This is the place to share your thoughts on dating. Get as meta as you want, within the rules.

26 comments

  1. People always say “relationships are just friendship plus sex”, but then they talk about “the spark”, “chemistry”, “crushes” and other things that don’t seem to be just friendship or just sexual. Most, if not all, of my relationships have been just friendship plus sex, I’ve never had that romantic spark/chemistry that people talk about.

  2. Shower thought: If I was a Bond villain, he’d be dead in the first 20 minutes of the movie and I’d rule the world within an hour.

    Tuesday Truth: People are only as good as their actions, not their words.

    Yule Ball trip #2 this week with the woman ive been seeing the longest. I doubt I’ll enjoy it anymore the 2nd time, but I will get to have some adult time on this trip.

  3. She has agreed to do the 8 exercises in the “8 Dates” book by the Gottmans. I am so excited to be able to nerd out on this together 😀

  4. Advice for NOT dating over thirty?? Not sure where to post.. coming out of a 9 year relationship. Gave OLD a try and had some nice dates with a couple different guys, one of whom I scared off bc he thought I wanted a relationship already 😅

    I do not want a relationship, I would like to find a solid FWB but I’ve decided to end the search and focus on myself. How do I develop my singleness again? Any books I can read for advice?! TIA

  5. Mindset change!!

    When I was using dating apps before, I felt like I *needed* to go on dates, connect with people, etc. since I had the apps on my phone. It was very compulsory.

    Now it’s more just like, I have the apps yes, but I don’t feel forced to use them often. Feels nice!

  6. Truth: I’m surprised at how hurt I am to discover he has a *whole* family.

    Context: we’ve been seeing each casually for three months. Then this weekend we went on a trip and had an amazing time. We both were surprised at how good of a fit it was.

    I looked him up on fb just now. His wife is beautiful and the family looks so happy. I asked him many many times if he was single and he always confirmed he was.

    I’m not sure how I missed this or how I allowed it to happen.

    And I’m genuinely disappointed in everything about this situation.

  7. It is so unbelievably depressing to me how many people on the apps have their political preference listed as apolitical or moderate. Huge deal breaker for me and I’ve been quite shocked to see how common it is lately. Must be nice to not care about the world around you 🫠

  8. I will likely be breaking things off with a woman I’ve been on dates with for the past 2 months or so. We click on a lot of things, but I didn’t feel the romantic spark to want to progress toward an official relationship. I feel a bit bad, I think that’s somewhat natural any time you have to reject someone, but know it’s necessary. Nothing bad about her, but I’m just not feeling it.

  9. Had 3 first dates in 3 days:

    1. Got dinner, then drinks. Good chemistry, would be interested in seeing her again. She ghosted.
    2. Got drinks. No chemistry, neither reached out.
    3. Got drinks. Good chemistry and she’s attractive but think there’s a personality incompatibility. She’s a VP at her company and is a very driven, ambitious, extroverted type. I have a good paying job but more laidback and relax. Simply a type A vs type B clash.

    No other prospects except a possible date on Sunday but since it’s so far away, not having high hopes with that one. Had a FWB reach out last week, might have to take up on her.

  10. Guys, do you like it when women smell nice? I mean, of course you do. But do you have a preference for natural scent vs. using fragrances? I don’t use any scented products aside from lavender Dr. Bronner’s in the shower (which washes away and doesn’t leave a scent), and natural lavender deodorant. I feel like I smell good, but probably very neutral. I am sensitive to artificial fragrances so I use unscented laundry detergent, lotions, etc. And I just started thinking, what do I smell like? When I hug my guy friend he smells really nice, like warm clean laundry and whatever deodorant he wears, and it makes me happy. But if someone hugs me, what do they smell? I have no idea. Or maybe the smell doesn’t really mean much unless it’s attached to the feelings you have for the person.

    I’m not going to start dousing myself in fragrance all of the sudden, I am just having some Tuesday shower thoughts, haha.

  11. Date 2 with Hot Hinge Guy is tonight at 5pm. We’re meeting for dinner again, as there’s not a lot to do around here (rural Midwest), but have already discussed finding an activity to do over the weekend in the closest city. So I’m anticipating date 3 too, assuming tonight goes well. Texting has continued smoothly over the past couple days. Staying grounded so far, but I can see potential.

  12. Things ended yesterday with a guy I’d been dating for the last 2 months.
    I’m actually excited to get back on the apps later this week.
    We’ll see how long this excitement lasts… I give it 24 hours before I’m back to my jaded self.

  13. My ex and I broke up 7 years ago, it was a long distance relationship. He dumped me and I was hurt but after a few years it was cordial. Then I realized he start stalking my social media stuff and I told him not to. He still did and texted me again recently to say he is in my home country. I finally blocked him

  14. I’m apprehensive about continuing a relationship with a guy who is going back to a work schedule of 4 days away* a week, every week. (*away meaning staying 4 days continuously in a different city)

    Isn’t dating supposed to be spending more time together, not less? 🫠

  15. Even though I’m going to a work thing in the city my crush lives in tomorrow, looks like we might not get a change to meet up this time since it’s such an awkward middle-of-the-week-busy-time for both us. his flatmate also has someone staying with them for the week, and the flat is tiny, so me being there on top just makes no sense. We’ve been trying to find ways to squeeze in a quick hangout (he asked today what time I’ll arrive and if have time before the work thing, I asked if he can do lunch tomorrow but he’s got meetings and I have an afternoon appointment with a patient of mine, so not even sure I’ll be able to get back in time if we do meet up) it’s all a bit annoying since I really want to see him, but my god the grind of life is a bit… much this week.

    I’ve also checked my period app and im due to start soon. I’m going back to his city on sat and we’re definitely seeing each other, but with my luck it’ll probably start then.

    Work has been pretty mad and I’ve been struggling with motivation to do anything. I am still productive and manage to tick off most of my to-do lists, but my god it’s difficult this time of year. I need to listen to Dr Huberman more and go out to catch morning sunlight, since I think this dip in my mood is 100% sun related. I’m also giving myself some slack at the moment to not overwhelm myself. I am almost done with making myself a new website – which is really cool, and I’ll start the look for a new job once I’m done with that. It’s weird to see how much I’ve actually done and accomplished when it comes to art having it all laid out in one place. I’ve also added so many older projects that now looking at them from a distance I’m able to appreciate the world and craftsmanship without being a massive perfectionist and damn, I’ve made some cool stuff.

    Local guy texted me yesterday to say he’s had a great time when we last saw each other, I confirmed I enjoyed it as well, but he didn’t ask to see each other again yet which is a relief actually, and I’d much rather figure out how I’m feeling and what I want to do with it all once I’m back from seeing my crush.

  16. My second date went really well last night. More kisses, some hand holding. Was great.

    Our third date was supposed to be coming on Saturday but it looks like her schedule is gonna be tricky. So hopefully it won’t be too long before we can get in an alternate day.

  17. *very exasperated sigh*

    So the women that I would consider a great friend, that yes I have a crush on but also really legit care for her beyond that…it would seem that it’s all effectively over. The friendship, the chatting, the connection, the everything. If she went through with what she says she needs to do, then it’s beyond unlikely her and I can continue talking, being friends, whatever. This is someone I’ve talked to in some capacity essentially everyday for the last 2 and a half years. Don’t feel great about this. Not sure if I can say I feel bad either. Right now it’s more just a general numbness.

    Maybe I never should have let it go this long, maybe this was always the outcome to this. The basic logic for why she’s doing (already did last night?) this now is probably something a lot of people would agree with if they knew the basic details… maybe if any users here vaguely recognize my username and possibly recall times I’ve posted about her might be inclined to say/think “I told you so” or “I saw that coming” or similar notion… and yeah, I can see why that’s the line of thinking.

    Honestly it’s a conflict within myself as I can also understand it on some level, but given the more exact details I actually have about everything, I feel very strongly that….it’s more nuanced and complicated than basic logic would seemingly apply to? If that even makes sense. Maybe I’m “in too deep” to truly think objectively here? I WANT to say I’ve been able to keep “those feelings” separated from the basic human side, the friend side of it all…maybe I’m being naive about that. Hard to say.

    So I have been vague, and I guess if I was a user reading this thread I would have been annoyed with how vague I’ve been, but fuck it I guess I’ll give the basic brief description, which feels like the context and details I don’t have the time or mindset to best lay out here, but that’s the risk with posting at all I guess.

    If it wasn’t obvious, yes my friend is married. And basically the thing she’s doing is she believes she needs to tell him about “us”. Now, nothing romantic or sexual has happened between us, it’s more that she’s confided in me, over time, all the ways her husband is (my words) a piece of shit. I’ve been someone she can talk to about all the stress and yelling and abuse…apparently it has previously been physical in some way, that part she’s been vague on when this was or in what way, but in my mind the mental abuse part is not any better, and it’s been more long term. It’s things that the vast majority of people who if they experienced even a tenth of what she’s told me about in someone they were dating, it would be red flag city, a “NOPE” situation, a “RUN, NOW” feeling. But, of course, she’s given this the whole “well he wasn’t always like this” defense. Sigh.

    Anyway, she “feels guilty” that she’s been having these conversations with me, because she’s been on this notion that she needs to feel like she’s doing everything she can to fix the marriage (she’s not even religious, so it’s not a religious guilt). In my mind, she’s given way more than enough of her effort and he’s blown off basically all of her attempts, that’s she’s already given the marriage and him specifically far too many chances to get better already. I try to be supportive of her while hoping she would finally really see how untenable trying to fix the marriage is. I also don’t feel great reducing her to some kind of “well she’s an abuse victim and they often defend their abuser” type armchair analysis like I even fucking know what I’m talking about.

    If she tells him that she’s been having talks with me (there’s no context in which he already knows me, I’ve never met him), that’s she’s been telling some guy many of their relationship issues and what not, he’s gonna blow up. She already knows this will anger a man who is quick to anger about petty shit. And she even insinuated she probably needs to delete our text convo and she suggested that she’ll write my number down somewhere else just in case.

    Either way, if she does or did this, well for one I am scared of his reaction, his blow up, his yelling, his whatever to it in general that he’ll do to her. She even admitted if she tells him then he gets a free excuse to be mad about that and to not focus on himself and things he needs to fix. And like, that’s my thing, he has a multitude of issues and behavior and all that already that makes him a shit person, regardless of if I ever met her or what level of friendship her and I have. Her hiding me as some secret friend she tells stuff about him to is like her one “being a bad wife” move she’s feeling guilty about, he has 900 examples of “being a bad husband/person in general” that he doesn’t seem to give a shit about improving on.

    Or even if he did want to improve, which I have serious doubts he actually can change that much, it seems like it should have been too late for this marriage to work. He can be some great guy for someone else if he changes, but my friend deserves far better than to wait and see if he ever can, he’s done enough damage to her that getting all this leeway just don’t sit right with me. And now here she is, saying she needs to be transparent and fully honest to “know” she’s tried “everything” to fix things, knowing that it’s going to cause a huge blow up fight because that’s just his default state, and subsequently it would basically end our friendship too. Of course he will demand she stops talking to me, and I’m afraid she’s just going to go along with that demand.

    Yeah, I feel very very numb right now. We last communicated via text at about 11:15pm and I’m just unsure when or if she went through with it yet, or will today, and I don’t even know if I’ll ever actually find out.

    Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

  18. I’m taking an extended work trip again out to where the guy I fell for last year lives. We had cut things off when I left last spring but our feelings remained. We talked for a little while until I decided to cut contact because the situation at the time wasn’t feasible and it was painful to feel like I could almost have it but not quite. We got back in contact a couple months ago after he wrote me a letter but he almost immediately had a family tragedy. I tried to have a firm friendship line but be there to support him, which was fine for about a month. He, quicker than I would have thought, let me know he doesn’t see me as just a friend and wanted to pursue that. I agreed but then he didn’t. I mean we message daily and have somewhat longish conversations but they’re all safe topics. When we were dating before we had really been getting vulnerable in the best way. I tried to flirt (made a dirty but not overt comment) but he essentially shut it down saying even though it gave him butterflies he wanted to wait to have a big picture conversation in person. We’ve made plans to see each other and have a couple weekend trips and activities planned. I’ll stay with him a few days when I first get there I’m so excited but nervous to see him again. I don’t understand the pushing for nonplatonic and then shutting down the sexual side, especially because we were downright animals in bed together. It makes me wonder if he still likes me and what he’s even wanting to do. I told him I want to get properly reacquainted before having any decision making conversations. I won’t be up for a friends with benefits situation but I’m not ready to commit to a relationship unless I can see that he’s in a good space to do so also (and wants to). I’m just so excited but so nervous, he’s expressed a similar sentiment. We both dated other people while we weren’t talking but it only seemed to make it more clear that despite the logistical challenges there was something special here that just might be worth it.

  19. Absolutely gutted. Met the most amazing person – intellectual and physical chemistry, kind, open, brave, funny, the kind of person I could see as a real life companion. He told me on the first date he doesn’t know if he wants to stay here (and from the way he is speaking he definitely wants to go imo – probably to another country). I wanted to give it time and space to see what would happen – not like he is going next week – and not like I am tied here 100%. But he said last night (4th date) let’s just be friends. I’m gutted. It’s so hard to meet someone that I really click with like that. I totally get him feeling cautious but damn I wanted so much to just enjoy time with someone special. I’ve been single for over two years and it is just so hard for my loving heart.

  20. We’ve sort of… Transitioned away from FWB with Museum Guy and I guess into actual dating. Agreed to be exclusive too, which was a relief. I was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable about the idea of him actively dating/sleeping with others, but also because if I knew we were just casual, I would’ve felt the pressure to be with someone else too and after the flash romance with Sparks Guy, I’m so done with dating multiple people and introducing more of that emotional chaos into my life. I’d rather just see what happens with Museum Guy and let this thing run its natural course, however long that lasts.

    It’s kind of funny… We ended up discovering by accident that we’re both into a dom/sub dynamic in the bedroom and BDSM in general, which makes sense in hindsight because since the beginning, Museum Guy has been *so* emotionally healthy and compassionate with everything I’ve ever shared with him. We talk, share, negotiate, do aftercare and give feedback after every time we sleep together, and that practise has bled into our friendship/relationship communication style as well. If I say I like a certain thing, he makes a note to do it next time. Case in point, I said I feel a bit unsure about his feelings for me because he never compliments me, and lo and behold, the next time we saw each other he complimented my date getup. Another time I said I miss him and wish we could see more often, but understand that his work takes priority and it’s something that can’t be helped. And he went and adjusted his schedules so that he could come and see me one evening during a busy time of his job. He reaches out to me, plans dates, makes an active effort to share me stuff he knows are interesting to me and is just generally a sensitive, kind person. And because he’s like that, I find myself naturally wanting to reciprocate, make him feel good and take care of him as well. I’m a terrible cook, but I want to make an active effort to make him good food or at least sort out his favourite takeaway. I keep his favourite drink in the fridge and buy gluten free biscuits when I know he’s coming over. I massage his sore muscles after he’s been on a run. I consider myself a “strong independent woman” (😤 lol) and never really wanted to cook or take care of my partners because pfft, he should take care of himself… And yet doing these things for him feels good and effortless and not like I’m “compromising myself” or giving away my power or something. I get that the specific way that we have sex is a fast track into deep intimacy and something to be mindful of as the relationship develops, but this thing feels… Balanced, and healthy. And kind of almost boring because it’s so predictable and calm?

    In my past relationships we both kind of just sleepwalked into it and hoped it would work out, not giving it much thought beyond “Is everything alright? Yep? Cool.” But this dynamic with Museum Guy feels open, honest and intentional. I almost don’t know what to do with myself, and looking back at the last three months, I’m realising I’ve just been… Actively trying to self-sabotage non-stop since I met him. Keeping him at an arm’s length, minimising/dismissing my emotions, getting involved with someone else who was clearly not available, making bad decisions with other close people in my life… Jesus fucking Christ. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Was watching this [Anna Akana video about intimacy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2-eDyrSUxs) yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

    Yes, I’ve got an appointment booked with my therapist. 😅 This was definitely a Tuesday for realising some truths.

  21. My date last night was way cuter than I was expecting based on his pictures! A reminder of why I say yes when I’m on the fence, even if more often than not I’m disappointed!

  23. So…I have a potential to have a FWB and I’ve never navigated these waters before. Is it weird to ask for like a first date to at least get to know him? I don’t wanna just jump in bed…also don’t want to have a relationship as I’m recently separated and no one should deal with me right now as I’m still trying to repair my feelings for my ex husband. Is it weird to get to know the person you want to sleep with? Will I catch feelings this way? He’s only down for something not serious so I gather that’s what he meant lol (sorry I’m very new to the game)

  24. I’ve got my first date tonight in a long time.

    I woke up this morning with a distinct “ehhh… I don’t really want to” feeling 🫤

    I think it’s partly that we haven’t connected very much yet. And partly that he slowed down the communication even further once we started scheduling. My expectations and interest are both super low now.

    At least I won’t be too disappointed if he flakes?

    I think I’ll still go through with it if we both confirm by a reasonable point this afternoon. But I’m also going to have backup plans for the night.

  25. Tomorrow is D day! Not sure how it will be accepted since she is trying to prep for her interview in jan so nervous if she will hit the pause button or reject entirely due to her being busy…

  26. I’m in my very own chapter of 50 shades of grey…
    I’m an anxious preoccupied type (I fall in love and get obsessed over the other person very quickly due to some childhood trauma shit and it’s like hell)… but I’m starting to explore a very sexual thing (can’t even name it relationship lol) right now. Basically love or commitment isn’t on the table. He’s everything I want but I can only have sex… sex is amazing btw. Anyway my therapist told me he’s yet again another emotionally unavailable guy so this is gonna be very tricky for me to navigate… but I can’t afford to say no to this experience, it’s so hot and it makes me feel alive despite all the fear of being hurt and not getting my emotional needs met… anyway I don’t know what I got myself into it’s gonna be a wild ride.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like