Last week, my family [[mom (59f), dad (56m), sister (23f)]] came to visit me (28) in the city where I currently live. Everything was going well, until my father made a xenophobic comment to my tenant. For context, she has Chinese features, but she was born and raised here.
Me and my partner told my dad that what he said was totally inappropriate. He kept arguing that he didn’t say it with bad intentions and he left our house upset.
After this, he missed the rest of the family activities (he didn’t send a message informing me). I managed to find him, and I apologized for saying that he was acting very ungrateful, even though I was assuming all the costs of their trip… (I know, it was a terrible comment).
He told me that he was still upset and that we were unfair to him. He was convinced that our landlord didn’t even understand what he said (my dad thinks she doesn’t speak our language, just because she looks Chinese), and that if she kicked me out of the apartment, it wouldn’t be a problem, because family comes first.
After explaining again why what he did was inappropriate, and telling him that a mutual apology would fix everything, he told me to get out. After that he continued to ignore me.
Now, the problem is that I promised to visit my family for Christmas, but I don’t know if I should go.
All my family is on my side, and I know that they would be happy to see me (even more considering that I live so far from them), but at the same time, I know that it will be painful for me to be there with my father ignoring me.
My father has a history of being unable to accept his mistakes. Part of this attitude (and other childhood traumas) was the reason why I decided to live far away from my family. I know that my dad loves me, but I also know that he is emotionally immature, and that dealing with it hurts me.
I wouldn’t want him to spend Christmas alone either.
Have you been through a similar situation? Do you think I should spend Christmas with someone else?
TL;DR My father is upset (one way) with me and ignores me. He is not able to accept his mistakes. Because of this, I don’t know if I should not see my family for Christmas, even though I haven’t seen them for a long time and I miss them all (big family).
10 comments
-you could skip a year
-you could go and ignore the feud
-you could wage war for your beliefs
For Christmas, which do you think best suits you?
Your dad is a racist. If he never accepts mistakes, apologies or changes, then you know that you need to take a step back from the relationship. Stop caving to him because you feel guilty.
It’s okay for him to be upset. He’s a big boy and he can take the consequences of his behavior whether he chooses to admit his mistakes or not. If he wants to have a tantrum, it’s his business. Let him. And don’t apologize to him for what he did.
First of all, *never* apologize for confronting a bigot. It makes them think they’re right and you’re wrong.
Secondly, ditch your father & spend time with people who make you happy.
You have to love your parents. They gave you life. What you don’t have to do is like them and put up with them after you are out of their house.
I would skip. I have cut family out because they are toxic and refuse to change. While I love them, I don’t like who they are and they don’t get to cause drama or more trauma in my life. Period.
Once you adopt this attitude, people will either change or they won’t, but the point it that either way, you don’t sacrifice what is right (not putting up with bigoted and racist rhetoric is what is right in your case) and your mental well-being.
There is actually a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and I think you might find it helpful. I know I did.
Could you tell them you are considering it? Would the idea of lost time get your message across?
From what you’ve written here – it sounds like this is your dad’s problem. He’s in the wrong and his inability to apologize, even at the expense of relationships, really shouldn’t be catered to.
You’ve said the rest of the family sides with you and would love to see you for Christmas. Focus on them – and do your best to ignore dad’s hurtful tactics. Remind yourself that this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own lack of self accountability.
emotionally immature people can be very hard to deal with because they can’t handle honesty. Basically have to handle them with kid gloves.
This situation could go either way. Without knowing your full family dynamics, it’s tough to say. But I think missing one holiday wouldn’t be the end of the world. At the same time, if you can handle the awkwardness, it sounds like the rest of your family supports you and would be happy to see you.
You could always invite the rest of your family out for Christmas Eve and then skip Christmas for that year and then later have a talk with your dad. If he’s not willing to change then maybe it’s best to go low contact, like still be around in case of an emergency but holidays and casual hang out are a no.