First real issue, can it get better?

43 comments

1. This is an absolutely the fuck not for me. Why would you waste your time in a relationship where you have to change yourself in order for them to be attracted to you and you’re always going to be concerned about whether or not you’re at the perfect weight for this guy to continue being attracted to you, when you could just…. be in a relationship with someone who accepts you the way you are right now?

   Your body is going to change over time. Find someone else who won’t be nitpicking over 20 pounds.

2. For me, absolute no. I grew up with a lot of pressure about weight and body issues. There’s no way I would let a guy exacerbate this and tie weight into my self-worth.

   Also, throughout life our appearance will change. I hope to have the kind of love where we can unselfconsciously grow old together. Looks fade.

3. This is an absolute no from me. We aren’t going to be lean and hot forever and I wouldn’t want to hinge my self worth on someone else’s opinion of my body type. I couldn’t even physically bring myself to have sex with someone knowing they are looking at me thinking I’d be better skinnier/thicker.

4. As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight (80lbs) and still has some to go and is generally in favor of any one losing weight for any reason they want to this would be a huge no from me. I often get overwhelmed and take maintenance breaks, going 4 months without losing is seriously no big deal in the grand scheme of life. And I don’t think it’s healthy to rush that process as an act of achieving validation. And I don’t believe love should have a price of admission.

   I know you said you asked him the question and he was just being honest answering you. I think this is a difficult topic and I don’t necessarily fault him for being honest about it. I’m really more concerned about if you actually want to date this person or if you just want his approval?

   As a recovering validation seeker myself this reads as that from a mile away.

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6. This is a hell no. You say it’s the first real issue, but you previously ended things with him after two weeks of dating. So it’s not the first real issue.

   Look, bodies change over time, with age, etc. That is normal. Weight often fluctuates. What if you ended up married to this man, had a child, and struggles to get back to your pre-baby body? People end up with all kinds of medical issues, too, that can impact weight. If your relationship is dependent on your weight, it’s going to be hell.

   20 pounds, especially, is not enough to be an issue, imo. You are setting yourself up for constant anxiety, and potentially an eating disorder, if you stay south someone who has told you this.

   Drop him.

7. Honestly, this sounds unhealthy on both of your ends. I think his expectations for attraction are unrealistic in the long term, and I hope you’re working on your body image issues. People’s bodies change. Other women who are his type might gain weight due to medical issues, stress, pregnancy if they want kids, just because they want to, etc. It’s great that you want to be fitter, but if you’re average height, you’re only slightly overweight at most (and that really depends on muscle tone, too). This sounds like something I would do when I was younger and more insecure just a few years ago. You deserve someone who will love you regardless of your body shape, and you deserve to be happy with yourself at any size (while aiming to get into a healthy range) and not question whether your body is lovable.

8. You deserve better. Imagine being with this guy for the rest of your life always worried you if gained a few to many pounds and he will leave.

9. 32M here. He should like you for you. By the time you’re in your 30s you shouldn’t have to be contending with that body image BS. Even if you lose the 20 lbs, you’ll only put it on again eventually. Body weight fluctuates and the next time you put on 5 or 10 lbs you’ll get unhealthily unsettled because you’ll be scared he is less attracted to you with every pound you gain. It’s an imbalance of power. It’d be like if you told him you were only attracted to him if he kept his body hairless which forced him to go get his body completely waxed every week. It’s a toxic requirement. You can do much better by finding someone who isn’t that shallow.

10. Nope. No. Absolutely not a chance in hell.

    Why would you ever want to be with someone who doesn’t think the absolute world of you just as you are? (This is NOT to say that partners shouldn’t hold each other accountable to things or help/motivate their partners to make positive changes)

    I’ve lost 35lbs this year with about 70 to go, and I know I will look awesome when I’m done, but I’m pretty fucking fab right now too and if someone doesn’t see that then they do not get access to my heart or my body. No way.

11. I’m trying to imagine how this relationship is going to work longterm… like, if you decide to veg on the couch for a weekend, or eat a slice of cake at Christmas, is he going to be disapproving? Are you going to constantly live under the threat of him leaving if you gain a few pounds? How much will you be “allowed” to fluctuate before he starts pulling back?

    I’m glad that you find it motivating right now, but I wonder if you will start to resent it. I also wonder how this will impact your self esteem and self worth– to be with someone who only finds you “good enough” at a specific weight.

    Annnnd not to keep piling on, but I don’t think men always have realistic ideas about what Xlbs looks like on a woman’s body… what if you lose 20 and hes still not attracted to you? Or what if it turns out it wasn’t actually the issue the whole time?

    I think there are a lot of ways an S.O. can encourage you on a weight loss journey. I don’t think threatening to leave/withholding affection is a method that will lead to longterm happiness.

12. First of all, hell no. A partner is someone who will love you through life’s changes and this guy is clear he won’t. What if you gain pregnancy weight? What if you get an illness where you can’t work out regularly? What if you just decide you want to eat dessert again? No.

    Second, he doesn’t sound super interested anyway. My guess is he wouldn’t be interested even if you did lose 20 pounds.

    Find someone who is excited to be with you as you are and as you will be.

13. The idea of being in a relationship where I’m always worried about even the most basic weight fluctuations (like, 20 pounds is the difference between him wanting to be with me and not? dude I gain like 7 just around my period alone) sounds so awful to me. But that aside, just something about your overall framing here, like saying it’s the only real issue you’ve had so far and do we think this can fix things between you, is sort of troubling because it sounds like deeper self-esteem issues.

    I do kind of get the motivation factor, though. Like, yeah, my real goals are health related but damn, for better or worse, some days that idea of being hotter is the only thing that can get me up to work out and having a crush or something can make that more real. But I really don’t think it’s healthy to attach that to a specific person that you’re directly trying to win over. Because you can’t win someone’s love and affection by altering pieces of yourself, and the second you start down that road, you’ve already lost.

14. So two things here.

    Congrats on your journey! Keep it up!

    But like, do that FOR YOU. NEVER EVER put that in the hands of someone else.

    And the way he’s phrased it? He’s on the fence for other reasons as well. So you aren’t a match.

    So turn him lose to find his happy, and then go find yours! You deserve someone who likes you for how you are now. Even if you’re in the middle of a health journey.

15. If anyone I was dating were to tell me to slim down or lose some weight I’d waddle my fat happy ass right on out of the door. And probably get some tacos. Come on! Read what you just wrote. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly worried your partner will leave if you gain 5lbs or eat too much ice cream or your boobs sag. This whole situation is a hard no. You need to kick his fit attitude to the curb and find someone deserving of you

16. No. One of my good friends dated a guy who was like this. He kept “encouraging” her to be fit and lose weight, then every once in a while grab her belly and would “sweetly” make fun of her belly fat to “motivate” her. And then he would withhold sex whenever he felt she was gaining weight.

    If you’re looking for a long term relationship, and possibly wanting to have kids- what’s he going to do once you’re pregnant and your body changes? Cut your losses and get out before you waste any more time on this guy. Move on to the next one!

17. I will get downvoted for this, but I don’t see wanting to get in shape to better your dating prospects to be a huge issue. However, do not go on some unhealthy, starvation or crash diet for anyone. If you want to take steps to live a healthier lifestyle, that’s great. If someone wants to support you, that’d great too. If you want to lose weight to feel more comfortable, do it.

    I’m a little surprised by the strong negative reactions here. Tons of other posts on the forum revolve around people not settling, not dating people who they aren’t attracted to, etc. And tons of other posts on here revolve around people prioritizing healthy lifestyles when picking partners, or being disappointed when someone shows up to a date heavier than their photos make them look, etc. Looks matter. And weight matters a lot for women (and frankly men, to some degree), as much as I wish it didn’t.

    My weight fluctuates by about 20 lbs. (For context, at my heaviest, I’m still a size small, maybe a medium in a few things. At my lightest, I’m an extra small.) When I’m at my lightest, I get a lot more attention from guys, and attention from better looking guys (both online and in person). It is what it is. I’ve just learned that if I want to date someone who’s also super lean, I need to be the fittest version of myself. All the people saying “looks don’t matter — find someone who likes you as you are!” aren’t really being realistic about the harsh realities of dating.

    That being said, it sounds like you just want to win this guy’s approval and not that you actually like the guy. You were the one who broke it off to begin with? Something strange seems to be going on here; more to your post. I’d tread carefully with this one. And I’d work on your comfort with who you are and what you offer other than your body.

18. If you think that weight loss and maintenance is comfortably sustainable for you, then go for it. If it’s not something you think you can do and be happy, then back out.

19. Is this the lawyer guy? How quickly things can change…just a post ago I was defending him.
    Never feel like you have to change for someone! I’m glad you’re working on yourself, but do it for YOU. The right one is going to love you the way you are.

20. A little bit mixed on this because I can’t figure out how you guys made it to a first date let alone a couple months of dating if he’s not that physically attracted to you.

    Anyway, having had a bit of experience with this from the male perspective I’ll add a few things to consider:

    * If you’ve worked a ton to get to 130 lbs in semi-optimal conditions it’s probably going to be pretty hard to maintain this weight. My ex-wife was 105 lbs when we met but I didn’t realise the crazyass diet/gym schedule behind the scenes. Unsustainable because as soon as life happened (she got promoted, we went on more dates, snacks at home) – she very quickly slingshotted the other way to 165 lbs. While that’s a very extreme example, if he only loves you < 130 lbs that sounds difficult to maintain because most people in happy relationships put on a bit of weight.
    * Self-esteem and confidence are often larger factors. As soon as it starts to permeate other parts of the relationship it becomes very noticeable. I remember getting really frustrated at my ex-wife who would avoid photos or hide behind other people in photos because she felt unattractive. Also meant she wasn’t comfortable going to a pool, beach, and it’d impact things like intimacy (as you’ve gotta be naked for that).

21. Even if you guys CAN get past this, he’s already shown his hand. And his hand is saying “I’m shallow.” Say you lose those last pounds, right? Say you’ve fully won him over. Except now you’d have to continue to “earn” his affections by continuing to look a certain way. Now you must maintain. God forbid something out of your control happens down the line and you put some pounds back. Now you gotta worry about him walking out the door? Hell no to that.

    More power to you if you want to continue to live your life that way, but personally I’d want my worth to a man to be far MORE than what I look like. I would hate knowing that if I put on some pounds, then now I gotta deal with my man walking out on me because he can’t deal. No. Weight can fluctuate over your life. You (and he, for that matter) are gonna get older too. Challenges are gonna happen.

    I won’t even bother with this guy. Find someone who values you for YOU. Lose your weight, get fit, reach that last milestone, but do it for YOU and not for some guy who can’t value you beyond your looks.

22. This has bad situation written all over it. He seemed really into and now all the sudden seems to be pulling away. And the reason he gives is your weight?! The weight that you’ve been at since he met you!

    Your weight didn’t change but his behavior did!

    If you keep seeing him look for a pattern of being really into you for a period and then pulling away for a period. And each time he pulls away, it’ll be something that’s your fault. Beware of him pushing you towards a very calorie restricted diet (especially one he doesn’t follow himself) and lots of cardio.

23. I don’t really understand this. Honestly, I don’t think the weight is the issue. I think the issue is that you broke up with him prematurely and he still feels some type of way about it. He is focusing on weight b/c you broke up with him prematurely. You still should lose the 20 pounds to feel better and that’s what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with him being attracted to slimmer girls. However, I don’t think that’s really think its the weight. Also it might because he was really into you at the beginning so when he’s pulling away or matching your energy (hate that phrase) you feel a type of way. My guess is you broke up with him before, he got back together with you (he wouldn’t have if he thought you were unattractive). He doesn’t want to be burned again. So he’s pulling back and he like slimmer women more. but losing weight won’t fix this.

24. People’s looks change. Let’s say you were at the best of how you can possibly look, what happens when you grow old? Or gain weight again? You apparently have a problem with your body image already, he’s only going to make it worse. This is a bad idea.

25. 150 pounds is a great weight… its not too heavy, it’s not too skinny. How tall are you? I can’t imagine anyone thinking 150 is too thick.

26. This ain’t it. Lose this guy.

27. Because you just met and, in the beginning, things rely on a lot upon superficial aspects, maybe that would help him to feel more connected to you and move things forward. MAYBE.

    Anedoctally, I am slim, almost underweight. That’s my natural healthy weight, since I have a hard time gaining weight. I get tons of compliments on my body (which is fucked up), so I think that’s part of what influences me getting a lot of dates that evolve into short-term situationships.

    But those short-term relationships never move forward. Those people get so interested in the superficial aspects that it takes a while for them to realize that there are other incompatibilities. Thankfully I’m getting better at recognizing when someone is not really interested on me as a person.

    All that to say, it’s not your weight that will hold that relationship together. But I believe you already know that.

28. Girl, no. No, no, no, and no. And also, no.

    When someone say you aren’t their type, you don’t go into overdrive trying to make yourself their type. You tell them, “Well looks like I’m your type now!” or you walk away.

    I cannot even fathom how 20 lbs changes how someone feels about a person they like.

    If he prefers slimmer women he can go find himself a slim woman. Instead he’s happy to keep you at arm’s length until you slim down. He’s okay with you being under that kind of pressure?

    Girl no. I was in something like this when I was 23. I was actively losing weight when he met me and even though I lost 20 lbs or so in the 10 months we dated, it was never enough. He would watch what I ate like a hawk, take food from me, and make little jokes about me doing coke to slim down. Eff all that.

    If he’s telling you he would like you more or want to be closer if you lost weight he. is. just. not. that. into. you.

    And no matter if you were already doing it, you have opened the pandora’s box for him to think it’s okay to weigh in on your weight. He also has the message that you are desperate for him to like you more so you will work out harder and diet stricter. How can he ever respect you?

    No, no, no, no. This is a terrible way to start a relationship and no matter how nicely he said it, he should have let you go instead of putting into your head that he would like you better if you were more his type. Is he your type??

    Does your dream man really pull away because your weight loss plan is a bit stagnant? Ewww. Mine doesn’t. My dream man says, “I love your curvy body but if you want to workout and eat healthier I’m here to support you. If you want a workout buddy I would be happy to join you, if you don’t mind me checking you out in yoga pants!” (This is almost a direct quote from a man I dated and several others. This the correct answer!)

    You can and should do better.

29. Yes and no. From a guys perspective- he is not really into you. But I would say yes to be healthier and attractive for the next guy.

30. I’m going to go against the grain a little on this one…

    Here’s the thing, if all of this happened in an unspoken vacuum (you perceived it’s a leanness thing, you got to your goal weight, he found you more attractive and then pursued you), then I wouldn’t see an issue with it. After all, glow ups are a “thing,” and attraction does come down—in part—to how well we take care of ourselves. “He should love you for you right now!” doesn’t quite ring true to me.

    The problem is it’s been spoken and a weird dynamic has taken place. He’s said “you must do X for me to feel Y,” and you’ve sort of entered a covert contract to see that through. It forges a really weird precedent where he seemingly holds your feelings hostage based on how you make him feel… and that’s a problem to me.

    Concerning the “what if you put weight back on?” questions… I don’t actually think it’s the issue some are laying it out to be. When we *first* fall in love with someone, our attractions are largely superficial, based on “the spark,” and reactionary. It’s how we’re wired. But in time that initial chemistry *evolves* into deeper, more profound love that cares *less* about looks and what have you, and into something more long-standing and resilient to changes like aging, weight gain, etc. Deeper love trumps initial attraction every time, that’s why people are capable of resisting new temptations and affairs with attractive options, because the power of the deeper, more profound love and history with their current partner beats out any new “opportunity.”

    For example, one of my best friends had to eventually emancipate himself from his parents because they were so toxic and unsupportive of his relationship with his (now) wife. Imagine if on the first date she came up to him and said “You have to choose between me, or your parents. What’s it gonna be?” No brainer, he’d choose parents. But with time and love, he came to bond with his girlfriend, and his parents’ actions became increasingly high-friction, until it reached a boiling point and he made the difficult choice of choosing his partner *over* them. Point is: Our loyalties to our partner change over time.

    ———

    So in summary: I don’t think it’s bad/wrong to seek a change in behavior or attraction from someone if you “glow up” (weight loss included). I don’t even think it’s wrong/bad if that is the jumping off point to a new relationship, *provided* it then grows deeper and more profound, and this guy is the type to *eventually* go through thick and thin with you.

    The problem arises that this is all aired out in some kind of detailed expectations setting. It sets up a future where he can withhold affection if you aren’t doing/being what he wants you to. Be **very** careful about that. Be careful about what efforts you’re taking to lose the weight (e.g. eating disorders, dysmorphia, etc.), and be extra careful that it doesn’t lend itself to some kind of toxic relationship precedent where he holds his affection at the mercy of how you look/what you do for him.

31. I get you saying he isn’t shallow. But if he told you that is pulling back because of how you look or because you’re not at your goal yet. Whether you said it nicely or not. Is that really a person you want to be with? What happens if you have kids and you gain weight?

32. Like you said you should do this anyway primarily for your health. Also you will look and feel much better this is always a positive. Will this guy fall in love seeing how committed you are, maybe. Does he have a certain type he is attracted to which will take you a lot of work for you to get to, probably. I say give it a shot, whats the worst that can happen. I always strive to be better for my partner, if I was solo I would be a complete slob :))

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34. It’s great that you’re losing weight for you. It’s hard to do.

    What happens down the line and you happen to gain weight for whatever reason? Will he cheat? Leave you? People can have their preferences for sure, but something about this whole situation is a no for me.

35. The fact you entertained this guy is the real mystery. You do not need validation from him or anyone. Big congratulations on your weight loss and consistency.
    I urge you to really take a step back and re read what you wrote: ‘his feelings are stagnant because of my body and how i look’, he is ‘looking forward to my transformation’ , ‘although he finds me cute – he would feel much more if i slimmed down’. His attraction towards you is (seems like a decent amount) based on the physical – i.e making this likely a relationship based on superficial things = unstable foundation. You have worked so hard on yourself and bettering yourself physically ( and hopefully mentally) you are willing to let some guy have conditions to his attractiveness for you? Take the win ( cuz it wont be a loss ) and just focus on your health. There is someone out there for you who will like you for your insides/character – dont settle. What if you gain weight? Have kids? Fluctuate?? You already know its a ‘No’ – ask yourself why you are allowing this/making excuses plz.

36. Personally (34m),I think relationships need a sense of duty and selflessness from both parties to last. Based on how he’s handling this situation, I think he’s got neither a sense of duty nor selflessness and I would drop him. Better yet, lose the weight for yourself and drop him once you hit your weight goal.

37. Hahaha, the inadequacy is not in you, it’s in them. I did this carrot dangling monkey dance for 15 years for my parents, I was never enough for them. I was too fat, not too spontaneous, too dumb, too goofy, too short, too black for them. They never introduced me to social gatherings. Then I met my husband, he and his family treated me like I am the most beautiful, smart and tough person in the world, I gained weight, lost weight, I was goofy and all, and they not only embraced it from the very first go, they defended it for me, they just wanted to preserve me as if their survival depends on my original self. Because of them I became so confident in me. A person who loves you will keep you assured and make you more confident. Then I realized my parents did not have the ability to love, they just wanted to get social clout out of their kid’s back. I am all in for getting healthy, but I would not do it so that someone can give their conditional love to me- that’s not love to begin with. That person cannot love, they can pretend to love. And you are more than that 20 lb. Go with your first gut feeling about this guy.

38. There are probably dozens of guys who would like you for YOU. Stop wasting time with this bozo.

39. Fuck no. Leave this fool. Work on your body for yourself not for some fucktard who is too insecure to cut the ties

40. Drop your insecurities.

    He’s pulling back because he caught his catch. I recently went through this with someone younger. He put in much effort. I was hesitant. Somehow, we connected then I became way more into him. He started treating me really basic and I hit a serious low.

    He’s not ready for anything serious. Just cat and mouse games right now.

41. I don’t think getting “toned” is going to magically make him in love with you.
    It’s silly to even consider fitting yourself into this imaginary square he has put up (even though you want to lose the weight) because maintaining it when life throws curveballs at you is the real challenge.
    I’ve lost 20 lbs in a few weeks just off morning sickness and can’t imagine that being the difference between my spouse being attracted to me and not.
    You need some self confidence and ditch the loser. He’s probably trying to project insecurities onto you because you hurt him.

42. WHAT?!?! So you can only be with him if you lose 20 pounds? RUN.

    Just a reminder you are 32 and every year gets harder and harder to lose weight. Over the course of life, your body will change. Maybe a lot. This guy is NOT the guy for you. And stated nicely or not, Jesus Christ.

43. Physical attraction between 2 people is the bare minimum for pursuing a healthy romantic relationship. Ditch him ASAP!