So I’ve been dating this girl for about 2 months now. It’s been nice. We went on a small holiday together. We see each other quite a lot. We’re not a couple yet though. Which brings me to my point. She had sex with someone else last night. Naturally I’m heartbroken as I was falling for this girl and was really wanting to make her my girlfriend within the next month or so. The thing is we never swore exclusivity to one another. We alluded to it and I was left with the understanding she had no eyes for anyone else the same way I have no eyes for anyone else. The thing is now this has happened. I don’t know what to do. Do I just cut all ties and move on as if she’s cheated on me. Is it my mistake for assuming she was only interested in me. My minds a mess
25 comments
Just move on. Or at least push back exclusivity, to never.
Alluding isn’t the same as agreeing.
No, you both didn’t verbally agree to be exclusive.
How did you find out though? Did she just tell you?
Ehhh … This one is complicated. To boil it down, you two had expectations that you never discussed.
She might have expected that you two would have been exclusive after your holiday, but once that wasn’t established, she was disappointed. She told you about the other guy for a reason, but again, she didn’t really talk about it.
You thought that the relationship was progressing and she should have known that, but again you two never talked about it. You had planned to become exclusive in another month, but you never talked about that with her. You were caught completely off guard when she told you that she slept with someone else and you assumed that you two were done, but you didn’t tell her how you felt.
Communication on both sides was lacking for sure. Is it too late to go back to her and have a deep honest conversation? Maybe, but you’ll never know for sure unless you talk to her. Of course, she could call you and initiate that conversation, but that hasn’t happened so far. She may have expected you to tell her your feelings after she told you about the other guy (which may not be true, who knows), but you didn’t.
How willing are you to set your pride aside and call her? How willing are you to be vulnerable and admit your true feelings? That will determine whether you call her or not. Calling her is no guarantee that she will become exclusive now, but that’s a risk you have to be willing to take. You’ll also have to maintain this open communication from now on to make this work, which may or may not be possible for you.
You have a lot to consider. I wish you well.
Well, if there’s no exclusivity then she didn’t cheat. That being said y’all did seem to have some conversation around seeing each other and meeting up frequently. It hurts badly but I would cut my losses and move on. Clearly she still had her eyes on other guys if she’s able to hook up without much thought.
I think the whole “exclusivity” thing these days is frustrating as hell. It’s weird to me that people are seeing multiple people at once and it’s like so many people get off on that. For weeks? Sure whatever. Months? What the hell..
I’d say in a way she did cheat. You deserve better. Someone who’s into you fully as you are to them.
Move on.
She didn’t cheat but, if she slept with someone else, its probably best for you to move on in the long run.
I personally thought dating meant you guys were together. But I see there are definitely different opinions.
I would find someone else if I were you, if I was causally dating someoene even if we were not a couple, i would not sleep with anyone else. That is weird…..
On the one hand, she technically didn’t do anything wrong because you hadn’t discussed exclusivity. But, if I were in your position, I would move on, because the fact that she would even want to sleep with somebody else would tell me that we were not on the same page.
I speak from experience. I have been where you are and it sucks. Sorry you’re having to go through this.
Have the two of you had sex together already?
Also, if you’re not a couple and didn’t get a clear exclusivity agreement, it’s not cheating, BUT you’re totally entitled to not accept it and break up whatever there is between you. I think I would have serious doubts about how’s she’s willing to take it seriously with you if she’s sleeping with other people as you’re starting to date.
Technically she didn’t cheat as you hadn’t agreed to be exclusive. I do understand why you’re hurt.
I think the real question is if you would want to continue with someone who feels the need to sleep with someone else after months of dating you. I know I wouldn’t. So she might not have broken a contract but it’s still a crappy thing to do
The world in which sleeping around is the “default position ” unless otherwise agreed upon, is a fucked up world.
If she needs to be told to not fuck someone else 2 months in shes not worth the energy.
Going on holiday with someone and not having heavily implied or clearly discussed exclusivity is mad to me especially as part of months of dating. Wether it’s technically “cheating” or not it’s awful behaviour and shows their lack of value for you.
If you never brought up exclusivity, then perhaps neither of you is ready for that kind of relationship. Communication will make or break any relationship, whether monogamous, open, developing, etc. Learn how to say what’s on your mind and move on.
I think whether it’s stated as “cheating” or not due to not having the exclusivity talk isn’t what’s important.
Do you think you still want to be with her? Is this something you can move on from with her?
If the answer is yes, then have the conversation now and move on.
If the answer is no, then it doesn’t matter that you weren’t exclusive, it still hurt you. Sure, you can’t go accusing her of cheating but you can say you don’t feel comfortable with it and you’re not sure you can move on from it.
Technically she did’t cheat but if it bothers you don’t make her your girlfriend and move on. If she respected you enoigh and genuine wamts something mlre serious with you she would have not slept with somebody else.
To me, if you really cared and were interested in someone, you wouldn’t sleep with someone else. Drop her and move on.
If a guy continued having sex with me while treating me like a girlfriend, yet not asking me out, I’d assume he wasn’t serious about me.
How did it come up that she had sex with someone else? Does she still want to date you or does she want to continue with this other person? How long has she been dating this other person?
I have a different opinion than some of the other posters. There is nothing wrong with sleeping with others if not exclusive as long as you are open and honest about it. If you are feeling jealous, that’s a signal you need to set boundaries and talk about monogamy.
My husband and I dated others for a year when we first met. I was just out of a long relationship, wanted to enjoy being single, he also had his own stuff going on. A year in we were hanging out all the time and jealousy entered the equation, we had the exclusivity talk and never looked back. It’s been 10 years and we are married with a kiddo. I’m still glad we didn’t go exclusive from the get-go though, I needed that time to be a little crazy. Had we stared a serious relationship too early it may have not worked out.
Every situation is different, it’s just important you trust your partner and you are both honest with each other.
Take it ass a loss … move on … if she truly liked you and respected you she wouldn’t just go around sleeping with someone else … you are possibly just another side piece … until she runs into this same scenario where she is now on Reddit posting about a guy she’s dating who slept with someone else.
She didn’t cheat but if you are going to stay with her and hold this over her head or think badly of her, it’s better to break up. You should tell her it hurt you and talk it through but you have to decide if you can get over it and move on with her or if it’s going to fester over time.