I (F29) have borderline personality disorder (BPD) recently been diagnosed and trying to take the right steps for myself. I.e. taking my meds, trying to stick to a schedule, reading a bunch on how to control my self, eating right, so on a so forth. I’m having issues in my relation with my bf (M28). We have been together for about 2 years. I had a manic episode this week where nothing I was feeling was making sense and I could feel myself go a little crazy. All I did was push him away and probably came off as crazy. Fast forward to yesterday where I took matters into my own hands because what my therapist recommended wasn’t working so I ran about 14 miles. Came back with a clear head and emotions intacted. On my run I came to realize how poorly I came off to my significant other and also that when I get like this it’s unintentional and not recognizable on my end at the moment. He’s the greatest guy ever. Last night I apologized to him and he hugged me tight and told me he loved me. He invited me out to hang out with his friends and ended our night with great sex. I feel awful at how things played out on my end even if I can’t help it at times. He’s such an important person in my life and I just want him to know he’s valued in my eyes. How can I make this up to him? Do I do a romantic gesture? Do I buy him something? I want him to feel the love I have for him and know that I’m trying for the better.
TL;DR: I had a manic episode and treated my significant other poorly, want to make it up to him. What is the right gesture to make?
2 comments
I don’t think it’s about a gesture on your part, I think it’s about communicating about you feeling sorry and him knowing that’s not a way you want to act, I think that means discussing how he felt, and explaining to him how difficult these things feel to control, that you’re addressing it with your therapist, etc. These things fester in the dark, they do best being aired out and not sort of swept under the rug: he like you would rather end the night with a loving feeling and good sex so the temptation is strong to just pretend it didn’t happen and put it down to a blip.
I commend you for wanting to take accountability for your actions but I’m concerned that this could set up a bit of an unhealthy relationship dynamic in the sense that you have a personality disorder which will take long term management, it’s not healthy for you to continually feel apologetic and less-than, you both need to communicate and agree on some healthy parameters for your relationship – maybe you can find a way to identify when you’re feeling that way and ask for space in advance in this instance, maybe in another instance it’s just the way he says something which you find triggering and he’ll be happy to adjust the way he says it to communicate with you better, and so on. It’s not your burden to bear if he wants to be in a relationship with you, you both have to contend with it. I’m not encouraging the abdication of responsibility on your part, simply that you take responsibility for it by communicating openly with him and encouraging him to share his feelings too, even if it’s difficult for you to hear. (I’m autistic, it requires dating people who are particularly good at communicating, and I’m sure I’m not going out on too much of a limb to assume that managing a relationship when you have BPD is somewhat similar.)
It sounds like he really likes you, so the best gift you can give him is to just keep being yourself. It’s natural to feel some sort of desire to “make it up to him,” but really the best thing you can do is just keep doing the things you’re doing (taking your meds, scheduling, eating right, etc). That’s what will be best for the relationship in the long run. If you want to do something nice, you could always make/order his favourite meal or buy him something for one of his hobbies.