No one will date me because I’m waiting for marriage, and I’m having a complete breakdown over it.

25 comments

1. You are looking for needle in the haystack.

2. Where do you meet men?

3. Like someone said, you’re looking a needle in a haystack.

   I know that you are resisting Christian dating sites. But what about young adult Christian meets ups, or changing church’s and seeing who else is out there and holds your same value.
   Volunteering in different Christian based orgs is another possibly. But I do think it’s safe to say that it will be a religious based setting you’ll find your fella.

   It could be worthwhile taking the lead and organizing a speed dating or dance or something of the sort event geared to those with traditional values.

   Good luck and be gentle with yourself

4. Testing for sexual compatibility before committing to long term including marriage is the expected norm today. You are outside the norm and in a minority, that’s your choice and no criticism from me for it, but you’re adding a huge deal breaker for many people and that would be the case whether you were man or woman. Your pool of people willing to take a risk on marriage without knowing if sexually compatible is going to be very small. If you’re set to this course you’re going to have to weather the storms it brings, because being broken down mentally isn’t going to make you more attractive.

5. maybe find someone at a very conservative church?

6. If I was in your situation I would only date men who are also waiting for marriage. And I would pray that we are sexually compatible.

7. I’m not being snarky I promise, but why are you worried? The Lord will send you the right man for you if you put your faith in his plan and his timing.

8. I think someone else suggested changing churches, but maybe find volunteer programs for multiple churches in the area to help you get out and meet more people with similar values.

   I 100% understand your frustration, although I have my own reasons that aren’t similar to yours. I know it’s even hard to keep trying when people try and give you advice even with the best of intentions.

   Anyway, I say take all of the nice things that people have said here, and try to put together the best answers to make a strategy. You really do sound great, and hopefully that will translate to something amazing for you.

   Take care.

9. The first suggestion would be to go for Christian clubs and sites, but if you don’t want to meet someone that way…have you considered moving to another country or location that is more conservative and may have more men who are also willing to wait? I know some traditional Indian men expect women to be virgins until marriage and I’m assuming other areas of the world are the same. I have to admit that, in my experiences, these men weren’t virgins themselves, though. In other words, those men were hypocrites and held sexist views in general; but, I’m sure not all do.

10. You are self selecting into a very very narrow pool which basically has to be Uber religious people. You may find those on Christian dating sites “weird” because you are looking for something very atypical

    It also matters if you do everything but sex or no sexual activity at all. The latter would rule out even most who are willing to wait for actual sex

11. It’s going to be difficult looking for someone who is also waiting for marriage. I do think you have to keep at it with the Christian dating sites or possibly another religion. Religion is often the only reason people have for waiting. Also, plenty of good looking people still have a hell of a time finding good matches. Online dating sucks for a lot of people. Just got to keep at it.

12. I think you need to filter for religion. Many OLD apps now allow you to input filters for your partner’s religion, and you could select Christians only. Sure it narrows down your initial pool, but you are more likely to have successful second and third dates.

    Also, what is your timeline for marriage? I’d imagine wanting to get married in a year (and meeting someone with similar goals) vs wanting to wait for another 6 years is very different.

    Also, will you be willing to do other non-penetrative sex acts, like oral? Many people want to test sexual compatibility before getting married, and this may be one way of doing so.

13. Not that it’s in anyway relevant but I can’t completely understand your perspective because I was raised an atheist and sexual compatibility is at the top of my list when looking for a partner.

    Nevertheless, there is a whole lot of unnecessary intolerance going on in this comment section.

    The way I’m reading this, is that you have a non-negotiable that most people just disagree with. I’m guessing you didn’t come here for people to shit on your beliefs, but rather to reach out for support because the consequences of your belief system are making it incredibly difficult to meet someone.

    Of course you’re upset! You’ve spent your formative years under the impression that it shouldn’t be this hard to meet a guy, fall in love, get married and eventually have sex, have children and raise a family.
    If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling very hopeless, like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your ideology is entrenched into how you perceive your identity, and why should being religious interfere with being happy, right?
    Just because you made the decision to wait until marriage does not mean you are not deserving of the fulfilment of love., especially if that’s what you strive for.

    I’m really sorry that you are having a hard time espousing those worldviews right now, and I’m really sorry that you haven’t found the right match for you. I know it’s not impossible to find because I have at least 3 friends who are Christian and now either married or in long term relationships with someone who shares their views. They are happy. It exists!
    I hope you can find the happiness you’re after!

14. You might have to look into tawkify or find a matchmaker.

    As always nothing wrong with therapy or counseling.

15. Hate to state the obvious, which is that everyone have baggage these days, no one is perfect and it is a shame if someone think they are cuz they are full of themselves. Dating is hard, but if you want to make it harder on yourself to adding more restrictions to it, then you are not doing yourself any favors neither. But I can empathize where you are coming from, and as someone is also struggle to find love, the only advice is to try to open your options more instead of limits them, if you are only hoping for that once upon of time type of encounter… then I have some bad news for you as well. If you have a busy lifestyle and can’t find the time to go out and mingle, match making services can help with that, you just throw money at it and let someone else screen your date ahead of time so you don’t have to waste yours. But if you are strictly dating app only type of person, then you get what you can get right? Everyone is struggle to find someone and it may seem hopeless when you don’t get date #2 or #3, but take care of yourself physically and mentally can truly benefiting you as a individual in the long run. Especially you are currently coming from a negative space right now, for that I would like to send you some positive vibes and energy.

16. I wonder if some of the problem could be your attitude? Your comment at the end is very snarky with the whole “don’t tell me how hard dating is”. You may need to do some serious self reflection, that could even be your problem.

17. I’m honestly surprised you’re having so many issues finding someone because while it’s unusual for the population at large, my best friend from growing up is uber-Christian and she’s dated several Christian guys. Without this coming up at all.

    Honestly the main difference I would notice between her and you is that she’s a 100/10 personality, morality, inner beauty, but society would probably peg her as “average” in other ways.

    So I’m wondering if – kindly meant – your own high opinion of yourself might be causing you to overlook guys who are kind hearted, but perhaps not registering as an “11/10” on your looks-incorporated scale? When she looks for a relationship, she doesn’t seem to consider their looks at all. She looks at their relationship with God. Are you?

    If you’re Christian I assume you run in relatively small circles via church etc – are you vetting your dates with other women in the community? And when you have convos about waiting, are you making sure they’ve waited and listening to their full views on the subject rather than just asking “are you cool with me waiting Y/N?” because I think that matters.

    Also as someone who was very “I’m waiting until marriage” until sometime during college, literally the thing that made me reconsider it wasn’t the constant badgering or people telling me I was wrong, it was just someone asking “Okay, but… why?” And it got me to realizing it was a lot less about what I thought it was, and more about the fact that I felt really naive /intimidated about dating and sexuality, so avoiding it was what I did instead of learning how to navigate it. Just something to think about. Respectfully said, since I have no idea what your journey has been and acknowledge that.

18. You are, at the end of the day, the equivalent of the weirdos you think are on the Christian dating apps to sexually experienced men. I don’t say that to be disparaging but why are you dating men who don’t believe in waiting for marriage if you do? You might have a chance of meeting someone IRL who falls in love with you through a group activity or work & since they are already in love with you decide it’s worth waiting, but it’s going to be very hard on online dating where we screen for compatibility upfront.

    You need to ask yourself if you have a fantasy if someone being so crazy for you they’ll give up testing sexually compatibility prior to a forever commitment. And if you do, do the work in letting it go, because that’s going to be standing in your way.

    I believe you can find a person who will wait, but if I were a betting woman, you aren’t going to find them on Tinder

19. It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist about how to get over the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. You should be able to stick by what you believe in and feel great too. That sucks that guys do that, and that doesn’t reflect poorly on you or your character. That’s their problem! Feelings of loneliness pass, but it can be hard to get out of a bad marriage, and if the guy doesn’t respect you while dating, he’s not going to respect you while married.

    Personally, I wouldn’t be interested in dating, but that doesn’t mean that you’re less valuable. It just means that we wouldn’t be a compatible match! There’s plenty of single people, and a large part of dating is finding someone that you’re compatible with.

20. If this is important to you, then it’s important to you. However, you have to accept that realistically, there aren’t a lot of people who want to wait for marriage, especially as you get older. Most people in your potential dating pool have had sex, either outside of marriage or within a previous marriage. Most people who are waiting until marriage end up getting married young or very quickly after meeting someone so they don’t have to “keep” waiting. Although many of these marriages end in divorce, they don’t often wait until marriage the second time around. It’s understandable that people want to confirm that they’re sexually compatible with someone before getting married. It’s also understandable that you want to wait until marriage if this is important to you.

    Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important. I can’t imagine getting married to someone before having sex. I wouldn’t want to discover after getting married that our sex drives were incompatible or the sex was awful and my partner was not interested in changing. At that point, you have an unhappy, unfulfilled marriage or a divorce.

    I think one problem you’re facing is that while yes, the right person will respect your boundaries, you’re also finding men who respect your boundaries and don’t have sex with you while also acknowledging that they don’t want this boundary in a relationship, which is an honest reaction. You’ve made waiting until marriage the single most important factor in looking for a partner because it’s such a rare quality and filters out 99.9% of potential matches. Is this the most important quality for you?

    I think the first step is identifying why waiting until marriage is so important to you. Is it for religious reasons? If so, then looking for someone who shares your religious beliefs should be your first step. I know you say Christian sites are weird and awful, but that’s basically describing every dating app out there. Sign up with one and filter on people with the same religious beliefs as you. Not everyone will believe in waiting until marriage, but some might. You could also participate in church functions and volunteer opportunities and social events. Put yourself out there in every way you can in the circles that might share this value.

    If it’s not religious, then identifying the reason can help you come to terms with what value you’re placing on sex and why. Like, is it because you think sex before marriage devalues marriage? Is it because you’re worried about pregnancy? Disease? Is it because there is some judgment against those who’ve had sex outside marriage? How would you feel if you did find someone, got married, divorced, and found yourself dating again? Would you still want to wait until marriage or would sex before marriage be okay at that point? In the last example, my point is that if you find sex before marriage okay at that point, maybe the underlying thought isn’t that you need marriage to have sex but that you need a serious, committed relationship in which you feel safe to have sex. I’m not saying to change what you want, I’m just saying that if you think about it critically and try to pinpoint why this is so important, it might help you figure out who and what you’re looking for in a partner.

    Dating is hard in general. I hope you are able to get enough fulfillment out of other parts of your life that you don’t have a breakdown about this!

    Edit: I see from your post history that you’re using Tinder. I know it’s not JUST a hookup app, but considering that’s the app’s reputation… that’s likely one reason you’re having trouble finding guys who want to wait for marriage.

21. You have your own beliefs, morals, and values.

    You are finding it hard (“severe problems”) because you choose to be celibate until marriage based on your religion/belief system.

    I put it to you to look at what you are going through in another situation. If you adamantly believe in not killing someone and if someone is threatening you with imminent danger of murder then you will die for your beliefs. This is the consequence of holding to the integrity of your beliefs.

    This is an extreme example but my point is that your suffering is the consequence of your fierce adherence to your morals and having such integrity in holding onto those beliefs.

    I am sorry that you are feeling depressed, worthless, unloveable, and having a breakdown over this.

    Assuming that you are doing this because this is what a good Christian does/does not do? May I suggest that this is an opportunity to examine more closely what Christian principles underlie this commandment?

    Another suggestion is for you to get counsel from a minister/priest/pastor for this.

22. I think this is easier when you get married young. Really, for a multitude of reasons. Young love is so powerful and passionate. As you get older you don’t feel about people and relationship like you did in your late teens and early 20s. Idk, the exact point I’m making except that age is the big factor in this I think.

23. Religion aside, most people aren’t looking for what you are. You need to be looking for those who are.

    It’s like me being vegetarian and getting mad that I’m dating meat eaters who won’t convert for me.

24. I married a woman who wanted to wait for marriage and we did. It was a point of contention because I had previous partners and didn’t consider her being a virgin a gift or even something remarkable. We ended up not being sexually compatible. In the 10 years we were married I would guess we had sex maybe ~100 times. I had that with girlfriends in a month or two.
    She had been raised very religious and oppressed. She ended up cheating on me with multiple men. I wouldn’t date someone who had the same oppressive upbringing. Too much hidden baggage.

    @OP, why are you waiting?

25. Your a Christian, live by Christian values, and refuse to use a Christian website because all the Christian men are weird and repulsive. Do you even go to church? Christian groups? I see you’re using Tinder. You need to get real, men on Tinder aren’t looking for chastity until marriage. You’re living in lala land. I rarely recommend therapy but you really need it. Being short and having a Southern accent doesn’t make you an 11 btw.