TL;DR!
Me and my long distance boyfriend have been having issues when it comes to arguments, they’re usually petty and neither of us come out of them happy and they have a huge strain on the relationship at the moment. us not being able to see each other also has a big impact, we have both made mistakes in the past in our relationship and we’re trying to work them out.
it was his birthday yesterday and he asked me to avoid talking about all the issues as it’s one of his favourite days and i ended up being the only person who ruined the day because i ended up talking about something i didn’t expect to turn into an argument.
everything else about us is good we get along very well but how do we get around this toxic part of our relationship? or do we end it?
me (F16) and my boyfriend (M17) have been in a long distance relationship for the past 2 and a half years. Obviously as every relationship is it was perfect at the start up until just over a year in when we started having occasional arguments like an couple does, it was nothing serious however the last few months have been very stressful and filled with anxiety. there were times where we would have an argument almost everyday, we both for some reason didn’t put any action in to changing it as they were always small things and usually didn’t effect the day and we would sort them out before the night ends. recently we have been getting into more heated arguments about various things. i feel like a lot of things have contributed to causing these arguments for example we both began to take each others love for granted without realising it and eventually stopped doing romantic things for each other and stopped having mini date nights the way we used to. we’ve both done things that have hurt the other but we’ve worked them out but for some reason the arguments just haven’t stopped, the last couple weeks they’ve calmed down as we’ve started putting effort in to mending our relationship, I’m scared we have gotten too far until being able to break out the cycle of the cycle completely, but i feel what i did today was unacceptable and i feel it may have ruined our relationship.
it was his birthday yesterday and he asked if i could avoid all the issues we’d been having so his day could be good (he didn’t say it specifically like this but it was the general idea) and the day started out perfectly and he was so happy i was so happy for him, i ended up annoying him slightly by bringing up something that had happened the previous day but we got over it and continued our day, later on in the day i asked if we could start to spend more time actually doing stuff together as we only spend around an hour or two together, a lot of the time we are just on a call because it’s nice to have the company even if there’s nothing there to say at the time so i just want to do stuff similar to when we first got together as well as have the company aspect. we ended up getting into a mini ‘argument’ for it and it ended with him saying that it would change but he’s said this before and nothing has changed so i said will anything actually change because it’s been said before and there’s been no change it ended up really annoying him and we had this back and forth if not complete arguing but there was definitely an annoyance. i hate when we go to sleep pissed at each other so i tried to at least solve what happened but it was too late and he said i was the only person who ruined his day which broke me i knew i had messed up but to hear that i had ruined one of his favourite days hurt so much. i ruined it by continuing on that last sentence and i just want to make it up to him but i can’t and i feel what i did was unacceptable
just as context he has not been perfect to me recently either, during arguments he has insulted me and said other hurtful things like he doesn’t care that i’m upset or having a panic attack. our relationship is currently toxic in context of the arguments but we’ve been trying to fix that part together we just don’t know how. a couple days he crossed a massive boundary for me, especially when trust is a huge part of any relationship and for a ldr it is a big part of the relationship. a couple days ago he was telling me something he had done, there is this girl he is not friends with but friendly with was being stalked through snapchat which i personally think is stange as she told him this guy didn’t know her in person and had no idea where she lived, my boyfriend pretended to be her boyfriend and sent this guy a picture of himself wearing her jacket with some caption insinuating that they were dating, he says it’s a joke which i believe but he has called me petty for this and even though he has apologised, i don’t feel like i can trust him as i feel pretty uncomfortable knowing he’s pretended to be in love with some girl when she could have blocked this guy as he had no way to get to her in person and my boyfriend knew this too. this has had a huge impact when we was doing so well with no arguments i feel we’ve just fallen back into the loop.
i have also not been anywhere close to perfect, i have an awful flaw of not being able to let things go when they’ve hurt me, i always feel tempted to bruh the issue back up and it ends up making things worse and the next time i have something i need to talk to him about i forget to try and resist the urge to do this. it’s something that has been causing a lot of issues and i hate myself for having this flaw as it’s ruining my relationship.
I’m worried that now because we didn’t fix the small issues these issues are too big to change. we have both done things that have hurt the relationship but we don’t know how to change it because of how long it’s been like this.
he’s currently not talking to me and doesn’t think he will at all today either because i ruined his birthday, i’m anxious i’m going to wake up to a break up message he said we could give it until the end of november but i don’t know if he will stick to it.
i am aware that we are both so young but i don’t want the relationship to end like this we both want to better ourselves
what should we do? do we attempt to fix everything or have we damaged the relationship too much?
i have missed out some parts of the story that don’t seem important so feel free to ask questions