Apologies in advance if this isn’t the right sub for this kind of post, I didn’t get many responses on the relationship/dating focussed subs.
A couple months ago I started talking to a girl in my class who I sit next to. We seemed to get along, so I asked her out and she said yes. We’ve been on four dates now, and I think things are going smoothly, but I have no idea what to do going forward. Neither of us have any prior dating/relationship experience, and we’re both very shy.
I still haven’t kissed her, and I feel like I should have done that by now. The most physical contact we’ve made is hugging after the dates we went on. I was the one to initiate the hug every time, and they were all quick, and it didn’t seem like she was that into it. She also doesn’t sit very close to me in class which bothers me a little bit. I could tell she was very shy before I even spoke to her, and I know she’s just not used to physical contact or intimacy, but I still can’t help feeling bad about it.
After our last date I told her that I like her as more than a friend. I know it should’ve been obvious to her, but I just prefer to be clear about my intentions. (Several times in the past I’ve been on what I thought were dates, but the girl I asked didn’t realize it was a date, and I didn’t want that to happen again.) She reassured me that she knew we were dating, but she didn’t tell me she liked me back. Probably not a big deal, but I still would’ve felt better if she did.
It’s difficult for me to fully accept that she likes me. Logically I know that she does, cause she wouldn’t keep going out with me if she didn’t, but I can’t shake the subconscious feeling that she’s just being nice, or that she’s just too shy to reject me. I’ve had many bad experiences in the past that have made it hard for me to believe that some people could actually like me, even if it’s really obvious. Even when people tell me they like me (platonically or otherwise) I often think they’re lying.
I have two main concerns that I’d like to address:
1. How do I get over my inability to accept that she likes me? I mean, she clearly does, right? She wouldn’t be dating me if she didn’t, but I can’t help being bothered by the things I mentioned earlier (not telling me that she likes me back after I told her, seeming a bit distant when we’re in class together, being unenthusiastic about me hugging her, etc.) Other than those minor things, everything seems to be going very well. I guess I just want some reassurance.
2. How do I make her more comfortable with physical contact/intimacy? I assume she’s at least open to it since she’s dating me, but it never feels like there’s a good moment to make a move. She doesn’t linger after I walk her to her car, we haven’t been to each other’s homes yet, and she’s only let me give her a ride once (It was on our most recent date, and it was after class so we were already together, I didn’t pick her up from anywhere). Like I mentioned earlier, the most we’ve done is hug, and she didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. I really don’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I feel like I need to kiss her soon, otherwise it’ll never go anywhere.
I know this post seems to highlight a lot of negative aspects of our relationship, but I really hope it doesn’t give the wrong impression. I tend to hyperfixate on minor negative details, but overall I think things are going well between us. She seems to genuinely enjoy spending time with me, she puts effort into engaging in coversation, she texts me first whenever we haven’t spoken in a while, etc. It feels to me like all the problems that I mentioned have to do with her being shy and unexperienced, plus me being insecure.
Tl;dr The girl I’m dating and I are both shy and have no relationship experience. Despite contuining to go out with me, she seems a bit reserved, so it’s hard to escalate things romantically and be physically intimate, and I haven’t even been able to kiss her yet. How do I make her more comfortable so that we can progress the relationship?
4 comments
Touch her hand as you are alone and sitting next to her. When she makes eye contact kiss her. Try to be in a romantic place though first
You face down your fear.
Spend more time together. Start shifting away from formal dates to just time together.
Watch funny movies at home together.
Talk about more personal subjects. If it doesn’t come naturally, sit down and think about what you might ask ahead of time. Past relationships and crushes both moves the relationship a bit more in that direction and helps you learn a lot. And you also disclose. Intimacy isn’t just physical.
But it’s possible that wouldn’t be a big subject between you two since you are just starting, so important experiences while growing up can also be part of connecting more. Where you grew up, what the different places where like and meant to you, which subjects you enjoyed most in school, how that related to personal interests and ways of relating to knowledge and the world, that type of thing.
Occasionally take her to do something more surprising.
Well, if you’re interested in going forward with the relationship, it’s important to talk about it with her. Worst case scenario, she isn’t interested in taking the next step, and you can move on with yourself. Best case scenario, you get to discus how the two of you would like to escalate things with good boundaries for each other. It sucks, if she doesn’t want to escalate, but all in all, doing nothing will bring everything to a halt eventually anyway. Best of wishes to you!