UPDATE::
For clarification:
-It’s a house that is split up and down not like a standard duplex so sorry if that confused anyone
-Any time I am over there it’s because HE has asked me to be.
So I asked him how this conversation came to be and he said she brought it up. He said he has had conversations like this in his life with other roommates when relationships start and significant others come around often so it was nothing personal, just standard roommate conversation. Understandable. I asked him if utilities went up since I’ve been coming around he said no. I asked if he wanted me to start paying rent. He said “no that doesn’t make any sense”.
He said roommate had brought it up but then later apologized and expressed she was going through an emotional moment and having a hard time.
I suggested we limit the amount I spend the night and he said no. I expressed that I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and it made me uncomfortable. He said she apologized and has moments where she is like that.
I asked why he brought it up to me and his response was that the conversation with his roommate made HIM and uncomfortable and he didn’t want any drama because this past week I did spend more time than usual considering it was the holiday week and we both didn’t have work. He said it didn’t make sense for him to think that way and she was in his head a bit even though she did already apologize.
Anyways the conversation ended with him telling me not to worry about her or rent or anything and if anything comes up, he’ll take care of it. He then asked what I wanted from the grocery store so I can have stuff when I’m there.
I do personally plan to let this breathe for a little while. For those asking why I didn’t just have a conversation with him at first, I genuinely did not know where to start or what questions I needed to be asking and a lot of people here have helped with that. I have lived on my own so I wasn’t getting the whole roommate respect dynamic.
Of course over time as we build our lives together there will be more conversations about boundaries. I also plan to distant myself from her a bit as others have suggested.
Thanks!
Hello,
So I am still trying to process this and figure out what to do with this information and needed to talk to an unbias crowd. My boyfriend (31M) and I (25F) have been dating for about a year. He has a roommate (31F) and they are best friends. Now before anyone starts, there is no jealousy here. I thought the roommate and I have gotten along pretty well. I make sure to go out of my way to be kind to her and make sure she’s involved in any/all activities because my boyfriend is actually her only family. All her relatives have passed and no siblings.
So they are roommates but not in the traditional way. It’s more of a duplex. Separate entrance, seperate kitchen, separate living room, separate drive way, separate porch, separate washer and dryer, separate everything. Not on the same floor. Well my boyfriend mentioned in passing that him and her had a conversation about me coming over often and at what point do i start paying rent…this kind of threw me off a little bit. I spend the night a maximum of 3nights…usually weekends. I didn’t respond when he said this because i didn’t quite know how to feel. But the more i thought about it it honestly hurt me because it feels a bit passive aggressive and honestly I feel there are more underlying elements. I believe roommate is emotionally dependent on my boyfriend (they met in grief group years ago) and I feel like she feels i am taking him away. Every time him and I are doing a family function, she is suddenly sick or in the emergency room.
I should’ve asked more questions about how that conversation even came up but i couldn’t form my words right at the time because it shocked me a bit.
This is his best friend and i dont want to discredit that but I am starting to get uncomfortable and i definitely dont feel comfortable spending the night again especially if it’s bothering her so much she brought it up. I don’t like the whole women competing for attention thing and boyfriend having a female best friend doesn’t bother me but this seems likes its turning stereotypical.
TLDR: BF’s female roommate doesn’t want me to come to the house so often even though it’s physically impossible for us to pass each other in the house. How do i move forward with this information?
38 comments
Just ignore it and carry on as usual.
Shes trying to disrupt the relationship, don’t let her.
That’s odd since they really aren’t roommates in the traditional sense. 🤷♀️
Whose side is your bf on? Like why did he mention it?
He kicked u out…
U sure nothings goin on there?
I would tell him well have a nice life with your bf because your out.
This is very suspicious and it’s probably not worth it.
Also don’t listen to anyone that says you should pay rent for spending the night a couple nights a week at your boyfriend’s place. If you don’t live there then you shouldn’t be paying rent. It is completely ridiculous to say anyone that spends the night with their bf or gf should pay rent.
I think the sooner you get out the less time you’ll have wasted. I don’t see his best friend ever giving up control. He certainly doesn’t seem like hes going to put up any boundaries to her behavior and actually appears to agree with her. So you have to ask yourself if you want to waste any more of your life trying to figure out what their problems are …especially since you can’t really do anything about it …only they can.
I don’t think she wants you to stop coming over… I think she’s probably concerned about things like water and electricity usage.
My roommate offered to pay 2/3s of the water bill when her boyfriend stayed with us for a few too many nights over a month period. Probably about 3 or 4 nights a week, but he was showering here and using electricity and all that. I was relieved by her offer, because I didn’t want to be paying for water someone else was using. Now, I don’t like her boyfriend being over here much because the space is small, but I was more concerned about the bill increase than the space invasion.
I think you’ve jumped to a bit of a conclusion in thinking that this roommate doesn’t want you around, just based on one passing comment from your boyfriend. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about what he meant, whether he meant you chipping in for utilities or is the paying rent thing paving the way for you to move in? It might not be as bad as you think.
I think also check where this suddenly suspiciousness for his roommate has come from… does she treat you poorly? Has she made comments about you being there too much before this? Are you sure you’re not spiralling into your own thoughts and projecting a little? Do you see her as a threat to your boyfriends attention and time? Are you sure you aren’t the one turning this into a stereotypical situation?
This is weird. if you are only there on weekends and maybe one day a week it is crazy for you to pay rent. I can see the boyfriend paying a little more in utilities maybe but you are not even using that much power or water to probably make a difference. This is a power play. She is jealous. I would have a serious talk with my boyfriend. I mean you said you hardly see her. No shared spaces. It really isn’t her business if you are spending the night. If he agrees with her there might be more going on. I would get to the bottom of it. You don’t want to waste your time if he is looking for a way out or if he is gonna let her call the shots in your relationship. Who needs the drama.
BF wants you to pay to stay. F that, you are not a roommate and BF and BBF are jerks.
Time to break up the threesome!
Are you sure that your boyfriend isn’t making this up completely and just trying to suggest you kick in towards his bills but is being kind of a coward about it? I would honestly tell him you’d like to speak directly to his neighbour (she is not his roommate) to see why she felt the need to bring this up. Dollars to donuts he won’t want you to talk to her.
>him and her had a conversation about me coming over often and at what point do i start paying rent.
It seems he thinks you should be paying rent. There’s nothing here saying SHE thinks that. They were having a conversation and they discussed whether you should pay rent… it sounds like your BF thinks that, otherwise he would have shut it down and not even share it with you.
Why are you blaming the “roommate” exactly?
They have 2 apartments one on top of the other. Don’t they have individual leases? I don’t think they have 1 rental agreement for the whole house. They are separate apartments.
Their relationship sounds very codependent. You can’t change that. The best you could do is very gently suggest it when she has one of her emergencies.
How about him going over to your place instead?
Also, your description made me think they’re not really roommates, it’s more like, neighbors. But if the owner of the building (whomever it is) treated the duplex like one property…I suppose they can be technically a ‘roommate.’ Do they share utility bills?
ETA:
From the look of it, there are different possibilities:
1. She actually said all this to your bf because it’s truly a roommate situation for her: perhaps your 2-3 nights stay caused her distress due to noise, smell (if you guys are cooking dinner together), and she also noted the increase of utility bills (water/sewer/electric/garbage/whatever).
2. She’s just saying this to make you be uncomfortable to come more often because she thinks you’re encroaching in her comfortable space. Your bf is her comfortable space, btw.
3. Your bf actually is the one who’s noticing the increase of bills and he thinks that you should probably ‘pay your share’ as you stay 2-3 nights every week, or 1/4 out of a week, per se–but to not get you too upset, he’s using his roommate as an excuse because the likelihood is, you’re not going to march upstairs and confront her. Before you claim, no, this is impossible, he earns so much more than me, and he’s the one who invites me, etc etc–I’ve seen enough reddit posts through the years–similar to this one, and yeah, the partners who earn more usually are the ones asking for the lesser earning partners to contribute financially for their guest visits although they’re not even living together. Hecc, there’s one like that only a couple weeks ago, in fact…
All of them are possible scenarios, but all of them also means that your bf kind of agrees with what his “roommate” decides though. Because he brings it up to you. So he does like to see you pay some $$ to stay over the nights although he’s the person issuing the invites.
If not, he won’t be telling you indirectly to start paying your dues or stop coming so often. He’ll talk to his roommate himself and tell her that no you’re not paying and that you’ll keep coming over. He may tell you the aftermath of that conversation but he will be very clear when he’s telling you that he’s not asking you to contribute, and once this happens, I also would think that he’ll limit his closeness and codependency with the “roommate bestie.” And he’ll take a step further to find another housing if the roommate tries to give you grief.
But the latter is not happening. So my point is, your bf takes his roommate’s side on this issue. Tread as you wish, OP.
Since they don’t even share the same living space, you would have no effect on her portion of rent, only his. Seems more like a him idea than a her idea. Or maybe they concocted it together to lower both of their payments, but either way, I don’t see it being solely her.
You are saying they don’t share common areas? Are the utility bills combined?
The way you describe the living situation is more like neighbors. In which case, why would your boyfriend care about what his neighbor thought of you staying over so often? Unless he actually agreed and wanted to put the blame on someone else. How are the utilities split? If they share utilities you absolutely SHOULD be chipping in to pay for how often you are there, or your boyfriend should pay a larger portion to cover for the extra utilities in use due to your presence. I feel like there is missing info here. I know everyone wants to jump to the conclusion that the friend is madly in love with him, but maybe she just wants you to pay your fair share. Nothing wrong with that.
Seems time to sit him down and have a conversation.
“BF I have some concerns I need addressed. You mentioned that friend doesn’t want me here and actually had me leave to make her more comfortable. Yet, you are not roommates so I don’t understand why she would dictate who is in your home? Is this really a her concern or were you just wanting space? In addition to that, it seems that often when we have plans she seems to magically have a crisis that pulls you away. If we are planning to move in together, I don’t want her opinions weighing in on what we do in our home. That should just be between us. I’d also like some boundaries about when plans with me get dropped because of her.”
Also, if he’s willing, consider couples counseling to layout reasonable boundaries between your relationship and her. He doesn’t have to drop her for you, but he does have to have boundaries and prioritize you if there is a long term future.
I’m curious, when you talk about living together, does he intend for you to live with her right there? How is that supposed to work?
Yeah seems like he’s trying to encourage you to leave now just saying it indirectly.
I wouldn’t even bother with this anymore. He’s not the type of person that you can have a lifelong relationship with and see it progress naturally down normal paths.
I don’t think the roommate is being particularly unreasonable, and honestly roommates moving their partners in part time is one of the biggest frustrations that people have when sharing a living space.
3 days a week over weekends is a long time. You may see it as a minority of the time, but you have to remember you don’t live there, you are a guest. Not only that but you are a guest of both your partner and his roommate.
If you want to spend more time with your partner then you need to move in together.
Why don’t you explain their rental / utilities / expenses situation here. Advice cannot be given based on non-critical information. It’s the money that matters because it’s clearly not a “she’s too much in *my* space” scenario where common areas are shared. So what’s up?
Ask him directly if he wants you to pay rent. If he doesn’t, then you have to decide if you’d rather keep going there while apparently annoying his roommate with your presence or find some other arrangement where he comes to stay with you instead, or break up.
I actually don’t think it’s wrong to ask for support towards rent if you are staying over a lot and using the utilities. Three nights a week is nearly half a week so if you are showering there and using the kitchen I and sleeping over i can see where the room mate would ask for money.
Could you not alternate where you sleep over? Can he come to your flat too? Alternate weekends?
I think the conversation could have been a bit more mature and not sprung on you the way it was.
“Now before anyone starts, there is no jealousy here.”
There is. There absolutely is. Maybe not in a ‘I wanna banh him’ way, but in a ‘she’s taking my best friend/crutch/support animal’ kinda way.
Sounds like he’s in a codependent relationship and even if there’s no romance between them, there are deep feelings and he puts her first.
Long story short, he is not emotionally available for a relationship right now, and he’s stringing you along.
I have a feeling it’s the boyfriend that doesn’t want you around as much. Based off your other post you already had an issue where you have separation anxiety with him and didn’t like how he reacted. Maybe you need to cool it a little?
She’s not his roommate. They don’t live together.
Your boyfriend kicked you out of his house and brought up rent, on the word of his Neighbour. That’s all she is. A neighbour and a friend.
Sit him down and straight up ask what up. Does he want more alone time, does he want you to move in, is the neighbour talking shit about you. There’s a lot that could be going on. You need to clear the air.
You could text them both together in a group and say “to solve the rent issue, I won’t be staying the night. Boyfriend can stay at my place for overnights until we decide where this relationship is going.” Blow it up. See what happens. He’s asking you to pay rent, which sorry, no. Not unless I LIVE somewhere with my name on the lease. Does he want you to move in permanently? Blow it up.
I’d stop going over there, but I’m petty like that.
Info: do they share utilities? Does she own the property and he rents from her? Do you take parking space meant for residents or use communal appliances? How do you know she is the one that wants you to pay rent? So many questions that need answering before judgement can be made.
So stop going over there. If this truly is the girl requesting you not come over and your bf is actually bringing it up to you , then he’s not worth it.
I’m sorry but if his house is totally separated and she doesn’t even see you in the house then why does she get a say in who he has over? Did he sign anything in the beginning allowing her say over who comes to his apartment?
She doesn’t want you there because she has a things for your man, and he is allowing this to continue.
Id tell him you both are grown ups and having this sort of problem is extremely off putting. All the sudden some girl is telling me when I can sleep at my bfs apartment? No. Absolutely not. And he’s putting her before you.
She definitely is jealous. She clearly feels some sort of possessiveness over your BF or has feelings for him beyond being just best friends. Shes putting far too much importance onto just one person in her life, that’s unhealthy. Their relationship dynamic seems more like she “needs” him and he sees her as a friend.
How did your BF respond to her? If their living situation is that separate then I don’t think its really any of her business who he has over. If the space was shared and she said this it would be a bit different. But with everything so separate she really has no right to tell him who he can and can’t have over or for how long.
I lived on a duplex for 3 years…… never met my neighbors. I didn’t know who they had over, how often, or who paid rent.
Why? Because it’s their home to do with what they want, even if it’s below mine.
Hi, it’s not “non traditional roomates”. They aren’t roommates. They’re just neighbors. And very, very codependent weird ones.
But they aren’t even roommates?? Sounds like a neighbor to me. Everything is separated. Makes no sense to me.
I’m extremely confused why she would have a say on your boyfriend’s guest in a duplex with separate living areas. They are not roommates. They are neighbors. This is a red flag. Your boyfriend is prioritizing his neighbor/best friend’s feelings of possessiveness over your feelings. This would be a deal breaker.
Perhaps she isn’t jealous of you because she wants your bf, but she might be jealous he has someone special and she doesn’t?
I don’t think she really has any pull here since it’s separate living quarters though. Maybe you guys are loud and it’s annoying to her?
Could be that she has actually been a “FWB” to him all along, and now with you being in the picture, she’s pressuring him for more and he is trying to “juggle” the situation.