Hello! So I’m in my early 20s and am a little new to sex, but want to make sure I’m not treating anyone inappropriately.
I met someone off of tinder and we sort of had a one night stand the other day. Even though the plan was just to cuddle and watch a movie, we both had two drinks before but it seemed we both were pretty sober (it was about 4 hours after drinking before anything happened).
We were wrapped around each other cuddling, and she kept pressing against my crotch area and telling me I smelled good and such which felt like a sign. I kissed her forehead twice, then wholesomely apologized for stealing kisses. She said it’s fine, then kept rubbing her face against my cheek and neck.
I asked if I can kiss her neck, and she said I’m already stealing kisses so go ahead. I did, and she kept saying “F\*\*\*” like she liked it. I removed my shirt but had a tangtop underneath and she joked I was a tease for keeping clothes on. She said she should remove hers too to be even and just got down to her underwear.
We kissed some more, and without getting too graphic, I then went down on her then she asked to 69, and then told me it’s okay if I finish while she was going down on me. I ask if sh’s sure about that and she said “Yes, give it to me.” Then she left because she said she didn’t pack for a sleepover cause she thought we’d just be cuddling.
After she left, I started feeling weird that I didn’t ask directly if I could go down on her, even though everything seemed clear and consenting in the moment. But I feel there’s a line between kissing and oral sex, and have been feeling guilty that I didn’t ask.
As someone a little new to this, is it wrong to not ask directly when crossing that line? Or am I overthinking it when it seemed clear both parties were very in tune?
12 comments
Generally speaking, yes – always get consent… but that consent is sometimes non-verbal when moving through the paces, consensually… she seemed equally interested and eager – but that’s a question better directed towards her… have you talked since? If so, what was her mood and attitude about what happened?
It is possible to read someone’s body language and behavior etc. and to ascertain nonverbal consent that way, but it is much harder to do this accurately with a partner you don’t know as well/don’t have as much experience with, so it’s best to verbally ask for consent if you’re at all unsure.
From a legal perspective, every engagement of any degree, should require consent. If you are concerned about consent, this is the ONLY way to do things. Otherwise you run the risk of putting yourself in a situation that makes you legally liable for something you didn’t do, and this is why men are weird about sex nowadays. Because WE ARE THE ONES held legally liable for 99.9% of all sexual situations that take place. I personally have had a woman come on to me, and several weeks after the fact, tried to tell me that I TOOK ADVANTAGE of her in the situation, despite my repeated refute. Consent and it’s implications within the media and the public realm, have honestly ruined what could’ve been, so many times. Because I cannot take that risk. I have so many other positive things going for me, that I cannot let a woman jeopardize it, and will not interact with 99.9% of women as a result. But voicing this perspective labels me as a rapists and a scumbag that degrades and rapes women. It’s absolutely wrong and disgusting and had ruined my dating life as a result. Consent is 100% necessary and required, implicitly, in ever situation you are involved in, because it could turn legal at the drop of a hat. DO NOT TRUST THEM.
Absolutely! Consent is Sexy and makes sex Sexier!
> Should consent be required for every act of sex?
Of course. Sex without consent is rape.
But the form of that consent does _not_, despite what some people tell you, have to be written and signed by the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
All that is legally or morally required of you is that you be reasonably certain your partner is, in fact, consenting.
It sounds like you’re overthinking it. Consent is crucial, but asking for it over and over about every little thing sounds like overkill and a mood-ruiner. In the case of going from kissing to eating her out, I think a pause to look up at her and see if there’s anything other than lust and anticipation on her face would be enough.
As important as consent is, I think people also have a responsibility to give a clear sign if something is happening that they don’t want.
Yes!!! Except in the rare occasions when it’s something like femdom.
Did Alexander The Great ask for every hector he took?!? Did Attila The Hun??? 🤔🤣
…well, like others have said, you absolutely SHOULD seek consent – lol
But likewise, most communication is non-verbal and if you are one who is adept at picking up on cues (following her lead, responding to her appreciative gestures or audible sounds…), you can also gain consent without having to straight out ask every time.
You can also state your intentions as a way of asking: “God… I really want to ____(kiss you)__ right now!” as another way to ensure you are on the same page by waiting for her nod or vocal go-ahead.
The fact you are thinking of this and seeking advice puts you ahead of many!
GL OP!
Yes, absolutely you should, unless she gives you free use approval always ask for consent.
When you are hooking-up you should ask consent on everything because you don’t know that person as much as you would know your partner. In a relationship, consent is expressed with other forms, like body language or a commitment to provide it all the time. With strangers you have to be careful. Hooking-up sucks!
You did nothing wrong. Be considerate and listen and feel.
Clearly if she says yes go do it. Or is responding positively, keep doing what you are doing
If you move onto something new, and she is relaxed and moving into it, that is implied consent. But you must be listening as well, if she says no, stop. Explicit consent is great, but it doesn’t always happen for every new step.
There is nothing wrong with explicitly asking at each step, but she may respond with some statements herself, as in, just continue and stop asking alrwsdy.
Since youre clearly inexperienced, erroring on the side of slow and deliberate is best.
Consent is vital, and my husband knows all my cues. I could be just enjoying the moment for what it is and not want to take it further., I feel that as a woman we can be vocal and say no when we don’t want it to go further.
I think you did the right thing though as far as first dates:) just remember to have an open line of communication regardless of if it ruins the moment.