Since my wife (31F) is stressed out I (29M) made a promise to her for worksdays: Come home from work, get a hot shower and short nap. In the mean time: I’ll cooking dinner.
Today was the first day, she overworked and didn’t inform me. I called her and told her what I was preparing to cook. She said: I don’t want you experimenting, I’ll just cook myself or order something. So I said: fine, you’ll go ahead and cooking. Then she said: Are you angry? I want to cook together. In the end: She ordered something.
I ended up feeling a bit unappreciated, I wanted to surprise her, but instead I feel like she doesn’t trust me/my cooking skills. In the mean time, she doesn’t get the rest that she needs.
What is/was going wrong here?
Edit: Now she ordered something + she is cooking for tomorrow. I’m doing the dishes….
11 comments
Starting a new thing on a day she’s already stressed is probably not a great idea. Instead, tell her that you are going to cook dinners on Tuesdays. After a few Tuesdays of you cooking a tasty and nutritious meal she’ll know she can trust you to do this on days she’s stressed out. Instead of treating it like something special, just make it a shared task.
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You married a control freak sounds like.
Make a deliciously fantastic meal for 1 and eat it in front of her.
Her stress is not your problem and you aren’t obligated to be a whipping post. Make your own dinner and let her figure out her own thing if she feels that entitled
Just cook anyway. Don’t be petty or sour about it. Just cook. If she orders take out. Fine. Just cook. Get yourself to a place where you are competent, and a place where you enjoy it. Then seek recipes that will specifically appeal to her tastes. Keep trying. Don’t give up. Don’t be offended.
You can be the man that cooks your way into your wife’s heart. Just be patient and unrelenting.
What issue, exactly, does she have with you cooking?
For example: my husband, love him, but he doesn’t pay attention to details. I’ve had crunchy pasta, horribly charred but raw burgers, potato wedges that were cut too big and didn’t cook through, and usually a mess left for me to clean. This leads me to be frustrated and wishing I had just done it myself. He was very sensitive to my input so it took him a long time to change. Now he makes perfect burgers, his pasta is well cooked and he leaves minimal mess. So now I feel comfortable with him cooking.
It may also be that she doesn’t like the way you clean or how you put items away. Finding food residue on items in the cupboard or the drawers all a mess after dishes are done is frustrating.
I can share an informal case study. I’m hella anxious, and we had many incidents like this before we figured out why I reacted so badly to acts like this. Husband would do a very nice, thoughtful gesture that I should appreciate and be thankful for, and instead it caused me undue stress and made me grumpy.
Over time we figured out that it’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought or that I don’t want him doing nice things for me. It’s that it feels like it adds more uncertainty and more scheduled activities to my already stressful day, and that makes my anxiety skyrocket to unholy levels. I appreciated the gesture, but not the surprise, and not the added to-do items.
He’s a fixer that loves spontaneity and I’m an anxiety-plagued mess that needs routine and lots of me time. It’s a bad combo sometimes, but I’m working on controlling my anxiety and he’s learned when I can and can’t be surprised with nice things. It’s definitely worth asking her why she was so upset that you wanted to cook for her. You’ll either learn she’s similar to me, or she’s actually ungrateful and thinks you’re incompetent.
We’re you making something “creative”? Do you tend to experiment with cooking or was she just judging unfairly? Is she a picky eater?
Take a cooking class together, and have dinner started when she walks. Start small Hamburger Helper.
Get into the habit of cooking. There are loads of subs you can find on reddit that can help you get creative but it’s always good to just start. If she wants to try something you made then great but it’s important to cook to save money and expand your skills/hobbies.
Also, it was the first day. You two will find the rhythm eventually and be better prepared to handle a random situation like what occurred. Be diplomatic and neutral when something like this happens again. You’re a great husband for helping her out.