I’m(34F) super confused about the situation I’m in with 30 M. We’ve been seeing each other for almost 3 months. Things are going really well. He’s introduced me to his friends at Thanksgiving, join in on group calls with his out of state family, and we’ve gone on actual dates(He’s confirmed they are dates). I have stayed the night at his place, but waited a month. I even overheard him call me his girlfriend at said Thanksgiving.
But he says we aren’t dating when I brought up the “what are we” conversation. Why? “Cause he needs a fresh start”. He wants to get a new job and live in a better housing situation. I’m afraid of wasting my time even though things are going well.
I’m also reeling from the last guy I dated earlier in the year for a month who decided early on I wasn’t his person. He liked me enough to keep going on dates, no overnights, but was too scared to say he wasn’t interested.
What is the big deal about commitment? Why do people waste other’s time when they know they don’t want a future with them? Does it sound like I’m wasting my time or should I give it a chance?
49 comments
30m here. I’m in the exact same shoes as you except after realizing I was used. Ex “gf” became emotionally distant after realizing the relationship was no longer convenient for her. Our friends meeting each other and our parents finding out about each other. OP you may have overlooked some serious red flags as I did in hoping that this relationship would work out. Please take care of yourself or you may be used.
You asked what you were and he said you aren’t dating. If you want to date either tell him you want to date or cut your losses and move on.
He straight up told you that you aren’t dating. Move on.
He said you weren’t doing. So there is no relationship. Doesn’t really matter what hes doing on zoom calls
This confuses me too. I was dating a guy for 3 months recently – he was the nicest person I think I’ve ever dated, always keeping in touch and planning dates – and then he tells me he can’t commit to anything for xyz reason. It’s baffling to me.
That being said, I drop these people and move on. I want to be getting a “FUCK YES” from someone, rather than confusion or a wish washy answer. I personally do not want to waste any time on these people, as much as it hurts to move on.
Sounds like you’re a placeholder.
What are y’all’s dating goals? Optimally, what does that look like timeline wise?
My thought is he knows he’s not ready for a LTR and you don’t want to wait for him to be ready.
Went through this situation with the last guy I “dated.” (Wrote about him in my post history) we met everyone in each others lives, he took me to events, spent weekends together, talked every night on the phone, etc. when it came time to shit or get off the pot, he ended it. If a guy doesn’t want you as his hell yes, it’s a hell no. You will never be confused with the right guy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think they are afraid they’re missing out on something else. Who knows?
I don’t do mixed signals or wishy-washy behavior anymore, too old and busy for that. It’s either a yes or no at this point in my life and that’s how I appreciate people I date too. I’m not going to waste anyones time and I’m not going to have mine wasted.
If you’re not dating, what are you doing?
That’s a hypothetical question. It seems obvious you’re dating. If he’s unwilling to put a label like “dating” on things, you should be unwilling to continue to provide him with dating-related perks.
I mean.. at the risk of sounding insensitive, here’s my take:
He doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. He said you aren’t dating. He’s made that clear.
What you have sounds like a situation of convenience. He gets to parade you in front of his family so they think he has a girlfriend. He gets to have fun with you going out when he wants, and sex sometimes as well. He introduces you to his friends so they don’t tease him about not having a girl. The situation works for him right now, and he’s in no rush to explore anything deeper.
Don’t take my word for it obviously. You need to have these discussions with him.
But that’s how it sounds to me.
That’s fucked up, but things are not going well if he doesn’t even want to admit you’re dating after 3 months. I would just stop talking to him. He doesn’t like you that much. It sucks because people can act like they do, but often they’re just doing it because they’re lonely or love the attention. But they don’t actually like you as a person.
> Why? “Cause he needs a fresh start”. He wants to get a new job and live in a better housing situation.
Weird amorphous stuff like this that isn’t related to dating at all is the modern equivalent of “it’s not you, it’s me.” except with the undertone of “we can keep fuckin though and I’d like you to keep fulfilling the emotional needs of a dating partner.”
> I’m afraid of wasting my time even though things are going well.
It’s been 3 months. He said you aren’t dating and the things he’s claiming to need to sort out before you can date are entirely out of your control. I’d cut bait on this one.
Cut this man out asap. You’re a comfortable placeholder for him.
What prompted you to initiate the “what are we” conversation? It’s definitely odd for him to refer to you as a girlfriend to his friends but express the complete opposite later, so I’m just curious to know if his behavior changed before you decided to ask about your relationship status.
He wants companionship without the responsibilities and implications that come with it. You’re effectively engaging in a committed relationship in everything but name. All this means is that there’s this mental block that keeps him from verbally committing, even though he’s investing in you. There’s no way around it. You can stick around and hope he changes. Maybe three years from now you two are in a good spot. Or maybe it’s three years of fighting for every inch until he realizes he can’t keep dragging out the fact that he won’t ever give himself fully to the relationship. Who knows. I’ve been through it and wouldn’t recommend it, but who’s to say your situation wouldn’t be different.
I think it’s human nature to want to be in a long-term committed relationship, but a lot of people find that during the process, they aren’t ready, they’re not sure (maybe thinking there could be better), they have trauma, they chicken out or are afraid of losing their independence, etc.
At the end of the day, I think true commitment – maybe for men? the thought that they now have to be responsible for someone else or need to be the breadwinner or blah blah could be a huge responsibility that they’re not ready for.
I may be completely wrong but it seems like he wanted to show you off to his friends and go on dates to feel good and etc. But in the back of his mind he is either thinking I can do better (still actively pursuing other girls). Or he is scared of commitment (the real deal kind). Sorry that totally sucks.
Because some people get freaked out and start behaving differently when commitment is mentioned. If things are going very well, i don’t rock the boat by attaching any labels which might trip them out
Move on. He’s actively told you that you’re not dating. Don’t let him string you along for months on end because he’s a child who can’t commit but wants all the benefits of a relationship.
Not sure where you two live, but where I come from, what you two are doing is definitely dating. Now, whether it’s committed, bf/gf dating, that’s another story.
Based on his comments, it sounds like he doesn’t want commitment, but likes getting the benefits from it. His excuses are dumb. If you’re into someone, you don’t need a new job and a better house to commit.
So either he can give you what you want, or you move on. At three months, it’s time to shit of get off the pot, dude!
This is the result of the “Hook Up” culture, everyone believes in the *possibility* of something better being around the corner and then being what that possible person wants but never look long and hard in the mirror and ask themselves what the *probability* of that actually happening so they give up on what’s right in front of them over *What Ifs*.
Clarify what his intentions are for you, state what you truly want and if they done match then do what’s best for you, his past traumas that lead him to give mixed signals is not fair and nor is it your problem.
It will hurt a while but you’ll be better off in the long run.
>What is the big deal about commitment? Why do people waste other’s time when they know they don’t want a future with them?
People have zero issues using other people as placeholders until something shinier comes along.
They are easy to spot though. Imagine having the exclusivity discussion a month in. Just saved ya 2 months there. Don’t be afraid to ask early on.
>Cause he needs a fresh start”. He wants to get a new job and live in a better housing situation
He’s not into you.
Move on.
I think we are all experiencing the same things. Dated a guy for two months and he ghosted me after I tried to initiate a conversation about seeing each other more often, one day being in an exclusive relationship, long term goals of marriage and babies, etc. He ran for the hills and couldn’t even suck it up to text me a “no thanks” text after the fact! It sucks. It hurts. I’m sad.
It will one day work out for all of us, we have to be strong! And I know that for myself when I meet my person I’ll count my blessings every single day and thank god for him. I’m so ready for that day tho.🥹
Edited – I didn’t answer your question, sorry! I would say pass. Men tell you who they are up front. If he said you aren’t dating, take him for his word and peace out. Your time is too valuable. I saw this TikTok where they said “girls chase & women replace.” I LOVE that.
Is it wrong to want to take it slow? I’ve been “dating” this girl for about a month. No convos of what we are yet but I see potential. We see eachother once a week and go on nice dates. I just don’t want to add the unnecessary pressure and expectations that comes with labels. FWIW, I just came off a LTR and I’ve enjoyed alot of my alone time lately which I lost when I got serious. Am I wrong here?
I thought your post was gonna be different based on the title, but either way, there’s plenty of people out here that want commitment, he’s just not one of them.
I think it’s fair for him to take his time committing to you, and for you to reserve commitment as your dealbreaker.
Make it clear to him that commitment is a non-negotiable, but that you’re certainly willing to be flexible and accommodating. I think it would be fair to drop this conversation, and revisit it in a couple months down the road. If he’s still hesitating about commitment, knowing it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you’re completely in the right to walk away.
Commitment looks and feels like different things depending upon who you are, and what your experiences have been. Some people move slower – some faster, and I think both are understandable.
Set a boundary for yourself, and drop the conversation. See if he has any feedback about his hesitation toward committing, and try to understand what is influencing that for him. No need to do more than listen. It is a fair topic, and it is reasonable to provide an appropriate amount of breathing room, so long as you have clear boundaries about where flexibility and patience ends for you.
I think in dating things sometimes work counter-intuitively for whatever reason: more space granted, less space needed sort of thing. And again, this isn’t always the case, but since you’ve both come this far and seem to have integrated well in each other’s lives – it may be fair to establish a personal boundary, while giving him a bit of time and space to sort out his end
I’m not usually going out with people that I don’t want commitment with. But I feel that sometimes I am not finding people that I am very attracted to and are also compatible with me. Usually I have to pick one or the other. So if I manage to do the effort of going out with that person so we can have some kind of relationship (sex and company), I will be the one not wanting commitment, because I don’t see myself living with this person, having her as my only woman until I die (hopefully).
There might be guys that “went their own way” and don’t want commitment with nobody, even supermodels. But in my case, it means I don’t see either intellectual compatibility or much attraction between us. Sometimes things like this change as love can happen and make issues seem minor, but in the end, if someone is not wanting commitment, it means they don’t like you enough or they don’t want monogamy and a partner.
His ‘fresh start’ can happen while dating you or while not dating you, so I don’t get it either. He said ‘no’, though, so I’d take him at his word and decide what you’re going to do based on that.
Someone should be holding themselves back from committing to another person for fear of scaring them away not acting like it’s a hassle.
Bc going good is your persective
Still evaluating is often a man’s perspective.
These are the explanations I have heard:
– It’s the “why do we have to put a label on things”. What we have is what we have, we both enjoy it and each other, why does anything else matter?
– Why women are so hell bent on wanting to know “what we are” instead of just enjoying the right here, right now. The here and now is what we have so why not just enjoy that?
– If it really takes a label for us to enjoy each others company, do we actually enjoy each-other or just the idea of each-other.
– The label becomes a crutch. Once people label things officially they stop doing the things they did to ‘win’ each other. (like we’re bf/gf now so all the cutesy things we used to do to win each other tend to wane).
– Some guys, they prefer the solo-poly/partner lifestyle. Dating confines them, and they can be less themselves.
Not saying that’s my opinion, just that this is how it was explained to me.
If he likes you, you’ll know, if he doesn’t, you’ll be “confused.”
Commitment means more work, this isn’t rocket science. You’re giving them the ability to be with you without any commitment, so of course that’s what they’re doing.
Literally in the same situation. Needed this thread.
I made it clear with the guy I’ve been seeing what I want which is a relationship (it was clear on my OLD profile from the start). I don’t need him to commit but I just want him to know and that we both want to work toward that. His response was vague af and he tried to brush aside the conversation.
Advice I’m taking from this thread:
It’s better to cut my losses early on and move on.
It’s either a hell yes or it’s a no.
Any more time invested in wishy washy is time I’m not spending find the person who is my HELL YES.
Well, problem solved. You aren’t dating. No need to answer any further calls or texts from this guy. He’s treating you like a FWB at the very best. Listen to what he said and stop going out with him.
Ah this is strange. I don’t really understand why people do this, I’m sure there’s multiple reasons but I would move on :/
I don’t think that’s even an issue of commitment. He won’t even say that you’re dating? But he refers to you as his girlfriend? What a mind fuck.
Move on. Maybe his reasons are true for him, but this is genuinely ridiculous.
From my perspective, as a guy and someone who *reeeeeally* used to look for answers to those very same questions, it’s possible that you could in fact be overthinking it.
A lot of people (men and women) can really like you and enjoy their time with you, but for whatever reason already know of there being an expiration date. It can be related to a job, a move that’s already planned, a girl I know once dated a guy who was terminal, etc. It’s really more about your own expectations and what you want. A lot of people absolutely need definition at a certain point while some are fine just enjoying someone while they’re there. After my last situation, I went on a really deep and really long dive inward to figure out what my needs were. I pursued relationships at a certain point out of a fear of feeling alone or left out in regards to my friend group. Both extremely terrible reasons to go out finding someone or keeping them in a relationship with you.
I eventually came around through therapy and some really intense self reflection that I needed to be content with myself before I ran out looking for anything. I eventually came to appreciating one night stands and FWB situations a lot more and am actually still cool with the people I met after my change in perspective. Folks in this sub often times repeat the phrase “They don’t want a relationship with YOU.”, which I find to have an extremely detrimental consequence if not put into context. Someone not wanting a relationship with you isn’t the end of the world. 9 times out of 10, you can figure out exactly why someone stopped seeing you. It’s always going to be either you or them. If it’s them, leave it alone and move on. If you come to figure out it’s you, you either fix the issue if there even is one or just realize you weren’t the match you hoped you were and move on.
It sounds like this guy really likes you, but he had plans for himself before you ever showed up. Think about the fact that at least he’s being honest and not leading you on. Would you really want to keep him there if he doesn’t actually want to be there? Not with you, but your actual physical location. The basis of any relationship should be that you offer support and want happiness for the other person.
Think about when he leaves. Isn’t it worth ending on a good note in case things change in the future?
He’s just not that into you. I’m sorry. You need to cut the loss and move on, otherwise he’ll just keep wasting your time.
34F 30M.
This is a pretty big age difference. 34F who wants a family is on a time crunch. 30M who wants a family can dick around another 15 years before settling down. That’s what he’s doing.
You’re not dating so if that’s an issue for you, then stop spending time with him and find someone who wants to date you.
You shouldn’t be exclusively dating him if he doesn’t even say you’re dating. He’s keeping his options open by not defining anything, so you should follow suit or move on. Otherwise he’s going to really hurt you. He isn’t interested in commitment because he wants freedom. Right now, he’s getting you AND freedom, so why would he change?
I would say cut your losses. He wants a fresh start after he gets a better job and housing? So he’s saying he’s dating you for now but when he reaches these goals he wants to date someone else? That’s what it sounds like to me. There’s no reason you can’t date someone and work on other goals at the same time.
He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He likes you enough to be your friend or sleep with you. But that’s all.
So let me get this right. For almost three months you’ve been going on dates, having sex, expressing your interest in him, and when you ask him to date you he says no… because he wants a fresh start… Dump his ass
Because it’s not about you. That’s where your thinking is wrong. You think what he does, what he wants and what he needs is a reflection of you.
It’s not. It’s entirely about him.
Is it easier to call somone a girlfriend in public rather than friend and have everyone start questioning it? Yes. A lot. And it saves a lot of headaches for everyone involved. Except for you. For you this is obviously a problem.
Have the direct and honest conversation with him. “Am I seriously in your future?” If there answer is “No”, well that makes life easy. If it’s an “I dont know”, well, slightly more complicated but more direction.
Ask the hard questions.
OP, what do you look like? If you’re very attractive he might just be parading you around so people can see what he has. Also, how did you meet and start “dating?”
This is one of those “he told you how he feels, just listen” he said you weren’t dating.