My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been dating for a year and a half now. We met after the government lifted up all covid restrictions last year here in the Netherlands. In the first months of our relationship it was incredibly amazing he invites me everywhere, makes plans with me, introduced me to his family and friends. We go to parties together with his friends, we
drive somewhere, go to the lake, take a walk in the
forest etc. But after 6 months of dating he started to exclude me. He doesn’t invite me with his friends anymore neither plan to meet up. He was mostly partying and having fun without me, he encourages me to meet new people and do something I like (which is good) so I won’t feel alone whenever he is out. I am not
from NL, I’m an expat. I was the only one initiating our dates. I have been like this for months waiting when he is able to meet me during the week. Yet, I held on him.
Fast forward: August 2022 he realized that he is so behind in his life for his age. He doesn’t have a job nor money to spend anymore. He wants to improve his life for the better. So I supported him and lend him money like a thousand € to start fixing his life. Yes, I know! Some of you might say I am dumb maybe I am but I love him and I want to see him succeed because I believe in him. He doesn’t go to parties anymore maybe dinner
and drinks but just chill, he cut ties with his friends who are a bad influence for him, he’s studying his Masters, and is now in an internship class. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to see him getting his life back on track but him doing all those things – he can only spend one night a week together with me. One night because he is super busy a lot of things to do for his Masters and
internship class. Heaps of books to read! I already
talked to him if we could spend 2-nights/week like it doesn’t have to be long because I have work the next day from 9-6 and I just want to see him more than just once a week you know. Also, his friends and family doesn’t know that we are still dating. He said his family doesn’t want him to be in a relationship as it is a hindrance for fixing his life. So basically, I feel like im only a secret. But still I understand.
tl;dr Boyfriend said he can’t give me what I want for now and wants me to understand it as he is also struggling in every aspect of his life. He aasures me that he wants a future with me too and build a family someday. I understand him, I really really do but I am sad that I have to wait next week time and time again until I will see him again. I don’t know until when I have to wait until he finally treat me the way I deserve. I would appreciate all advice what is a good or best thing to do… I’m kinda struggling too
43 comments
I just don’t know why people put themselves in situations like this.
There are so many people in this world. Why are you wasting your time on this guy? You can find much better. 🤷♀️
your are hidden for a reason, hes probably busy with a real gf and you are his sugar mommy.
value yourself
Never lend anyone money.. ever
>Also, his friends and family doesn’t know that we are still dating
How did that happen? Did he tell them you two broke up? Is he telling them he’s single every time he sees them?
Sound like he’s just using you for money.
If he wanted a future with you, why is he lying to his friends and family about you?
He’s hiding you for a reason and using you. Don’t use it
Girl, please stop being naive and wake up. This guy is using the hell out of you. He doesn’t want a future with you. He will drop you the moment someone else comes along, I find it very hard to believe he hasn’t been seeing anyone else.
His family and friends don’t even know you’re dating, and his excuses are bullshit. He doesn’t invite you places, you only see him once a week, and he keeps you a secret. He’s not going to treat you the way you deserve because he doesn’t see you the way you see him. You’re just going to get yourself hurt holding out hope for this guy.
You’re only 24.. why put up with something like this? This dude isn’t even doing the bare minimum.
Leave. You deserve better than this man.
I hate to suggest this, but are you certain he’s not seeing someone else?
He’s hiding you for a reason and using you. Never lend money, ever
This sounds like my ex, and the reason why he never wanted to see me, or tell anyone we were dating, is that it limited his options. I realise that now.
I’m sorry to say that he probably does not view you as his girlfriend or partner. I’d make sure you get all that money back and save your time for someone who deserves you. You sound great and he’s just stringing you along.
If he’s a good guy, you need to leave this relationship bc he needs to focus on himself and school. He is not in a position to have a relationship right now. You letting him go would be a sign of your love to give him back his time and freedom to pursue his very important masters degree.
If he is a bad guy who is using you for money and the occasional sex, you need to end this for your own sake.
Either way, stop all communicating. Count the $1000 as an expensive lesson and move on. He’ll prob contact you when he’s horny. So you should block him.
But honestly, I think everyone on the outside can see clearly he is using you and not even a little bit interested in you as a human. He is trash bc he didn’t have the integrity to break up properly (prob cuz he doesn’t want to pay you back). If he keeps treating you poorly, you’ll just go away.
And that is what you should do.
P.s. there are great people out there looking for an honorable mate. He is not one, but you are.
>But still I understand.
Why?
This dude has basically broken up with you, he just hasn’t told *you* yet. He told everyone else.
All I read was the title and I already know u need to dump him.
The title alone is him saying he’s not gonna try with you at all, and he just expects you to deal with his bs.
Leave now.
Why is everyone hating on the guy, noone for a second actually stopped to consider that he is actually a good guy, that is trying to get his life together and doesnt want to deal with a obnoxius family pestering him about a relationship THEY dont think he should be in and doesnt want to go nc with his parents. For his so called “friends” i understand why he doesnt wanna say anything because they probably also just tease him or ask questions about getting together with a month old ex.
Ultimately its your choice op, i want you to know that even if literally every other comment says otherwise, i would give him a chance or have a more serious talk about it when you both are ready to have that convo.
> Some of you might say I am dumb maybe I am but I love him
You said it.
Even if he likes you, you are not even on the list of priorities for him. It is his education, internship, family. You’re not there.
He won’t or can’t give you what you want out of the relationship. It’s been this way for a while and shows no sign of changing any time soon. The best thing to do is to break up with him. If you want to leave a door open you can tell him to call you when/if he has time to build a life with you that includes his friends and family, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Frankly, it sounds like you’re the casual side piece to his real life, which may very well include an actual girlfriend or wife.
Don’t date potential, and don’t give potential large sums of money.
It sounds like you were love bombed in the beginning (look it up), paired with the sudden lack of affection and spent time together it’s just a recipe for disaster. Like others have said, you really need to weigh your situation and decide if this is something that you want. I personally would not stand it, especially when he can’t even give you mere hours of his time.
He’s told you this is all he’s able to give you. Your choice is to accept it or move on.
Time to break up. You shouldn’t have to settle with the back end of the deal.
This is not a him problem, it’s a YOU problem. Do some serious introspection and ask yourself why you are so willing to stick around to be treated poorly. He’s actively lying about your relationship to everyone who knows him and he’s showing you at every turn that you are not a priority. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat? Just break up with him, it will be better for you in the long run. The longer you wait the more it will hurt.
You are indeed a secret, sounds like you’re an easy fix for him when he wants sex honestly.
gurl you are being played.
the relationship already started to dwindle down at 6 months but you have hindsight to look back on things and recognize it now.
sometimes relationships end and this is what your bf wants now.
i’ve had cases where I enjoyed being with the girl and all, including the eventual idea of getting married, but what I wanted in the relationship isn’t following her timeline. Eg, she wants to marry within 1 year, I wasn’t quite ready to think about that within 1 year. So unfortunately, 2 people can still like each other and be wrong for each other.
The breakup doesn’t have to be because of cheating or lying or hostile actions…it could just be the relationship has run its course.
Op. I’m 27 and my bf is also. At 26 I went back for my masters and I’m about to start on my doctorate. My bf is in the process of going to therapy and improving himself and looking for a job that doesn’t drain his soul. We are both ‘behind’ in life. But we are happy. I work my butt off during the day and we play video games and watch movies at night. We live 3-4hrs apart and still find time for each other. If my day is to busy to hangout on discord or FaceTime with him then he understands and it goes both ways. He understands that once i get to my doctorate program I’ll basically be out of everything but school until I finish the classroom work and start on the practical portion of my degree, so 2 yrs.
point is: if he wanted to, he would. I want to despite my life being total chaos and so I do. Even if it’s just talking on the phone an hour at night. He comes to see me every month and I go to see him when I can. And again, we live 3-4hrs away from each other.
Either he’s living the single life when he’s not around you, dating etc, or he’s using you for support while he’s “fixing himself”. Then, when he feels he doesn’t need you, he can discard you quickly and easily, since as far as the rest of the people in his life know, you weren’t part of it. No muss, no fuss. He can block you and move on without worrying about it.
It’s absurd to tell someone “don’t worry, I’ll treat you well at some vague point in the future.” There are many dudes who will treat you well NOW. And not just mooch off of your money and affection.
The relationship is over. You are not happy and he’s just doing his thing. Time to move on.
So listen to him and dump him and get someone who will actually keep participating to make it an actual relationship
And how are you a hinderance to him getting his life back on track? YOU’RE THE REASON he’s doing it! My guess is that he told his family and friends that it was all him.
Having been in a similar situation- leave. “I love you and want you to be successful, but I need to consider my own needs, and right now this dynamic isn’t making me feel good.” If he’s willing to work with you, great! If not, it’s time to go.
So many people out there that would love you and respect you, yet you stick with the one that won’t even spend time with you aka the bare minimum.
For $1000, I’ll be your boyfriend. I like long walks too.
He has someone else or is open to finding someone else. He hasn’t made you a priority up to this point and he won’t in the future either. He has isolated you in his life so he only gets the good parts with no responsibilities. This is going no where for you.
Your BF is single. Act accordingly.
Your situation sounds hard and pretty confusing. I think your answer lies in that your boyfriend can’t give you what you want/ need right now. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Focus on what you want and need. If they cannot provide that, then it’s not a good match and you shouldn’t settle, especially when there are red flags of hiding the relationship from others. Life is short. You deserve more than this. Focus on you. Sending love.
He’s not into you. It doesn’t sound like he even likes you that much. He’s into you paying for stuff. But he doesn’t actually enjoy your company that much.
It’s in fact very likely you are his side chick and he has another girlfriend he takes home to his parents and hangs with his friends with. He keeps you around for money and sex. The one day a week he spends with you is the day he gives them some bullshit excuse about being busy with his job or studies.
It’s hard to let go of a guy who is charming but fake. It’s so tempting to buy into the facade and think that’s the real him and not the salesman. But it’s a performance, for an audience of one. A tiring one that he can only barely keep up at this point.
The honeymoon stage is over and now this is who he is. If you’re not happy with the real guy, maybe you should leave the relationship because he’s not making you happy, doesn’t care about your needs and is acting kinda shady hiding he’s with you from his friends
He’s telling you he’s not that interested in you. You should listen, and move on.
I read your post and comments. You are doing a lot of mental gymnastics to justify this relationship. I’ve done the same before and I can tell you that it’s not worth. You talk about how loyal you are in a relationship and can’t find anyone else attractive, want the best for him, etc etc. That’s nice but it’s clearly not how he feels about you. You are wasting your time, energy, and money to force a reality that is just not going to happen. If you’re the only one initiating dates and he’s hiding you, those are huge warning signs to get the fuck out! Crying even you finally push back about how shitty he is? That’s just to manipulate you! He’s just sad to lose the sex, devotion, and **money **. It’s clear that he doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s time to move on and find someone who will. Trust me, they’re out the. Thinking it’s impossible to love again is your brain being afraid to let go of something familiar. I’ve felt that before an eventual breakup many times. It always passed and I always move on to find better every single time until I found someone as devoted to me as I am to them. Save yourself from this bullshit.
Btw, I’m also Asian living in the West. Finding acceptance can be tricky. Many Westerners view Asian women in a very dehumanizing way. It makes navigating the dating world a nightmare.
Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t fully embrace you in their life.
If no one knows you two are still dating and you only see each other once a week and you have to beg for more, then it’s not a real relationship.
Believe me when I say you are wasting your youth and time on this guy.
I know it’s hard because you love him, but he does not love you enough.
And you deserve more than enough.
Let this one go.
I think he has it the wrong way around. He’s brought you to the lowest point of your life. I think it’s always helpful to add those two words: So far. The lowest point so far. How much lower will you let him drag you? Would it change anything if you knew he was seeing someone else?
The real question you need to grapple with is why you are drawn to someone like him. Because you will get free of him eventually, but you will be tempted to get into situations like this again in the future. The roots of this are in your childhood experiences. Only therapy will help you make sense of it.
He’s not that into you. You are a girlfriend out of convenience for him. You only hang out on his terms, with his rules. Trust me I’ve been there, was in a relationship for 3 years like
this. Seriously just leave now. Unless you want to continue being treated like shit and not a priority.