I (27f) am starting to struggle with my sex drive. I know that stress and depression can lower libido and I’m pretty sure that’s what had been causing problems for me. The first year of my relationship was filled with incredible, mind blowing sex. Life has been extra hard on me lately (single mom to a toddler and struggling to make ends meet) and lately I just feel too tired for sex. My boyfriend (28m) has a CRAZY high sex drive. I’m trying hard to keep up with him because I want to keep him happy and satisfied, but now I find myself having sex even when I really don’t want to which is causing me more anxiety around the whole thing. He never forces me, but he does vocalize that he needs it to feel connected to me and That he gets really sexually frustrated when we don’t have sex, so I feel a bit coerced but it’s always consensual. We still have some form of sex almost every time I see him which is 4-5 times a week. I’m not sure I can do more than that right now and I’m feeling guilty about it.
What do I do? How can I boost my sex drive when reducing stress isn’t really possible at the moment? Am I selfish to stay with him if I can’t meet his needs sexually? Am I asking too much for him to dial it back sometimes? We have conversations about it but we usually go in circles trying to prove our own points and never come up with a solution. I’m at a loss and I want this relationship to work. Any advice appreciated.
Editing to add that 6 months ago I had an IUD put in and that is definitely around the time I really noticed my sex drive start to decrease. Between that + daily stress, idk what to do.
4 comments
If you are feeling coerced its not totally consensual and that will manifest into a problem. He needs to back off a bit and You could probably benefit to learn to transition and compartmentalise life, so that he gets the loving unstressed you at times. We all carry stress at times, but even during stressful times we must find times to push it aside, rather than carry and dwell in the stress 24/7. Do some reading on stress management and transitioning. You will probably save your relationship by doing so.
If the IUD is hormonal you may want to consider something else.
Libido mismatches are pure hell. I’m going through that now. Similar situation.
In our case, my wife’s libido crash almost certainly happened due to high-dose beta blocker plus SSRI. With a great deal of prodding for me she is finally starting to address it, but it is still a lower priority for her than some other issues.
It’s been 6 months so far of our sex frequency being down over 90%. We have been in counseling for a couple of months, and things are actually getting worse.
I am now looking at options to have sex with other people, at least for the duration of this problem. I figured that will be at least six months more, likely another year or so.
I really don’t want to separate or divorce, but I am absolutely not going to go on any further, having essentially zero sex. So we will most likely be having some very difficult conversations in a week or so.
It’s a very difficult problem. I wish you all the best in addressing it before it gets to the point that we are at.
So your new relationship energy (NRE) is wearing off. This is normal. Your libido is drifting back to your relationship baseline. Forcing yourself to have sex may make you begin to want sex even less. You may want to prioritize your own needs. It could be you have drastically different libidos.
You gotta just do you. It can’t be all about him. It’s not sustainable. Do you really wanna have sex whenever he wants (which is a lot), even when you don’t want to/are exhausted, just to keep him?? I wouldn’t! That sounds like an exhausting relationship to me. I can maybe understand him getting antsy without sex a week or two or more without. But every time you see him, which is almost most of the week, he needs some kind of sexual intimacy from you.
You’ve got a kid. Bills to pay. The sex will become a chore if you continue to basically force yourself to have sex with him. And no, I’m not saying or implying he’s forcing you. But you seem to have to mentally force *yourself* to want sex with him, all out of fear of losing him.
If he can’t respect that you are tired and maybe just want to cuddle and rest and relax and not have sex, then he ain’t worth all the stress and anxiety he’s inducing.