since I’ve never had the first and currently don’t have the second. But the being quiet part and and not being able to add to the conversation and not relating to others. That’s exactly the way I am and it sucks because even if I can add something or I know what others are talking about, it’s still hard at times to join in. The football part reminded me of this past Thursday, for Thanksgiving, there’s always a game on and although I know nothing about the plays and everything I do enjoy watching and get excited. But that’s usually when I’m the sole one watching, which was mostly the case this time. Then later in the day my older brother and sister had come into the living room, and they started talking to each other about the plays and speaking about the players and other stuff and I just felt so isolated and distant because I couldn’t relate or join in. The joy and excitement I had for the game only seconds ago disappeared completely and I retreated into my head I really felt like crying but I kept my cool and it was absolutely draining. But that’s one of my fears, getting a job in/at a place with alpha type males, like my niece’s fiance, and just feeling so awkward and out of place because I won’t be able to relate. I’m in my 30s too and I feel nothing like an adult but always like a child, so to be in an environment like that would make me feel extremely small. It’s a struggle and I just want some improvement in my life as well.
Again, my apologies for not offering advice. I barely even know what to say to myself so it’s hard to find something useful that can help others. I just wanted to say thank you tho because it’s not often I find somebody that I can relate to almost 100% so reading this helps to not make me feel alone. I really hope more people see this and can offer some great advice.
Edit: I hope more people see your post I mean, not my comment.
Thank you for your post.
There are definitely steps you can take to be more social, so do not give up. Here are some recommendations that have helped me and some other people I’ve talked with:
-Commit time to socializing and working on your social life. Your social life is like anything else. If you don’t spend time and put intentions towards improving it, it probably won’t go very far. There are some techniques and practices that make this easier but I’m not sure your exact situation so it’s hard to say what to do exactly.
-Improve your own social skills. You have to understand that everyone is busy and nobody wants to waste their time. So yeah if people want to hang out they will make an effort, but have you considered maybe they are also unsure how to open up and be more social? Maybe they have a lot going on and they wish they could reach out but they don’t know how or they don’t have the time. But if you improve your social skills, you can feel more confident/comfortable knowing that you are doing your best. The result: people will be more attracted towards you and want to spend time with you.
-It sounds like you could work on some mindset obstacles as well. I’m sure there are some limiting beliefs to be overcome because that is usually the case. The good news and is that all of this is possible. And since you want to make a change, you’ve already taken the first step.
Hope this helps, and] feel free to reach out in the DMs if you want to talk more about it!