What’s a terrible quality/habit you’ve learned to avoid just by observing others?

10 comments

1. Being a “No” person, in terms of not being open to new ideas, people, or experiences.

   Saying “No” to movies/restaurants/activities, to talking to new people, to opportunities to develop your current relationships. Or not being open to change of any kind. It leads to a boring, dull life, and when you keep saying “No” to people then you can lose out on new opportunities and connections.

   I’m not saying you can’t ever say “No,” boundaries are important, but if you’re not willing to challenge yourself or to explore it can lead to toxic energy.

   My mom always says no to any movie or show I suggest, any bonding activity (like hiking or painting), any new recipe. She even says “No” to projects i work on (I do theatre and film) if they’re too “wacky.” All she does is sit on her chair, the news blasting and having both her laptop and her phone on her lap. Rarely ever makes eye contact with me. Her constantly saying “No” to me has definitely fragmented our relationship.

2. Bad posture and gross eating habits.

3. Taking things people say personally. Maybe your boss is yelling at you because they’re stressed and taking their anger out on a convenient target, not because of anything you did. Maybe your friend just tends towards insecurity, and you’re not being mean. Other people disagreeing with you isn’t an attack on you necessarily.

   This is since progressed to carefully allotting weight to other people’s opinions. Not everything should be given equal amounts of consideration. You can reserve judgement while still being polite/friendly/supportive, but judgement (reserved or not) isn’t inherently bad, and sometimes what you’ll hear is worthless.

4. Being negative about every aspect of your life. I’m a natural pessimist. I prided myself on being a realist. Then at my first job, I had a 60+ year old coworker who was always negative. If you asked her how her weekend was, it was always negative. She hated her neighbors, her friends, her church, her work, her veterinarian, her dog groomer, everyone and everything.

   Even when she loved something, she was able to make it into a negative thing. For example, she loved gardening. It seemed like a safe topic. Nope. She offered to do the gardening for the landlord to get a minuscule rent discount for her grown daughter who was in her 30s. That means she would complain about rent, martyr herself to help the daughter (who’s a grown adult); vent about how much work, materials, and time it took. When I pointed out how it was unfair and people should maintain their own gardens, then she would complain they didn’t do it as pretty. She put herself into situations and then complained about it.

   She couldn’t say a good thing about most situations or people. It was such a downer to talk to her. I disliked being around her because she only shared bad news, bad thoughts, bad feelings. Looking at her was a glimpse into my future. She was so miserable; what was she even living for? She was so miserable she may as well not be living. I worked for years to become a more positive person, so others and more importantly that I would like to be around myself. I make damn sure that I build a life I like. I don’t love everything about my life, but I acknowledge that I made choices and I’m the one who built the life I live.

   (To be compassionate: she was from a generation in which women were defined by their roles as a wife and mother. (Though doing the math now, I think she would have been a teen during the sexual revolution. She came from a more conservative background.) She had a scar on her hand from her husband spilling hot oil on her. He died when the daughter was young and she never told her daughter how horrible he was. She gave the daughter a idealized version of him. She talked about having wanted to be a nurse but not having the money for school. So, she was a product of her time and deeply embittered by her circumstances.)

5. Use of Instagram/tiktok. You won’t be seeing my private life on the internet

6. Over-giving in friendships when the other person clearly doesn’t see the relationship the same way. I learned if they’re not reciprocating or I don’t feel the same energy being returned then I need to pull back, otherwise it’s just going to be wasted. I don’t do this out of pettiness, but because I’m clearly overstepping a boundary if that’s all they’re willing to put in that connection. It doesn’t make them bad people, we’re just not compatible. So far all my friendships have been equal and support me greatly

7. Parentifying my own children. Hey, at least I finally broke the multigenerational trauma!

8. Talking over people.

   I’m pretty sure I have adhd and it’s really hard to shut up sometimes and this thing happens where you really struggle to let a conversation flow or change topic when you aren’t ready. Like your brain is so focused on the first topic and it’s hard to just talk about something else.

   But my nan talks over everyone and talks about the same thing over and over again. Sometimes you’ll tell her something and it just feels like you’re annoying her or she doesn’t care because she keeps changing the subject back to something she was talking about earlier.
   I sympathise with her but it’s annoying so I try my hardest to not do that.

9. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Unless they’re into that, but still get consent first.

10. Overtalk and comment on people’s appearance.