Throwaway, because reasons. This is a bit of a rant but I really feel like I need to vent.
I’m with my partner for more then 10 years. We have kids and a healthy and happy relationship.
I’m more adventurous in bed and would love to try all kinds of stuff, like using toys, soft bdsm, butt stuff, new positions, etc. I’ve brought it up several times and each time my partner did respond positive to it. So I bought some stuff (toys, lube, sexy cloths) and tried to initiate some things my partner was up for. But every time I bring it up (which is not often, we mostly have very vanilla sex) she is not up for trying anything new. Not even small things, like stimulating lube or a small vinger vibrator. She always responds that she feels that she herself not enough for me and that I need more to satisfy me. I always try to reassure her that that’s not the reason I like to try new stuff at all, and that I just would love to experiment and explore more stuff in bed together with her. It always kills the mood and it always ends the sex. I’ve tried bringing the issue up when not in bed, but she never really wants to talk about it.
It has been like this for a few years actually. It came to the point that I’m now tired of trying and bringing it up with my partner, and it’s frustrating. I’m at the point of just accepting to have vanilla sex the rest of my life.
Any advise before I just submit to it?
10 comments
If it has always been like this or been like this for a while then it just may be who she is. It may an incompatibility of sex
Fight for what you feel you need or resentment will eventually form from it.
It’s probably a sexual incompatibility issue. Maybe ask her if there’s anything she’d like to try, without putting pressure on her?
That’s a tough one for me! I’m so vanilla and was turned off by exes who weren’t and so kinky. I love my vanilla wife being so vanilla. I like it even when we bump heads in the bedroom trying to kiss each other and laugh (I know I’m cheesy). So I sought out vanilla all my life but it sounds like you got vanilla and didn’t seek it as much.
But maybe you can just talk about it in a comfortable setting? Maybe after vanilla sex, you can just say the smallest idea and say you love her and she’s your #1 and this is the only person on the planet with whom you’d ideally do this. That’s a tiny bit psychologically manipulative with the phrasing of the last sentence but you know, it’s still gentle.
I think at least many of us vanilla people just want to find a romantic angle to all of this. One of the reasons I’m so allergic to role-playing in the bedroom, for example, even though I like women dressing up outside and find it sexy is that it seems like a barrier to intimacy. I want to see the true person more in the bedroom than anywhere else in the world. But maybe I could be persuaded if I could see role-playing as another side of a true person and not feel like it’s “fake”.
It sounds a little like all the stuff you want to try requires her to change, so I can see where she’s coming from. There’s a fine line between “Let’s spice things up in the bedroom to see what we like and isn’t it fun to do stuff together?” and “I need you to try something else because I’m bored.”
What you need to do is back off a little. Have a talk with her about how she’s a great partner and you have some curiosity that you only trust her to help you explore. You’re only engaging her as a physical object that’s the target of your experimentation rather than an equal partner in exploring a world of pleasure.
I have a similar situation, and modern Tantra helped me a lot. It does not require toys. Part of the challenge is to open new horizons for her.
Try doing kegels during PIV. It makes your dick jump, and can be used to signal that you are about to come so you can finish together. If she squeezes back, it is playful and intimate in a way that’s hard to describe.
Learn to do a Yoni massage. It only requires fingers and patience, but can deliver mind blowing continuous orgasms. Really.
So it might be a compatibility issue… but it might also be that your wife feels a little insecure and your communication about this issue has gotten stuck in an unproductive rut. “I should be enough for you” really misses the point of toys etc.
You might want to try a bit of couple’s counseling so you can find a way to talk about what you want without making her feel pressured or *less than*.
It feels a little bit like you’re saying “I want to try new things with you” and she’s hearing “you’re not enough”.
Yeah you need to stop bringing it up, you asked and she answered… several times over
You are now being very pushy and not respecting her limits.. she said NO
The only thing you can do is decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and leave if it is
Commenting so I can check back later on this. Goodluck to you, this is a tough situation when emotional and physical feelings conjoin
Hmm this is interesting.
You mention that you bought things that SHE “was up for”. I assume that means you guys discussed this ahead of time and she expressed an interest in it?
When you mention using these things and she declines, do you ask what about her feelings have changed between the time she expressed interest and now?