Should I tell her I have cancer, or keep it to myself?
My ex and I just started talking again and even after months apart I still believe she’s the most amazing woman on the planet and the love of my life. I’ve never cared about anyone like I do her. She’s everything to me and I want to prove that I can be the person she fell in love with again.
The problem is that I have some form of advanced cancer that I’ll be starting treatment for soon.
Norm Macdonald is a hero of mine and like him, I don’t really want anyone to know. I don’t want to share my burden with anyone or spread anymore misery but if my time is short, I want to make the most of it.
I also don’t want her to spend my last days with me out of pity so I’m leaning towards not telling her. I haven’t even told my close relatives. I was thinking about writing letters when the time comes. Is it better to keep this to myself and quietly fight it while fighting for her? Or do I tell her and see what happens?
30 comments
Tell her. Not telling her is taking away her decision to want to spend as much time with you as possible.
She may not want to and that’s ok too, but tell her as enjoying your life with her if she wants to is much better than hiding something so significant from her.
I think keeping this a secret will take a psychological toll on you, which may not be what you need when fighting the cancer. But other opinions may differ.
I think you should tell her because it’s fair to her. She deserves to have this important information about you, so she’s able to react however she does.
I don’t think she’ll pity you, I think she’ll feel compassion towards you. That’s a natural and healthy feeling to have. It’s not your fault you’ve got cancer, and you don’t have any responsibility to the world to bear it alone. You deserve compassion.
I hope the best for you!
Thank you all for your support and kindness. I will try to find the courage to tell her soon.
It would be cruel to not tell loved ones, it robs them of time to process and to understand that memories need to be made. I’m sorry you are going through this
Don’t ask her to make a choice without all of the information. This isn’t the kind of secret that you can keep. I would be beyond angry if a loved one kept that from me. Yes, you’re the one who is sick but not giving the people in your life a chance to prepare themselves for what is coming is going to hurt them.
Please tell people
I can only imagine what you’re going through, but if I was her I’d want to know.
She’s going to lose you in a very permanent way, she should at least have the chance to be there for you.
And I understand not caring much about yourself but try to find things that are worth the time you have left, watch the wind move the trees, go somewhere you’ve never seen, call someone you haven’t seen in awhile and go see a movie. There’s so much we take for granted because we think we can just do it later, and you’re right she might not want to be there but it’s better to know than to always wonder ‘what if?’
Talking again as in trying to reconnect the partnership, or talking platonically after a period of no/low contact?
Cancer shifts a lot perspective wise & understandably so.. but your priorities seem to be at odds? The stoic element is anathema to vulnerability which is the key connection point.
Taking her ability to choose when you’re actively engaging is self serving. Presuming people will choose pity over compassion is self sabotage.
Even if you’re not in a place to care much for you, other folks may be inclined to.
Tell her, she would want to know and will treat you as she should if she is that good a person. It will eventually show anyways and she will be heartbroken. All the best!
Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish you the best of luck! Remember to rest when you need it and be gentle/kind to yourself, most important things you can do.
Tell her. Watch Disjointed. I know it’s kind’ve a dumb show but there’s a story line in season 2 of a dude with cancer and how he should give people the choice to be what they want/need to be for him. Just tell her you want to be fully honest with her and don’t feel it’s fair to leave her in the dark, but you have zero expectations. Best of luck, friend. I hope things turn around and I hope you have a beautiful life.
Please tell her- I just imagined my partner not telling me and then him getting so sick or dying and me never having known and it broke my heart just to imagine it. This is crucial information. If the situation were reversed would you want to be kept in the dark?
I also want to encourage you to seek out support. I’m sorry you’re sick- it can be difficult to navigate. Please seek out any cancer support groups in your area. Often they’re free and can help you feel less alone in your diagnosis
Fuck dude…this sucks.
Id like to be that one guy that tells you what you want to hear.
Don’t tell her.
But, we both know if you really do love her, she needs to know.
Sorry bro.
Tell her. If she means so much to you, you get to share the joy and the pain. If you respect her, tell her. All those who love you would want to know, but it is your story and you deal with it how you can. Allowing people to become close to you is a privilege which will give them closure when the time comes. I get it, you don’t want your life to be about your illness, but you can set it all out to your friends. Let them in and best of luck. Enjoy everything.
So very sorry for what you are enduring. I am going to suggest that you reconsider telling family and friends. Know you aren’t looking for pity and don’t want their behavior to change but reactions aren’t always pity and at least in my case, I cherish the knowledge that I could willingly provide comfort & support.
See I was my brother’s caregiver for his last years, had him move in with me. It wasn’t always bad, we had good times too. I worked full time but we were a team, getting through it all together.
From him, I learned how to handle adversity with grace & even humor. He taught me to live for each day, seek the good, discard the bad (as much as we could). He passed at 49 & while I miss him everyday, I’m grateful we had that time together.
Sooo, all that just to ask that you might reconsider telling folks, so they might have the same opportunity I had.
Tell her. It’s not like you’re going to be able to hide that something is going on if you’re doing chemo; that shit takes such a toll on your body that she’s going to see it. If you love her, be vulnerable with her.
Tough one. Before I am too harsh let me make sure you know I feel for you. I am stating the below assuming the worst.
You should 100% tell her. Could she stay with you out of pity? Maybe.
Could she choose to not get back with you bc of the possibility of the pain of losing upi for good after getting back with you? Maybe.
​
In the end, she needs to know what she is getting into. She can then make her choice. She needs to know what she is getting into.
I think not telling her isn’t fair. You’re taking away her choice in the matter. Not to mention that if you don’t tell her, and things go south, you will have not only broken her heart but left her completely confused as to why you didn’t tell her.
You cannot ever expect to build a solid relationship with someone if you hide important information about yourself. Tell her, let her decide.
Hey man, I understand where you’re coming from but the opposite side of the situation. My friend just told me the same thing and she was diagnosed and was trying to find a way to reach out to me since we both went no contact. I can happily say she’s getting treatment and I’ll be by her side as much as I can be. You just have to ask. No harm in it since most of the time, we want to be with people we care for, even if we end on rough terms.
Edit: word
Not only should you tell her you need to let the family know as well. Family’s always have problems in life but most will love you and help you. Don’t think of it as a burden to them if most families come together to help each other out. If you kept that secret from everyone you’d be taking away their right to choose and you’d get no one to help or visit you because I don’t want you alone in what life you have left. Best wishes that the therapy helps and everything you have going on prayers for you my friend
You are NOT a burden. The people who love you won’t pity you, they love you and want to be with you as long as they possibly can. Let them. I’m so so sorry
Gmail allows a time delay system, I can’t tell you what you should do as this is a hard question to ask yourself, however… if you decide not to tell, you can set a time delay email to send to her email & relatives detailing the type of person you are, and who you had hoped to be, so if you did pass and was unable to fight this they will get that one last letter to hold onto and give them hope for the future.
tell her, but secretly start cooking meth to pay for your cancer treatment and become your areas meth kingpin
Please tell her. My ex, who I was still in contact with and still loved as an old friend, had pancreatic cancer and I didn’t find out until the day he died. I still feel terrible that I didn’t get to tell him goodbye. Please tell her, don’t put her through that. Mourning is hard enough without wondering why he never told me.
Advice aside I hope your doing ok with this news and wish you luck with your future
Oh sweet internet stranger. First let us give you some love and appreciate your existence. I won’t put words in your mouth, but it seems like you’re still shocked and confused (and who the hell wouldn’t be, right!?). Still processing things. Please, don’t do this alone. No matter what your brain is tricking you to think, or what your emotions are tricking you to think, don’t let your health decline alone when you can be surrounded with love and support. Now is the time to be selfish in being loved. And that’s ok. Don’t feel like you’re being overly vulnerable or weak. Jeez, there is so much power in allowing yourself to be loved. Another commenter mentioned this idea (and a superb idea at that), finding a group for cancer support because there will be room for you to express how you feel, to hear others express how they feel, to feel understood, learn new things about where your journey could lead too, good connections, etc. The possibilities there are endless.
Now, on to your primary objective. There are moments that change the course of our lives and those in it. Now, I don’t believe we get a choice in these matters. Sometimes life has a way of making it’s how choices for us. There may be very important somethings that people that know and love May be inclined to share with you now, with the foresight that they may not have another chance to share with you otherwise. I feel that you would also be able to maturely communicate to your circle how they can be there for you and what would make you feel uncomfortable. This is a learning opportunity for everyone involved. Including you. You are relearning how you want to be loved. And what you need.
Your need to extricate yourself from other feelings may be more determined by the fact that you’re still processing a million different thoughts and realities. Maybe even just talking to a close friend, or this reconnected lady friend, could provide you some kind of key piece of information or insight you may not be able to delegate to yourself at this moment. Do you feel like your mind is clouded by too many thoughts and worries for others? If we think and feel for others, truthfully, we are robbing them of autonomy and the right to dictate their own actions and choices after the fact. I would say, be open with your loved one.a And this young lady. I pray for your recovery, (childishly maybe) a miracle, and am sending you so much … good everything … I can muster. No matter what you decide bud, you’ve got my internet stranger support. I’m rooting for you.
I think when this comes up, a lot of friends and family of loved ones they lost to cancer all absolutely wish they had known or known sooner. People take living for granted, but when there is a real clock ticking they will want to cherish every single second with you. Every single memory and moment. And you will too. It also prepares them to be at peace and minimizes trauma. I am sorry OP, and wishing you the best.
This may not be an advice but your story breaks my 💔 I truly wish U nothing but the best.