My spouse is perpetually in a bad mood. She hates her job, she spilled something, the dog is too loud, her clothes don’t fit, it’s too cold, that list is ongoing and endless. I’ve worked on not trying to fix it or change it, but sitting around her seething makes me go crazy after a few days.
I want to just be alone and do my own thing because I’m not in a bad mood and want to enjoy my time. But I can’t do that with her being miserable and if I leave then I am abandoning her and making her feel bad for being in a shitty mood. What do I do?
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Take this clutch marriage advice my man.
A lot of women like to vocalize complaints about things and not fix them. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will realize she just wants you to listen to her vent and know you care. And those things wont upset you anymore.
This isn’t unique to your wife.
My wife does the same thing. For example, “It’s to cold outside” – **Me internally** (THEN PUT A DAMN COAT ON. Do I need to go get one?) | **Me after being married for 10+ years** “Oh yeah it is pretty cold out here.” Then let her ask me to get it or let her ass freeze lmao.
You can’t make somebody happier. You can’t make it not bother you.
Have you encouraged your SO to do therapy?
If they don’t want to actually work on it your options: suck it up or leave. Maybe you two could brainstorm a schedule for spending time apart that you both find agreeable? Still that seems like more of a bandage than a fix.
There is nothing you can do. Your spouse needs to want to change things. I can only suggest therapy for her and as a couple.
Is this new behavior or was she always like this?
Are there good things about the relationship you haven’t mentioned? Do you have kids?
I don’t know if there’s a great way to phrase this specific issue, but if you haven’t already, I think your best chance is a very direct “it seems like you’re unhappy lately” and seeing where it goes (probably to a bad mood but it can’t get better if you ignore it). Ask if you could support her in some way or if she’s considered therapy.
With respect, she might have a touch of the ‘tism.
I myself have been caught in the sights of the ‘tism.
Meltdowns from sensory issues are rough and even worse when people view the meltdown itself as the issue.
Little factoid to consider, just assuming you’ll research that like I would, related your situation to myself, little to no expressed concern or empathy, and I’m out
This is textbook depression. She needs to see someone and get on meds. This issue won’t go away on its own.
If you had to estimate, what percentage of the time is she in a good mood vs. a bad mood? Is this new behavior or has she always been like this?
If this is new behavior, I would have a gentle conversation about it and see if you can figure out what’s causing the change in attitude. If this is her standard attitude, then she may just be a negative person. That gets exhausting over time and I don’t blame you for wanting to extract yourself.
> if I leave then I am abandoning her and making her feel bad for being in a shitty mood
I’m assuming this is her characterization of the situation?
I might try starting the conversation with something like this: “The reason I want to distance myself when you’re in a bad mood is because it ruins my mood too. I’m exhausted because of the negativity and I would love for us to find a way to work on it so that neither of us has to be in a shitty mood and we can enjoy our time together. Can we talk about ways to do that?”
The truth is that you can’t fix someone who is determined to be negative. I’ve been with someone like that and it’s incredibly draining. All you can do is remove yourself, either when the negativity starts up or permanently. But first I’d do a temperature check and see if there is some stressor that’s exacerbating her mood lately.
Unfortunately some people enjoy to be in a bad mood. To complain about every shit instead of changing it. Oh, everything is so bad. And self-pity is always a part of it. But the worst is that those people drag others down. If they would be unhappy for themself, but no, they vocalize it to others. Did she do it just to you or also to her friends and collegues? If she would do it just to you, you would have another problem: She would want you to be miserable with her while she can actually control herself around others…
You should ask yourself if this is the life you want. Having a partner that is in a bad mood around 75% of the time, who enjoys to be miserable, and you must walk around egg-shells around her. Is this a happy relationship? When you just want to be away? You didn’t post your age but i guess you still have 50 years before you. Do you want to spend them like this?
And isn’t it a question of time till this mood will cause fights when she starts to complain about stuff you do or didn’t do. Another question is if you ever want children…
You can’t change her, even if you give her everything she wants, she will still be miserable and find something wrong. This is beyond you and your skills.
This is her personality and honestly, makes life for everyone who is around her too long a living hell. It’s mental abuse that she’s constantly using you as something to take her anger out on.
She needs to see a therapist or you need to walk away before you have a mental breakdown.
Is she on her period? I’m extremely irritable on my period and everything annoys me. However if this going on for months it could be hormonal, thyroid or a new stressor in her career.
Start doing afternoon walks and after a while of walking and her soaking in the fresh air ask her about her work and her family friends, see how she reacts.
Maybe take up jogging and go for a few miles of peace and quiet.
“I just want to be alone and do my own thing.”
You said it.
Where’s are the “Dump her” suggestions?
She’s miserable and making you miserable…
It’s the last advice after therapy& meds which needs to be followed .
Tell her to get another job or do something she likes. That is a big one.
My husband once told me, you fight with yourself. Wise words. I’m sure I was going off AT him about something. Funny I don’t remember what but his words stuck with me.
How often does she bring you joy? How often does her presence make you feel happy? It sounds like the answer is “rarely,” and if that’s the case, I don’t think you should stay in the relationship. The point of a relationship is to bring light and joy into our lives; not only is she not doing that, she’s actively making you miserable, and it sounds like the only way to satiate her to is to be miserable with her.
She may indeed be a wonderful person. Her misery may indeed be the result of trauma, and she may indeed have expressed the desire to work through that trauma. None of this changes the fact that your partner, by and large, brings more sadness than happiness into your life. I think you should strongly consider breaking up with her.
My partner, gods love him, is a very fatalistic sort. Dark humor, all that.
I am the exact opposite, I am sunshine and kittens and rainbows, chipper and gregarious as a teacher said about me one time.
Some people are just like that. But we fit really well. And it wasn’t easy.
Sure we had the honeymoon phase as all couples do, then we had the “question” phase (as I call it) when both of us are trying to figure each other out. This is when most couples have fights and when most break up. And **barring abuse of any kind**, you stick with it always keeping it forefront in your mind “my partner isn’t being mean, they are just communicating the only way they know” and then you’ll get back to the phase my partner and I are in now, acceptance and commitment.
Usually takes 3-4 years for any relationship to even out.
Good luck, stay with it if you aren’t being abused/manipulated/lied to. The other side is tough to get to but worth it.
As a spouse who is often in a bad mood thanks to mental illness, I recommend that you try to listen when she’s upset and offer support, and that she work to communicate her needs. This will involve work from both you and her.
You: when she complains, validate her feelings. Even if it’s small and stupid to you, to her it’s probably yet another thing that’s gone wrong that day. Say something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated about xyz. Can I help in any way?”
Her: she needs to learn how to vocalize her frustrations in an effective way, and to ask you for the help that would help her feel better. Instead of just saying that the dog is too damn loud, encourage her to seek a solution the both of you can work towards. “The dog is barking a lot and it’s frustrating because I’m trying to do xyz, would you mind taking him outside for a short walk?”
The end goal should be a solution if it’s something that can be fixed, and a show of support and/or comfort if it’s something that can’t.
Editing to add that I’m sorry you don’t feel heard by her in that it’s frustrating for you to hear her complain often. My hope is that if you both work on communication and understanding, you can both see things from a team-oriented perspective instead of you versus her.
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