So I’ve been dating this girl for about 8.5 months or so. Things are going pretty well and all aspects basically. We get along well, have similar tastes, lots of understanding and respect for each other. I’ve always try totake the extra measure to be a good boyfriend to her (taking extra care of her especially while she is sick, helping her out through various legal and financial things, surprising herwith gifts often small sometimes big and a lot of suprise love notes and breakfast).
Our only issue is sex.
In the beginning few months it was great, she was initiating a lot, really enthusiastic and open with a lot of things. I loved it and It felt like heaven on earth for me. But then things just started to slow and Iwould become to one to initiate. She became more and more “annoyed” if I suggested it. We would only have sex once a month maybe. I’ve always shown care for her needs as well during sex. She is rather inexperienced but I was super patient and accepting.
To the point where about 7/8 months in… She just flat out refused sex altogether. Just flat out said she will not have sex at all with no time limit in sight. I asked for a reason why she just stays silent. Sometimes she says she is not feeling it or that it makes her feel like a prostitute (this is really concerning because I seriously respected her and have always treated her with respect and dignity, as equals). I asked for further explaination,but nothing or just annoyance.
We both love each other a lot and we can consider each other as potential life partners. But this issue is really bothering me. Physical intimacy is a really important thing to me and something I lacked growing up so I crave it. I try to Converse with her and want to make right if there was anything I did wrong… But no answer, just shuts down or gets angry at me. As well, it really does make me feel like shit. Like I feel unwanted, neglected, depressed and even cheap, beyond the obvious lack of pleasure.
Any insights, perspectives, tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to give up on her. Thanks all
43 comments
[removed]
How long has it been since you had sex?
The fact she doesn’t want to talk about it, or adress the issue is not good. Might be a medical issue that she’s embarrassed about, or worse that she’s seeing someone else.
I hope you can solve it through communicating.
Go over to the dead bedroom sub and see the misery of these people trapped in a sexless, passionless, intimacy deprived marriage and see your future.
You’ve been together for such a short time (8 months and you haven’t had sex in the last 3,5 months) that it is actually really weird. This is not a long marriage with a few bumps in the road, you are young and just met.
If she does not want to explain or give an honest answer, then, 8 months in a relationship(!), you’ve already got no communication and no sex in your relationship. That would be a no for me.
Serious question but is she getting her orgasm when you both had sex?
Just wanted to know if she’s stopped because it’s not equal.
U weren’t good enough in bed + suggested sex too many times when she wasn’t in the mood so now it just has a negative connotation for her. Also probably had it too often in the early days so she got bored of it
Just be friends.
any chance a couple months in since you guys were on the regular she started birth control pills? They can have a really massive effect on libido and overall hormones like ‘attitude’ wise….I know I worded that poorly but even as a woman I can’t think of a way to say that more simply
No offense you are 8 months in and she won’t communicate at all with you about a major issue. That isn’t real love man. That is you both living a lie designed to feed into your desire to not be lonely. Real love comes with opening up, communicating, and growing together. Not a deadbedroom and the silent treatment. Let her know that although having sex is not the line in the sand the lack of communication and being open with eachother is. She can either answer you and talk with you or you will just have to move on.
The sex problem is one thing, the not wanting to communicate is another and as both can mean the end of the relationship I suggest you convey that this is a situation that needs addressing.
Something is wrong that she’s uncomfortable talking about. Maybe it started hurting or burning. Maybe she had a pregnancy scare that she doesn’t want to admit to. You’re going to have to try to get her comfortable enough to tell you what’s really going on.
Hey man, looks very similar to what happened to me. The difference is that she had a 10 year relationship before, so not really inexperienced that much. No hookups or others.
It started for me like this, occasionally saying no, then no for whole weekends and then ended up having a talk and she said she is no longer attracted to me. Was it because I got fat, scars or something? No.
What I failed to realize is that I was giving to much of myself to her. I was too available, I was too kind to her, always ready to help or to talk if she wanted to.
This killed the attraction for me, she had to do nothing and was getting everything. I was blinded and in love, so was just saying to myself its just how she is. She was also saying it was because of hard times at work and a lot of stress by changing jobs. Useless to say now it wasn’t that even if I believe she thought so.
After three months of that discussion we ended up being at the lowest possible and parted ways
I was in a dead bedroom where my ex kept saying we’d get back to sex at some point, and I should have bailed. Your partner straight up said she won’t do it anymore. The time to GTFO is now. Sexual compatibility is important.
She is either cheating on you or something else like she is an Ace and was greatly hiding it at the beginning of the relationship. I straight up would dump her.
I don’t know, but something I hear a lot is talk about how coercion makes people averse over time. So, I guess, how do you react when she’s said no before? Do you accept that no? Do you do any behaviors that might be perceived as coercion? Ie, continue asking, or whine, or otherwise guilt her? Do you say ‘I do x and y for you; you should have sex with me’?
If she won’t tell you, however, there’s really nothing we can know. I’m just throwing out something I hear a lot about women no longer wanting to have sex with their partners, especially since she mentioned feeling like a prostitute.
Wow! It almost sounds like she used sex to get you into a relationship and now she just plans on cutting you off. Obviously if she’s not even willing to talk about a compromise you need to make up your mind whether you’re gonna continue on the same path or break it off and find somebody you’re more compatible with.
You can always initiate physical intimacy, it doesn’t have to be sexual
Sex isn’t the issue, the lack of communication is. If give her a huge benefit of the doubt, some space and time, then bring it up again if nothing changes. If she can’t talk to you about this or if something is bothering her then that is the vote problem of your relationship.
Sorry.
How are you going about asking for sex? In my experience just asking isn’t enough. You need to try and get her in the mood with foreplay. Offer a massage, give compliments, kisses on the neck/ear. This might get her more in the mood. If this doesn’t work then there is somethingelse going on for sure.
Well. Here’s my guess, and I may be way off, but to me this sounds like she was raised being told/believing that sex is bad/shameful and therefore she’s having negative associations with it (feeling like a “prostitute” etc). She has sex and then feels guilty/dirty/etc and she doesn’t want to feel that way, so she decides to just not have sex. She doesn’t want to talk about it because her whole life sex has been something she’s not supposed to think or talk about.
If my theory is correct, then this is an issue she is going to have to work through herself when she is ready to. You can offer to help her work through it, encourage counseling etc (very carefully because you don’t want to pressure her), but if she has shut the door on it there’s nothing you can really do except wait it out or decide you’re incompatible. The fact she doesn’t even want to discuss it imo makes it hard to support her so I would probably peacefully part ways.
Your sex life will not improve with this woman. She is weaponizing sex to see how long she can withhold it from you. Even if it resumes down the line it will once again cease.
Honestly, dude, if you guys can’t have open, honest, bidirectional communication about the status of your relationship, then your relationship is on borrowed time, and the longer you keep it going, the worse the ending will be.
I know you don’t want to give up on her, but you also can’t force her to love you the way you want to be loved. And it sounds like she’s already given up on you. To the point that this relationship is actively bad for you, and is harming your self-esteem and your mental health.
The truth is that the woman that you love in your head when you think about the future is not the same woman in your reality. They may look alike, but they aren’t the same person. Imagine a whole future with someone who treats you like this? Is that what you want? No. Is that what you deserve? No.
A happier life awaits you. A woman who will love you the way you want to be loved, and who will appreciate the way you will love her is out there waiting to meet you, and every day that you spend in denial about the future of your current relationship is another day you’re not with the right person.
If you’re 8 months in and she’s stonewalling you over something this important I’d just call it off dude. seems like a fundamental incompatibility and some issue on her end
How’s the non-sexual physical intimacy? Holding hands, cuddling, making out for the sake of making out. You might have a mismatch in expectations and need to work back up to sexual intimacy.
8 months in and she takes sex off the table and won’t talk with you about it? There’s not much to save here.
Honestly same with me , I either get over sexual one moment or get turned off by sex all together the next and then i feel bad when my dude ask for it or is overly sexual towards me when im grossed out by it ,it turns me off more and im like “is that all im here for?!” lucky for me my now bf is patient with me i didnt have sex with my ex for a whole year because i was turned off and like i couldn’t be in that moment mentally and when i forced my self too because i know sex is a big part of relationships id cry or throw up. I think it was from trauma but when my current bf showed me sex is a act of love and not for just validation it changed alot (dont get me wrong i still get like this some times) but thats when he is even more romantic or we do breath work so i can stay connected to him and not just zone out during sex
You want two different relationships. This isn’t a minor issue, it’s pretty fundamental. You can give up on sex, or give up on her.
I would back off the sex for now since it’s developing into a sore subject on both ends. Go back to the basics. Dates. Romance. Candles. Cuddles. Blankets. Flowers. Special nights. Chocolates. Maybe working towards a massage and makeouts. End there and leave it up to her but tease definitely. The spark just needs to be found again.
I sense that there is an issue here that is **not** tied to her not wanting to have sex with you/not desiring you. I agree largely with other commenters that maybe it’s medical, maybe something happened that she is embarrassed about or that made her uncomfortable with physical intimacy.
The only way to resolve this is to get her to communicate with you somehow. Remind her that you don’t want her to feel used (i.e. – reinforce that sex isn’t the only important part of your relationship and it’s not why you are with her), and you are not angry with her. You just want to understand what is going on because you feel left in the dark and a bit confused on why things changed. Make sure you are communicating that the reason you want to have this talk is because you care about your relationship.
I’m not saying this is what happened, but when I experienced SA, I completely shut down. I was scared of being intimate with people or even giving them the impression that I wanted to be. I also didn’t tell anyone because I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment.
Again, I am not saying that is her situation. But it is worth treading lightly. Keep in mind that she might be going through something and isn’t trying to hurt you or your relationship. Hopefully you will be able to have a discussion. Good luck OP.
OP she doesn’t seem like she wants to fix it. Probably best that you break her off.
In a comment you said that she hasn’t orgasmed with you in the 8.5 months or so that you’ve been together. My advice is to get in a better mindset first then conversationally approach her about this topic. For example, you said this:
>I’ve always shown care for her needs as well during sex.
But with her not orgasming, then that’s not true. Not harming her is good, but it’s very different from both of you getting sexual pleasure to the point of orgasm.
​
>Sometimes she says she is not feeling it or that it makes her feel like a prostitute
Makes sense. The two of you have sex and while you orgasm, she doesn’t. Prostitutes are doing a job and their pleasure is not part of the equation. If you are sexually satisfied while she can’t even orgasm, then her seeing sex with you as more of a chore or a job makes perfect sense. It was probably nice to see you happy in the beginning, but after months and months of only you getting what you want and her not even being able to get one orgasm…. the inequity takes its toll. It’s been 3.5 months for you not getting an orgasm from her and 8.5 months for her not getting an orgasm from you.
You mentioned she was inexperienced. Perhaps she knows that sex isn’t supposed to be this bad but doesn’t have the vocabulary or knowledge on how to fix it. If you are able, maybe sex therapy could help or couples therapy or perhaps some other online resources could help with developing the language to better communicate.
Haven’t seen it mentioned yet, but do you know if she has sexual trauma in her past? An abusive family member, ex or friend? If so that could explain the makes her feel like a prostitute. Just something that jumped out at me from that statement.
If you don’t know, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can try to talk to her about it – if it’s not there you might be stonewalled. Same if it is there, you still may get stonewalled or an emotional reaction you have to be prepared for.
Another thing to consider is how the conversation goes. You may perceive how you’re speaking one way whilst she sees it another. Honestly, and I’ve done this when I needed a pair of ears, figure out what you want to say, and tell it to your closest friend/family member and ask what message they hear.
As many others have stated, communication is key. I am not a therapist, but these are things I have been suggested. If all else fails, and you really feel the relationship is worth fighting for, then you could float the idea of couples counseling. Though you need to consider how serious this 8 month relationship is and your desires for the future. If she refuses a couples therapy, then it might be time to cut it off.
My last girlfriend did the same thing to. It became sexless, and gradually over time communication from her all but ceased until she just ended things without any explanations. It really hurts, I’ve been there. It’s at this point time, with my experience, I’d start considering what is the BEST course of action for ME. Not for her. You know you are in. Pay careful attention to how she responds and acts, and you’ll have a loose idea of what needs to happen.
Best of luck! Feel free to PM me if you need to chat. I know it sucks.
Honestly she just might not be that into you anymore and doesn’t want to admit that. She is 22 and you’re 28 and when you’re young like that the attention a man gives you can be intoxicating but you don’t really know what you want at that age truly.
It may be that she doesn’t know how to break things off but if she doesn’t want to have sex with you ever I think that’s a pretty strong indicator that she’s no longer interested and because she’s young she might now have the maturity to know how to break things off and have proper communication. On the opposite end she may be sticking around because she likes what you do for her, taking care of her.
I do feel like you want things to work but staying in a sexless relationship is being a bit desperate.
Set some healthy boundaries in your relationship obviously don’t force someone to have sexual with you but also be with someone who wants to be with you whose into you dude. This is the bare minimum.
If she has some other issues going she needs to communicate that with you but if not you guys need to be honest about the relationship no longer working and not waste each others time further. She might have love for you but she’s not in love with you.
8 months in and it’s already gone sexless with zero willingness on her part to communicate why?
She sounds like she has massive hang ups around sex. Was she raised in an overly religious household or purity culture?
Unless she is willing to be proactive in exploring her own sexuality, you can’t do anything to fix this issue.
You need to seriously question whether you want to continue this relationship.
Hi OP. Had something similar. Dated a girl for 3 years. First year was really intimate. Plenty of sex and being adventurous then one day it stopped. “Didn’t want to risk pregnancy” was her reason. We had been safe with condoms and birth control pills. We then went a year and a half with zero sex at all. We loved each other. Talked about the future, children, moving in, etc. then one day she initiated. It went from 0-100 instantly except I noticed her attitude changed. She was more cruel, started to tear me down, physically hurt my cat, make fun of my career goals, etc. it was wild. During an argument one night I asked what happened. Why all the sudden changes. Finally she broke down and said that she had fallen out of love after that first year and just held on because she didn’t want to be alone then when she wanted sex she had hoped it would fix her feelings but it just made her hate me. We don’t talk anymore. Good luck is all I got for you
After reading most of the comments and your replies to them, i think there might be another man in her life thats there when you are not. She may only have you for the emotional part of the relationship while satisfying her intimacy part is being fullfilled by another person.
Sounds like it’s a deal breaker for you (fair and totally ok), so tell her if she can’t give you an actual reason then you’re not sure how to go on from that point
A total lack of interest in sex, with no reason they’d can discuss with you, is a reason to end a relationship, in my opinion.
I’m happily monogamous for the last 34 years, and while sexual frequency waxes and wanes, we both always desire each other, and can talk openly about why and dry spell is occurring.
Sex is one of the best things life has to offer, and for someone who has sexual desire, having that be completely unmatched in your partner, would make happiness a challenge.
You don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t communicate and who you are not sexually compatible with. Breaking up is what you should be doing. This isn’t a life partner. This is a relationship that has run it’s course.
As some people have suggested, has she started take birth control pills recently? If so they could be messing with her emotions due to unstable hormones. And if not, there’s only a couple other things I can think of;
1. She’s seeing someone else on the side
2. She’s just decided that she no longer wants or likes sex
3. She’s recently been abused. Ik this one is not a nice thought at all, but my cousin was raped last year and it almost destroyed her relationship with her bf of 5 years as she didn’t know how to tell him. It’s not a nice topic to broach, but in the interest of making sure that she’s ok it might be one that needs to be discussed. Try to be gentle with it and if she doesn’t want to talk about it then drop it and move on.
And like others have said already, if she can’t have a conversation about sex then it might be time to call quits.
This is a fundamental incompatibility.
If she won’t do it, won’t talk about it, won’t acknowledge it, and won’t do anything to try to improve it… Then she’s leaving you in an impossible situation.
At best she’s a horrible communicator – an essential skill for successful relationships. That also doesn’t align with your other comments about her communication skills.
At worst she doesn’t give a flying fuck about your experience in this relationship – a dealbreaker for most.
You can try sending her this post (I’d just send the body of text, not the link to the actual post) and ask her to read and get back to you. Maybe it will be a wakeup call and help her better understand your viewpoint and feelings on the matter. You need to be very upfront about how this is all making you feel. If she reads this and has nothing to say to you, then you should end it.
People are so gullible.. you’ve communicated, you’ve been gentle, her flat out refusal with no explanation.
She either isn’t physically or emotionally attracted to you anymore.
Or
There’s someone else