Hello guys. I am 21, M and I am single since birth. I never tried dating because I feel like no one is interested in me because I am different from other guys. My voice is feminine, my movements are too feminine, and I think/rationalize thing in a feminine way. Unlike other men who are sporty, cool, and have great circles of friends, I am the opposite. I don’t have any sports, my hobbies are reading books and listening to podcast, and I mostly have female friends. Also, I enjoy my time alone.
I don’t know how to initiate a conversation and socialize, in short, I am boring. And I feel like that people around me always gonna judge me for who I am that’s why I distant myself from them. Aside from that, I have hyperhydrosis(excessive sweating esp in my palms and face) which loses my self-confidence in talking and facing people. I have a lots of insecurities and the main thing is being feminine.
Need your help and advices. Thank you.
PS. Thank you so much for your help and advices. It change my perspective. I will gonna figure it all out and make a change. Grateful for all your comments and suggestions and I will bring those advices to life.
Here’s to a more positive and confident lifestyle!
46 comments
Are pretty cute!! My advice is be who you are instead of comparing yourself to others as I saw you doing here.
Almost no one fit on the society standards and even being that way is not a ticket to happiness. We all are different and feel attracted to different kind of people.
Related to the excessive sweat (there’s no harmful ways to fix it nowadays tho) but it’s more common than you would expect.
>I don’t know how to initiate a conversation and socialize
Of your entire post, this part is very likely the only real barrier you’re having.
I guarantee you there are many men that don’t care much for sports or traditional manly stuff either.
I think they’re super cute and wonderful! Also ‘boring’ is subjective, one person might think you’re boring but another might think you’re incredibly interesting and fun. Everyone’s opinions are different. Personally I think anyone who’s hobby is reading can’t be boring, and podcasts, for me it shows that you must be full of diverse and interesting knowledge!
Men who have mostly female friends is a green flag imo. Not many females are going to be close friends with a douchebag so I’d look at that as a good thing 🙂 and there is nothing wrong with alone time, it’s actually really healthy that you feel happy being alone as well. It shows that you don’t depend on people for your happiness, balance is key!
Regarding the hyperhydrosis, easier said than done but don’t worry about it. If it really feels like someone is being judgemental then I’d imagine they aren’t worth your time so their opinion means nothing, focus on the people who care about you and that you know don’t judge you or others 🙂
Mate, being different is how you GET girls. It’s your super power. Own it. Don’t overthink or focus on the whole “single” thing. You’re young. Your time will come.
Gentle, non-traditional men are golden currency on both the dating market and when creating meaningful friendships. I too have mostly women as my closest friends. Being of a more feminine bend is no shame, it’s a gift. When you eventually find a person you love, they’ll never have to doubt if you’ll remain by their side, nor do they have to fear you in your anger. You’re the one everyone feels SAFE with.
I would rather a ‘soft guy’ any day.
Gender is a spectrum that isn’t defined by the tone of your voice or the type of sport you are into.
Also you can get Botox to reduce the sweating, I would say you just need to work on talking to people and learning to love yourself exactly as you are, this won’t just benefit you when it comes to meeting people but your life in general.
Comparison will make you miserable.
You never know what other people are into or what they are thinking, try to be kind to yourself and start to focus on the things you like about yourself and go from there.
Only thing you’re lacking is confidence. Being different is cool. Being a standard mold is dull. I’m seeing a lot of bogus self-judgments in your post. Pay attention to everytime you write, talk, and think a negative judgment about who you are. Recognize that those judgements simply stem from your own silly insecurities and have nothing to do w/ reality. Once you kick that negative inner monologue, you’ll be in a much better place to meet a girl who likes you, because you’ll be able to project that you like you (which is an attractive force).
Boring? You’re into reading and podcasts and alone time, many girls I know, myself included are specifically into people like that, with depth and introspection. I’m very much like you, only female, and I overthink social situations too much as well. The problem isn’t that you’re undesirable, the problem is in your head, at least that’s how it is in my case. Sometimes I put so much pressure on me in social sitiations or with someone I like that they don’t get too see me. I become a caricature of myself and fail to be genuine me.
People that get to know me find it hard to undersrand why I struggle in that way cause I’m different with them.
To sum up you sound amazing and there are people out there who’d be perfect match for you so please don’t try to fit in and lose yourself. you only need to work on your self-esteem issues. Journaling might help, I’m actually considering therapy.
We love soft feminine boys 🥰
this honestly has nothing to do with the way you look or sound, it’s more about your lack of ability to socialize and your lack of confidence/self love. the reason why i think you lack a lot of confidence bc you think “oh nobody is going to like me bc i’m this or i’m x y and z ” when you haven’t really gave it a shot to begin with. i can assure you no one cares if ur short or boring it’s more about how you carry yourself and how you can communicate that and your intentions or interests with others.
like for example say youre talking to someone and u start sweating a lot you can honestly just let them kno about ur medical condition mid conversation. “sorry i promise i’m not nervous i just sweat very easily” and boom whatever thought/ponder they had about ur sweat disappears bc it’s answered
you don’t kno how to initiate conversation which is fine so like anything in this world you have to learn.
if you have friends and you talk to them everyday i think you know how to socialize or at least have a good understanding of how to talk. which is essentially people asking each other questions. this can be the structure/foundation of where you start to figure out how to start a conversation.
once you start you can talk/ ask questions about school, ur career, music, ur ambitions, etc
i think you should learn how to flirt bc i think it is one of the best socially acceptable ways to communicate your intentions.
another advice i have for you is that you can try dating apps like hinge. i’ll be honest i didn’t like it at first either but back when covid started i tried it and it was very successful for me. I got a few matches and went on afew dates and met my current girlfriend there.
in this environment of a dating app it is so much easier because everyone is there for one thing. and that is to find a significant other, a partner, or the love of their life. also since you can’t initiate conversation let people do that for you by creating a good dating profile. like ur selling urself. ur the product and ur presenting it to people on the app. best of luck sir
believe me, there’s girls out there who’re looking for a guy like you for a loong time. you just have to find them too and be yourself 🙂
The guy I like sounds a lot like you. I’m pretty much the opposite at this point in my life (in terms of amount of friends and hobbies) but there is something so unique in him & he’s not even my usual type. He’s also very confident in who he is and really intelligent and that helps a lot.
Many, many women appreciate a partner who sees femininity and feminine interests as good things. Women actually hate when their feminine or “soft” interests aren’t taken seriously by their male partners. If you can confidently tell a woman you will, in all seriousness, read her favorite books with her and share podcast recommendations, those are great ways to begin to share interests! I have a friend whose husband watches Real Housewives with her and who she can share her fancy skincare with, because he actually CARES about those “softer” things. He’s a great partner in that way!
As far as the sweating, you are likely more conscious of it than people around you. Just try to shower daily and keep up with laundry, people notice smells more than sweat. Good luck!
Well, I married one, we’ve been together for 12 years. He reads, he likes board games, he’s shy and also has sweaty palms, he’s very very anxious. But he’s also sweet, we can talk about everything, he’s funny in a respectful way, very calm, likes his time alone too, we watch movies together, or separated, we go to walk in the forest, we garden, we just chill in the couch with music and phone games. We share podcasts, sometimes we talk by discord because it’s calmer (I’m autistic). He doesn’t like sports aside from the occasional stuff we do together or exercising for himself. He’s a nerd, you could say.
He’s the best human I know. I admire him so much, I love him with all my heart, so yes, it’s possible to like soft guys.
PS: he was not able to start conversations at the beginning so I did, now he’s more relaxed about cuz he was able to practice with me.
You shouldn’t be insecure about a soft personality, that kind of demeanor is really ideal for many people out there and certainly attractive. Some women love a guy they’d want to keep safe so ya just talk more and don’t be afraid whether people are going to judge you or not, that’s the only way you’ll get to overcome your insecurity and meet more people 😀
My boyfriend sounds extremely similar to you, it’s crazy! He’s pretty feminine as well, and it threw me off a bit when we first met because I thought that he might be gay. For context, he has long hair and paints his nails, has mostly women friends and calls people “girl” lol. Nope, completely straight, he just doesn’t fit into a box for what a straight man should be. I think nowadays people are moving further and further from the norm and people are more accepting of differences. Just be yourself and someone will like you. In all honesty, I feel like a lot of women would prefer femininity over some super hypermasculine guy
Your strength is you are able to be interested in women outside of the traditional “hetero” dudebro social context.
It doesn’t have to mean “you go clothes shopping” with them. Women want to be taken seriously in their hobbies outside of that too but a LOT of women can’t find a guy who genuinely cares about their stuff.
Art. Writing. Fav show, Social topics they’re passionate about. Even career pursuits
Take an interest in potential partners beyond flirting and embrace who you are. See where it takes you.
Don’t change yourself OP. Being ‘soft’ guy is wonderful and not inferior to the “alpha males” (which is complete BS). There are girls who will like you as you are. I am sure because I identify with you and I have also found that girls can be interested in me. The thing that sets you back, it seems, is a lack of confidence. Learn to be confident in your own skin as a soft guy and you will attract girls much more. 😁
I enjoy reading books too and dislike sports, this didn’t stop me from having some success with girls. Don’t focus on yourself while you exchange with someone and you won’t be afraid of being boring, manifest your interest for the person you are talking to, listen to them. Hyperhidrosis sound rough tho, seems like there are treatments for this : https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hyperhidrosis/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20367173
If you manage to treat the symptoms this will probably boost your confidence trough the roof so if I were you I would focus on that first, and if nothing can be done about that then improve everything else you can.
Daily affirmations are a great way to recondition the brain. Simple things like, “I am confident, I am assertive, I am smiling and laughing more, ect.” I repeat them a couple times a day, usually with pushups or stretches.
Since you like to spend your free time reading and listening, that could be a good way to insert some self-development material; communication skills, relationship styles, ect.
The BDSM community has taught me an incredible amount of info about communication and relationships. A book I recommend is Polysecure, even if you’re not polyamorous. It dives into attachment theory and ways you can better know yourself and how to connect with others in various ways.
I wish you luck on your social journey.
My husband (M33), who I (F31) been with for 12 years and happily married to for 7, could have written this post. He shared your same insecurity about the feminine voice/mannerisms (people often think he’s gay, and boy is that not true) and he struggles with some other issues on a level with the sweating. I adore him and I feel like the luckiest lady in the world that we found each other. There are women out there that want a “macho guy,” but they are missing out. You offer something rare and wonderful. You’ll find a partner who sees that, and who sees and values you. Don’t settle for anyone that doesn’t embrace you for who you are!
Soft guys are goldmines to girls who are sensitive and heavily introverted. There are a lot of girls like that out there but they never leave their house so it would be hard to meet them offline probably lol
And don’t worry about how you come off or appear to other people! Every person has different things they like and when you meet the right people they will accept all of who you are.
>I don’t know how to initiate a conversation and socialize, in short, I am boring.
In this case. Its great that you’re boring. The best hack I’ve ever found for socializing is to ask the other person to talk about themselves. Take an interest inthings you notice about them. If its a company shirt, ask about the company. If its sports related, ask about their team. Be honest, “hey, I don’t get around to watching football much, how’s your team doing in the world cup (NFL, basketball, whatever)
People love to talk about themselves, and since you’re boring, it should be more natural for you to hold a conversation with the goal of learning someone else’s story.
Have you ever heard of a woman being insecure about having „manly“ hobbies? I don’t think so. You’re a walking greenflag, so don’t worry!
You sound like my dream boy 🥺 just be yourself and you will find someone who appreciate you for who you are
I see why that happens. I’m not into the macho-hyper masculine image either, but you may come across as gay especially in initial interactions.
Ask your women friends to set you up on dates!! You have the best resources right there which other dudes lack! I personally prefer artsy types too since i feel they have more depth? And those are my interests as well.
I would say start interacting and showing interest in women you like and come across (not as a friend) so it’s obvious that you seem interested. And dress like your male friends? One thing you need to work on is, being soft doesnt mean you’re a pushover. Work on your boundaries, you will come across women who might be al wrong for you. And boundaries show strength as well.
Like others stated here, those arent negatives. A lot of women do like soft guys since they are more considerate than regular dudes. Also, i would change this insecurity into an advantage . It’s attractive when whoever you are, you own it. Completely.
Also check r/askwomenadvice
When it comes to dating you’re in a better position than you think you are. Whatever pickup artists will tell you, you can’t just pick someone and make them like you. The most important thing, statistically, is being able to meet lots of people of the gender you’re attracted to (I’m assuming you’re straight here, but based on your post you seem at the very least interested in women. If I’m wrong I apologize, but simply disregard this paragraph and move on the the rest of my post)
Everybody has to work on themselves in one way or another, but trying to change who you are fundamentally as a person to attract a partner will only stress you out. Not to mention upset any partner you manage to find when they inevitably find out the person they were attracted to was ultimately a fabrication.
My advice is three fold:
One: do you have any friends who are particularly outgoing and social? If so, ask them for some advice, and observe what they do when meeting a new person + try to emulate their behavior.
Two: tell your girl friends you’re looking for a partner and ask if they know anybody who might be interested in you. If on the off chance one of them confesses to being in to you, consider it, but if the attraction isn’t there give them a respectful but firm “No.” If you feel tempted to try to force yourself to feel romantically/sexually attracted to someone just so you can be in a relationship, re-read my second paragraph above.
Three: Try not to stress out too much about bring single. I know you’ve probably heard this before, but at 21 you’re a lot younger than you may think you are. You have plenty of time, and even if it doesn’t work out, I know plenty of single people in their 30s, 40s and older who lead perfectly content, happy lives. Sounds a bit patronizing, I know, but it’s true
I’m an art student who shares a decent portion of your traits and I still managed a fling with a guy for a time and at least had the nuts to get rejected by 2 girls. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Though I will note that your insistence to spend your time alone won’t be helping your social skills anytime soon. If anything, you should be reaching out to more people.
You’re someone’s type
I want my man to be soft. I feel safer around soft men. And there is nothing wrong with that. You have a feminine voice, it doesn’t mean it isn’t attractive, and women don’t find it attractive. Some women love feminine men. Also, if you don’t like sports, it’s okey, you are a person before you are a man, and we as people like different things, we enjoy different things. Books aren’t a bad thing, books are the best ever made in. And honey, you should you are better thank most men, most of men can’t be friends with women because they can’t get sex, so this is like an objectification. You can be friends with women, that’s a flex. And you need to know, people will judge you, whatever you do and however you are so it’s better to be yourself. Most times people don’t gave a shit really.
I think finding some local social circles that are in line with your interests will help open more doors for you! If you even find something related but new, that could be great too!
Maybe try finding discord servers or other online spaces you might like to interact with to start.It takes the face-to-face pressure off in my personal experience. You can practice socializing in an environment you have more control over, and then you’ll hopefully feel more confident when you go out in person!
I think there are a lot of things to like and love about how you’ve described yourself – if you can find the joy and happiness in how you are, it’s easier to bring that joy and happiness to everything else. It’s challenging to be really genuine in the whole process, but take if you take it slow (like literally one small and simple thing/idea at a time slow) I feel like anyone can build up a lot of change. There’s a ton of snake oil advice about stuff like this in the media and influencer spheres, but there’s also a lot of good!
Two books I always go back to when I’m trying to retrain how I’m thinking about something are “Mindset” by Dr. Carol Dweck, and “The Inner Game of Tennis” by Timothy Gallwey.
I married a man who others might think is feminine. He has a softer voice, petite build, and likes to wear his hair longer and rocks earrings and a nose ring. He is more “domestic” (he takes on more of a homemaker role and does all the cooking for our family). He is very sensitive and caring. He has mostly women friends because he feels more comfortable and himself around feminine energy. He’s not into stereo typical “masculine” hobbies either.
He is a great husband, an amazing dad, and he leaves his mark on the people he meets because they remember him as being kind and emotionally intelligent.
Growing up, his parents often suggested that he might be gay and told him it was okay if he was. They couldn’t wrap their head around a straight boy being gentle and kind. But it’s just who he is, and I love him for that.
My advice is to embrace and lean into your true self. Don’t ever try to put on an air of being more “masculine” just to fit in or find friends. It’s true that it may be more difficult to meet people who will get you, but it’s worth being true to yourself. You WILL find your people!
If it helps, you have mostly described my darling husband, excessive sweating and all. I love him to the moon and back, 17 happy years and counting. He makes me smile every single day.
To be clear, what matters most is what is in your heart: being a good and kind person, having a solid reliable sense of right and wrong, being generous and hospitable, caring for those who have fewer advantages, the signs of good character.
Those qualities can be found anywhere, regardless of looks or mannerisms or voice or whatever. Ppl who are wise treasure those qualities.
May I make one recommendation? While I am fond of reading myself and enjoy the company of others who are also avid readers, it is also important to learn and discover and expand your mind in other ways. Consider what things intrigue you, things you might want to learn more about or try, no matter how unconventional. Take a class, go to a meetup, try a workshop, find ppl who share the interest.
I’ve met all my partners over the years while I was engaged in something I was curious about and wanted to try.
Some of those things were subjects of childhood curiousity: how exactly did Rumplestiltskin spin straw into gold? It prompted me to learn how to use a spinning wheel. How exactly did the weavers create cloth for The Emperor’s New Clothes? It prompted me to learn to weave. I met my husband learning target archery. George Takei met his husband through joining a running club. Follow your curiousity, including things you enjoy reading about.
When you are in the company of ppl who are also doing something they enjoy, it makes for a positive atmosphere, gives a ready made subject for conversation, and creates a shared joy.
Look up get togethers on FB or MeetUp. Check out the catalogue of Adult Learning centers. Museums often have a lot of social things on the calendar.
While you’re at it, if you feel comfortable doing so, take pics of your discoveries and share them online. That may also help connect you with kindred souls.
There are wayyyy too many guys who think reading is girly/lame. If you like to read, that almost automatically makes you interesting. It shows you have an interest in learning and hearing from other people, which is attractive. It’s totally okay for a guy to have interests outside of sports. The only issue here seems to me to be social skills, which can absolutly be learned. Also, I sweat a ton too, and I’m also self-concious about it, but I’ve found most people don’t really care, especially if you have a medical condition that causes it.
i haven’t seen anyone address the hyperhidrosis yet, so i want to comment on this:
there are iontophoresis devices that will make you sweat less in the regions you use it. it’s life changing, trust me! (speaking of experience).
now idk where you live and how your healthcare system is. those devices can go up to 500/600$.
I’ve had it prescribed by my dermatologist and that way only had to pay 20€.
ETA: i can tell you it’s worth every penny! if your insurance doesn’t cover it, it’s really worth it to save up the money.
You’re my type lol
Yeah it probably just a confidence thing just work on accepting who you are then the girls will come you still normally gotta make a move ofc but they’ll be more interested is you just be yourself and move with confidence. I’m also working on this myself but my confidence is growing and I can feel that they’re more interested making a move can be intimidating but fuck it if they like you they’ll respond if not move along no point wasting time with a dumb crush and doing nothing about it
As a guy who’s on the more masculine side, women seem to really like feminine movements and body language. So that’s a plus imo.
Hey dude maybe lay off the internalized misogyny and just focus on being an actual person. Nothing is a bigger turn off then being hyper focused on gender “norms” (which are complete bullshit and help no one). Who says your voice is feminine? Who cares ?
Dude chill, you’re not special I know a ton of people like this. This is insecurity, you are in your head, think others don’t get it, but this is so normal man. You are a normal dude. So yea, no real thoughts except try to stop creating some unrealistic concept of what “it means to be a man”. A lot of this seems like you’re just judging yourself really harshly, stop bullying yourself pls.
Sounds like the only real problem you have is lack of self confidence. There’s nothing wrong with any of these things you mention. Girls don’t like guys because they’re into sports. But a side-effect of being an athlete is getting muscular and have self confidence, which is what is attractive. I feel similar to you in that my main interests are tech and reading and other “nerdy” things. Everything depends on how you think and speak about yourself. My advice: try working out. Get into lifting weights or running or hiking or any physical activity that allows you to set goals and push yourself. This will boost your confidence tremendously. Also speak about the things you love confidently. Speaking about your interests in a confident and passionate way is one of the most attractive things anyone can do. Godspeed, and try not to be so hard on yourself.
Eh, some of us prefer “feminine” men. I’ve been perceived as gay my whole life cause I move and talk, apparently, like a dude (e.g. masculine). I thought I wasn’t girly enough and was mad insecure about it but it turns out some guys gravitate toward my type and aren’t put off by it at all. I’ve always seemed to end up with bi guys because I like my men to act what ppl call “feminine”. There’s this guy named Chris Klemens on YouTube who’s an example of the type of person I’d love to date haha.
The guy I’m with now is masculine like he has a deep voice and he isn’t particularly graceful in his movements, but he’s feminine in terms of he loves to read, he’s very gentle and a great listener. He’ll sing to me and read to me its so sweet. Feeling safe with someone is a turn-on. I think you’ll be alright.
If you like books and podcasts then you’re not boring; being interested in learning stuff / hearing stories means you always have something to talk about.
Idk how men meet women tbh. I pity yall. I’m very assertive but when I was a girl ppl always tried to talk me out of being assertive. It seems like most women have been trained not to approach men they’re interested in. So I feel bad for guys. Probably women have liked you and just never told you. Idk how you can break the ice with women other than maybe just being forthcoming. For example. “I think you’re really pretty and would love to take you on a date. My name is [name].”
That’s the only method I think would work on me. I don’t really like when guys beat around the bush. And this method would work on me only with a feminine guy. If a masculine guy cold-approached me this way I might be scared of him and decline lol, I’d rather be the approacher in that scenario. A feminine guy, on the other hand, is always welcome to approach me.
This is just me but I’m guessing a lot of women prob relate to some of what I’ve said here. Idk c: Good luck, luv!
M28. I really don’t care about sports, most “manly” things are cringe to me like cars, grills or fitness studios. I have found boys and girls who think the same way. I love books, movies, TV shows, video games, walks and talking about stuff – like psychological.
So – you’re totally fine. Don’t let society with their made up “man” and “woman” stuff confuse you. The fact that you exist is proof that there’s much more like minded people, be it man or woman or anything in between. It does exist because you exist.
And the best part: you have to be yourself to find people that match with you so all you have to do is… be yourself! The connection you will have with people is awesome!
You sound like a great guy, I’m sure we would get along great!
I’m “soft” and feminine like you mentioned and only have female friends too and honestly it’s really no problem making friends of either gender. Maybe because I’m funny but people are still drawn to my awkward ass. The only real issues I faced is the dating scene. Alot of women, especially women from my “community” don’t like feminine guys and always talk abt that masculine energy crap. constantly made me depressed but hey we gotta be true to ourselves mate
I’m not a sports fan, I’ve gone out of my way to date guys that create things. My husband was an artist, watching documentaries, and movies. He had full lips and soft-spoken. He said he felt too feminine. But all these things made me fall in love with him.