Even though they said that they will never have sex again, and it’s been the case for 1 year. She is bi and recently found a girlfriend. We dated (29M 30F) for 3 months and I still find this fact uncomfortable. We decided it’s a serious relationship.
I never needed to handle this situation in my past relationships.
Update:
Thanks for all your opinions.
I decided to end this relationship. Too toxic.
Here are the main reasons:
1) When I tried to discuss my boundaries (such as i forming me before meeting her alone), he called me controlling and jealous. I have never asked him to cut her out so his accusation is pure gaslighting.
2) He tried to force me to accept her by comparing me to her new gf totally okay with their friendship.
3) They spent two days alone in a holiday without telling me. I discovered after and he told me that I was overreacting and should bottle up my feelings.
So yes I walked away.
40 comments
I became such good friends with my ex’s FWB that she was in my bridal party when I married him.
He’s no longer in the picture, she and I are still friends, 23 years later.
Nope. He needs to cut her off or you need to leave. That kind of situation will tear you apart.
That’s just too much.
No you cannot. A guy or girl should never accept an ex, FWB, casual hook up or love interest as a best friend. Find out this early in the relationship and nope the hell out of it. These “friends” enable cheating, encourage cheating or are the shoulder to cry on when things go bad in your relationship. So hell no.
This would be a dealbreaker especially if it was recent
Idk, you can accept it but it’s understandable if you don’t.
I stayed friends with most of my exes, some of them are my closest friends after many years and we wouldn’t even think of getting back together, especially if it would mean one of us cheating. I can also see how a partner could feel bad about the friendship but it would make me very sad if the friendship ended because of this.
On the other side, a cheater would cheat even if it’s just a friend/random person and not a former FWB. And someone who is NOT a cheater would refuse it even if someone else made a move on them.
I’d say trust your gut with this. It’s an icky situation and you are allowed to feel uncomfortable. It comes down to what you have to do with it though. Maybe getting to know her better would help. You can know more about her personality and the vibe between your bf and her, etc.
Edit: I’ve read the update and wow. Going to a two-day holiday and not telling you, and then getting too defensive about it is simply not good news.
Not my cup of tea.
For your mental well-being, just leave. Its obvious your opinion doesn’t matter, so why stay with someone that doesn’t respect your boundaries
You didn’t have to before and you shouldn’t now.
My rule of thumb….. No ex’s, no FWB’s, no I’m still attracted to them.
Keep the damn drama out
I think it would depend on how it ended and how long ago. Did it fizzle out and come to a natural conclusion, or did they only stop because someone met someone they wanted an actual relationship with? Have they been able to successfully have a platonic relationship for a while without having sex again or not.
I’m still in frequent contact with an old fwb but we haven’t hooked up in 15 years. They’ve since been married. And any sexual aspect has been dead, buried, and probably a tree by now.
There are some people who this would not be an issue for. There are other people who would not be comfortable with this dynamic. I personally am in the second group. I could never date someone who has regular contact with a previous sexual or romantic partner, particularly not one as recent as a year ago.
If this doesn’t work for you, that’s the only info you need. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend thinks it’s reasonable. But you also don’t get to tell him what to do with his life. You can set the boundary that you aren’t comfortable dating someone who is close friends with a former FWB. If he says that part of his life is not going to change, then you need to find a new partner who is more compatible with you.
No
Nope. I’d be completely uncomfortable with that
I think those things have to be handled on a case-by-case basis. Everybody is unique and I strongly advise people think of other people as unique people and if they seem like they have good values in general and they’re with you then they probably love the one they’re with. If he was still messing around with that girl he wouldn’t be looking for somebody else and I think we need to reach down deep inside ourselves and expand ourselves and if the person seems like they have good values then stretch and learn to trust.
I would never accept that
>There are other red flags made me realize that I prefer my mental wellbeing over accommodating someone’s needs.
Good for you. Right choice.
He is allowed be friends with whoever he wishes, same as you are free to walk away and find someone more aligned with your expectations, if the situation doesn’t sit right with you
Depends on you mostly
Some people are okay with it, and that’s fine
Some people aren’t and that’s equally as fine
My fiancé is still friends with his fwb but there’s no feelings attached at all, she’s moved on, he’s moved on, and they haven’t been together for years. Equally I’m friends with my previous fwb and there’s also no feelings between us either.
But I understand if that’s a dealbreaker because not everyone would be comfortable with that. And if you’re not then just end it now before it effects your mental health anymore
I’m best friends with my old fbw and i truly think it’s super dependent of the situation.
How did they meet, where they friends before being fwb or did it start as fbw and then they built a friendship? the latter happened to me where I met her on tinder, we slept together a bunch, i felt she was moving too fast and as a newly out bi woman I was petrified and didn’t want a relationship so I partly ghosted them, issue being that we actually had so many mutual friends that we actually ended up seeing each other out.
The more time I spent with her without sex the more I realised that I love her in the most platonic way i’ve ever experienced, we’ve got such a deep bond and I truly couldn’t live without her.
I’ve now got a gorgeous boyfriend who I am so incredibly in love with and would never dream of hurting. He has had to deal with the fact that my best-friend is an ex-fbw and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful for him for being able to be so mature and understanding. Same with my ex-fbw, she watched me fall in love and although we weren’t romantically involved I was still scared that they would be hurt in the matter.
I’m incredibly lucky that they are both amazing people, who get on incredibly and have managed to find a genuine friendship with each other. My fbw has acted incredibly, she never made my bf feel like he was unwelcome, intruding, second best etc.
This is such an intricate situation and it’s so hard to judge it from a simple post, but if you love and trust your bf, and she has given you no reason to feel insecure, see if you can let go of the fact that it happened.
The fact that he has been honest with you so early about his relationship with his best friend makes me think that it really is nothing for you to worry about.
I understand you feeling the way you do, but for me personally if I trust my bf and he says it’s over then it’s over and I trust him completely.
One thing I will say is at least he’s honest. Some people would have just claimed she was a friend and not even opened up about the fwb situation.
I do understand people who say leave, and it always will depend on individual situation and the people in it, but I used to be fwb with one of my closest friends, and my boyfriend is okay with this as he knows that’s in the past and I am not interested in my friend in that way at all. They’ve actually become pretty good friends too which is cool. But just because someone is okay woth a certain situation doesn’t mean someone else should be, so it completely depends on how it makes you feel.
I’m a guy here, could never date a girl in the same position. It’s almost a guarantee they’ll hook up during any major fights. Especially at the age.
Edit: someone removed their comment saying this was misogynistic. Very confused because I was stating this on equal terms for both women and men. I would never expect a girl to wanna be in a relationship with myself, if my best friend was an ex FWB.
Okay real quick answer. No and please ladies don’t ask such ridiculous questions would a guy do the same for you? Don’t accept this blatant disrespect, please. You’re too young to have no standards for yourself. There are other fish in the sea that don’t have this baggage. He can cut them out of his life or in my opinion you should walk away.
I recently had a relationship where she was in close and constant contact with either her ex’s or former FWB’s. This is to the point of staying overnight and often becoming “unavailable” for several hours. She even still lives with an ex bf! When I would ask to see her or have a dinner/lunch and she said she was “busy” I was told I was too possessive and controlling if I asked what she was busy doing. I mean, can you blame me for asking? She has an excessively high (incredulously high) sex drive and it became obvious due to all her “friends” being much closer in distance than I, she was fulfilling her compulsion elsewhere. I believe once that line is crossed (sex) it’s far easier for one to cheat because its a virtual carrot being dangled in their face. Male or female. That’s why I keep any ex as far away from me as possible. It can only lead to problems down the road.. and it definitely did with this girl. She’s still not over a guy from 10 years ago and would bring him up often. That was always a huge red flag she’d be unfaithful and eventually screw me over. Lesson learned.
That’s really up to you. There are relationships that exist before you come into the picture. You should not expect your presence after 3 months to rearrange all of his close important relationships. If you decide to break up, he’s lost his important friendships for you and he’s lost you. That’s a bad deal. If you have a problem with it, talk about it or leave.
I certainly would not cut my friends off for a three month relationship. That’s a bridge too far.
Super proud you got out of that relationship. I personally would not date someone who was besties with someone he put his dick in.
I think it depends on the honesty. I’m in a similar situation, and the thing that has upset me the most was concealing things (imo in a way to manipulate me), not telling me things that I’d be uncomfortable with until after they’d already happened. I was a lot deeper into this relationship before I found this out, but at 3 months in, I’d just end it. It’s not going to change
With that additional information you made the right choice OP. There is more to this than you being jealous or whatever else you’ve been told. That feeling you got when you’re told they met up, that’s the gut you follow. Congrats on making the decision that is best for you.
Happy to see that you walked away! I definitely couldn’t handle that, especially if they were being secretive about hanging out. Better to do this now, at 3 months, than in the future at 3 years. Idk imo if there is so much to work through this early on, it’s definitely not a good foundation to build on. Happy for you 💛
As long as there’s boundaries in place I could. My best friend is an old fwb, but my partner is made aware of any time we hang out (even if it’s just gaming or a phone call), they’ve met, if he ever gets worried he has full access to read our messages, has ex fuck buddys contact information, and we would never drink, do drugs, or spend the night together. Not because i can’t control myself, but to respect my partner. The dude loves my partner and my partner just along with him.
Nope
Nope
Nope nope & nope
Glad you dumped the loser
Hard no
If they had sex before, the boundary line now is so thin that a wink of an eye will break it. Personally, I find it very uncomfortable if they remain in touch or hang out with each other. People can call you lack of confidence, but by standing up, you know no one is going to laugh behind your back.
Absolutely not lmao
No.
100000% no.
I am a married woman and MY best friend is a man.
The ONLY reason it’s ok is;
1. We knew each other prior to me meeting my husband
2. There has never been so much as flirting between us
Once that sexual line has been crossed it is far more likely they’ll cross it again.
He needs to make the choice;
Does the FWB friendship hold more value than his relationship? Because rn it sounds like he’s keeping her on “hold” or maybe she is keeping him on “hold”
Either way.
HUGE red flag.
I just saw your upset about the post honestly I didn’t even read that far, because details really don’t matter in situations like these. Glad u found your peace
Point is..you never fuck your friends . What that means is. They weren’t friends, they were fucking around. So good call.