Custom apologies for not being a native English speaker and typing this from my phone.
So, I recently realised that over the past year, three of my ONS-to-potential-FWB were ruined by environmental factors: the disgusting state of their rooms/place.
Given that every time it happened, I was more or less lost about how to address the problem, I’m asking you Reddit, for a way to address what the real problem is, with the least amount of damage to them. In the past, I just told them I wasn’t interested in more, but that was at most a partial truth. It didn’t deal with the real issue, and knowing it could maybe help them. At least, they could make an informed decision about their next course of action.
I was thinking of either going with
– “do you often have ONS that don’t lead to anything more even if you both seemed to vibe during sex?.. Have you thought about how the state of your room could distract someone from engaging in sex? That is the case for me and why I don’t plan on more”
OR
– “you know how there are different aspects at play in everyone’s attraction/lust, one of them being environmental? Well, this aspect may be turning off some people of you, giving the messiness of your room. That happened to me with you, which is why I won’t engage further”
Thoughts on that? Yes, I know it will always hurt hearing that, but my objective is to lessen the sting.
Edit :Most people seem to think there is no way it could be said and taken onboard by the receiver of said critics, so I’ll let it go. Case closed, thanks for the answers!
7 comments
Can you invite them to your place instead?
Don’t bother explaining it. It’s not worth the emotional stress
Just move on with your life
[deleted]
I’m sure that by the time you got to this point the topic has come up many times and it should not be a surprise.
You’re not their parent, their therapist or their life coach.
So accept them the way they are, or don’t be with them.
It isn’t your job to fix them.
You almost found some insight. You said you don’t invite people over to your (presumably spotless) place because then you couldn’t flee. So, people who invite you over don’t care about fleeing from creeps. They’re already in a different headspace from you.
How crazy would you personally have to be to invite a stranger over to hook up? Is it about the same amount of crazy that would lead to a totally gross house?
I don’t think this is your job.
If it is an act of Charity and you really want to let them know, this is one of those times “no good deed goes unpunished” applied. It is going to be emotionally and relationally costly to state this. It is not your responsibility, it is actually theirs, however if you want to pay the price for them, expect them to get mad at you.
The best way would probably be with tact and Grace, sit down and be sincere. Alternatively, some people might appreciate you not making a big deal and just making a joke like “yes sorry bro, after I saw your room I knew there was no way I could fuck you”😅
It may lighten the impact but still get the message across…. There’s not really a nice way to do this, it’s more so for the person’s long-term health. You personally wouldn’t be able to benefit from it it would just be for them and potential future partners. However, I doubt most people are unaware.