Second marriage. Wife is becoming more and more impulsive, reactive, manipulative, and controlling. She has started targeting my oldest son from my first marriage where I’ve had to intervene.
I’ve been emailing back and forth with our marriage counselor through church who is really good in not getting caught up in the minutiae but is focusing on trying to give us some conflict resolution skills. We haven’t been able to progress towards the meat and potatoes as we have had to establish some ground rules for fighting.
She is 34 weeks pregnant so I’m wondering if this is affecting her, as we have had nice stretches in our up and down 5 year marriage. This is our second marriage for both of us. She had no kids with her first husband.
Right now my focus has been putting things on the back burner to try to keep the peace. I’m letting a lot of things slide. The one thing I won’t let slide is her mistreating of my kids. She told my son he would grow up to be a horrible husband someday. He is 12 years old and super responsible and well behaved. His teachers often respond in conferences that he is a character leader in the entire class. My wife seems to “target” or “scapegoat” him which I have had to intervene to stop.
Last night was rough. She was acting crazy. I did have to leave the room last night while trying to sleep as she would shake me to wake me up for various reasons (I don’t like you facing in my direction, you are snoring, I decided that I’m going to ask someone else to go to our 4 year old sons weekend getaway so please don’t come, going and getting 1 y/o daughter and putting her on top of me). After 3:30 in the morning and not catching any bouts of sleep I told her I loved her but need to sleep so I headed to the basement.
I think this was a response to our counselor emailing both of us and citing some of the things that I am concerned about with what she is doing. Some examples include constantly feeling like myself and the older two kids are walking on egg shells; concerns that she inappropriately brings her family into conflicts; concerns with manipulation by how she uses ultimatums; and being upset with how she verbally escalates in front of the kids. I expressed some concern about going on an upcoming weekend trip for fear of her reaction to things that she gets upset about. The counselor said try to keep the peace, follow the ground rules agreed upon, and try to go on the trip. She now wants to take a friend and leave myself and the other 2 kids from my previous marriage at home. This was supposed to be a birthday trip for our 4 year old son.
I want to save the marriage, and she says she is not pursuing a divorce but wants us to be roommates for the sake of the kids. No romance, no shared decision making, etc. We have 2 together with 1 on the way. There are 2 more that are here half time from my previous marriage. I don’t see how this is sustainable and won’t go down a bad path. She also told our counselor that she won’t go to see him anymore together or at all with her reasoning being broad generalizations that my concerns about her are lies and then she slings mud in sweeping generalizations that cannot be backed up by specifics and are attempts to make herself look like a victim.
I don’t want another divorce, how should I proceed?
11 comments
>I want to save the marriage
Good god, why?
> The one thing I won’t let slide is her mistreating of my kids. She told my son he would grow up to be a horrible husband someday.
Your wife is emotionally abusing your kids.
Let me repeat that, for emphasis. Your wife, who you don’t want to divorce, is **emotionally abusing your kids**.
Your kids are going to look back on these moments when they get older and see that you chose their abuser over them. You chose to stick with someone who treats them as second-class citizens in their home, rather than with love and affection like the kids you had with her.
Wanting to live together as roommates, rather than romantic partners? And “no shared decision making”? So rather than being a team raising the kids you share, they end up in an environment where the two people can’t get on the same page regarding how they’re raised?
If she’s not willing to work on the relationship, the relationship is done. That’s her choice, but it’s the choice she’s making. You then have to step up and do what’s best for your kids and yourself. I’m going to be blunt with you, your kids all deserve better parenting all around. They deserve to be free from the abuse of your wife and from you, they deserve to have a parent that will stand up for them.
I think it’s time you take a good look of yourself and admit you’ve made some mistakes.
I don’t know about your situation, but a counselor won’t do shit if the other party aims down. Also both of you need to understand that the relationship depends on each of you. From what you’ve said so far I think accountability/responsibility for her actions is gibberish to her.
If I were in your place, I’d seriously ask myself wtf am I doing. Then appoint a meeting with a psychologist that won’t pat you on the head saying “you’re okay the way you are”.
This is a bad deal for you and the kids. Either you all work together to be a healthy, happy, functional family or she gets a divorce so at least your kids get a home free of abuse.
Your kids are gonna hate you SO much for forcing them to grow up in this toxic environment.
SO. Much.
So she’s had three pregnancies in four years? Is it possible her brain is reacting to that? I know I would be overwhelmed as all get out if I was 34 weeks pregnant and parenting a 1 year old, a 4 years old, and a 12 year old step son. She needs medical attention not a church counselor.
She’s done. I don’t know how things got this bad, but this behavior didn’t happen for no reason. I hear a lot of blaming, but I don’t hear you taking responsibility for any of your actions. Her behavior is not ok, but I do wonder how she got there.
But that’s beside the point right now. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and if she’s tapping out then it’s over. Staying married but being “roommates” is a little having your cake and eating it too; she can’t have it both ways. It’s totally reasonable for you to set a boundary here: “I do not want to be roommates, I want to be in a marriage. If you do not want to work on our marriage, I will not be able to live with you any longer and will be pursuing a divorce.”
I think your kids will blame you anyway for having forced them to live with this kind of psycho.
In addition, they’ll probably start to lose respect for you, seeing how passive their father is behaving in this, yet difficult, situation.
So, for God’s sake, fill for divorce! And wait to get married again or having other kids. You will need time to *just heal*.
Godspeed man!
Can you get a counsellor outside of church? You may need someone who has dealt with abusive situations.
Hold on for now but make the needed preparations. 34 weeks is a rough time and pregnancy can cause all sorts of physical/mental health issues, as can postpartum depression/psychosis. If she’s still feeling that way six months after the birth (provided that she does not have any postpartum issues), accept your fate and move on.
You have so many kids and she’s pregnant and taking care of all of these kids? And you’re upset that she irritable? Obviously it’s easy for you to judge this woman, but with all these kids and stressors on her, does she even get time off? Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like she resents having to take care of so much child rearing and there’s no easy solution right because these kids are already here. If you can afford it hire a nanny.