My husband and I have a 1 year old. We are about to leave for a trip to AZ to visit his grandparents who are extreme Christians, racist, extremely old fashioned, etc. His grandpa groped me at my own wedding and his grandma is super 2 faced and has mumbled mean things about me under her breath (just painting a picture here, I’ve tried for years to like them and have played nice but I’m at the end of my rope.)
Anyways we’re supposed to leave in a week and I’m getting cold feet. Husband wants to go because we made a commitment to go. And he wants to try fishing with his grandpa 1 last time.. I get all that. However the plane ride is 2 and a half hours, then we have to travel another 2 hours after to get to his grandparents house. I whole heartedly DO NOT want to go. It would be our first time traveling with 1 year old. Husband knows how I feel. What would you do? Would you suck it up and go since we already made a commitment? Or cancel last minute?
Can I just hide in a cave for the next month please đ đ
43 comments
How long will you be there? Can he go alone? Can you stay at a hotel and do quick visits with baby and go back to the hotel? Baby has to nap…the flight with 1 year old won’t be too bad but the sleeping when not home sucks a lot… But, totally not selfish to not want to be someplace awful. I’d try and find a compromise for your husband’s sake, but then realized you don’t want to do it again… Or let him have his special grandparent time and weekend to himself!
His grandpa *groped you*?! Oh hell, no. Don’t go. How did your husband respond to this dirty old man putting his hands on you? WTF? Let husband go if he wants to. I’d stay home.
Can he just go himself? I donât think you are being selfish. They make you uncomfortable and you have boundaries you need to set. Be honest with him. My former in-laws were screaming, loud, and just awful. I told my MIL ago stop coming over uninvited and she was pissed but I have boundaries I need respected. I know itâs hard bc we have to accept our spouse and everything that comes with it but I donât think you are being selfish you just donât want to be in that shitty situation. Or just say the baby is sick and blame it on him/her đ
Just got back from Thanksgiving weekend away where the womenfolk craft and cook while the men game and go shooting, and half of them devolve into a screaming match by the end of day 2… so I get you. We do not go every year any more, my husband doesn’t leave me alone with everyone or go do activities that I’m not invited to, and we stay in a hotel. It was very offensive the first year (clearly we thought we were better than everyone else since we didn’t want to cram into the same house with 40 people) but guess what? Multiple people started getting hotels after that too. I’ve drawn boundaries but we’re there, I’m enthusiastic, I learn some of the traditions I can partially incorporate into our own lives and I get respect in other family situations (from people I do not like) because of it. Plus, my husband sees his cousins and my kids see their grandma and cousins. The benefits outweigh the negatives.
The first and most important question is, will your husband stand up for you to his grandparents if they treat you badly or step on your toes regarding your baby? If not, don’t go. If he gets that its uncomfortable but is willing to help you get space and back you up when you need it, suck it up and go. I’d say get a hotel so you have space (bring your baby monitor and put the baby pack n play in the bathroom- I know it sounds weird but it’s dark and baby can’t see you, naps and bedtime will go sooooo much better!) If you skip out and grandpa never goes fishing again or dies your husband might end up resenting you. Grandma might call and gossip about you to the other family who you actually have a good relationship with. In general you’ll just show that you’re the bigger person. Clearly don’t be in any situation where you’ll get groped again and don’t be alone with grandma while they’re out fishing- but chill in the backseat of the car and let grandma coo over the baby while you all go out to dinner, let your husband enjoy the time, bring it up regularly how happy you are that he was able to go fishing *one last time* with his grandpa- and you won’t have to worry about issues with anyone at the funeral, or anger that you distanced your husband from his family.
I’ll add my advice would be different if they lived closer or were younger- boundaries are very important- but it sounds like it’ll just be one uncomfortable trip where the benefits will outweigh the negatives for your family in general.
I would totally play the vaccine/RSV/flu season card and my toddler and I not go but give my husband all my best wishes with bonding time with his horrible family. Or stay at a hotel nearby and he can still see them and I’d be relaxing at the room.
I feel like Iâm absolutely insane reading these comments. His grandpa sexually assaulted you. Donât go. Full stop.
My husband even wanting to go would be a massive red flag for me.
Iâm sorry he put you in this position. You deserve better. I hope you have a great Christmas with your baby!
Did you tell your husband about what his grandfather did to you? If you did, he should not want to go
He groped you?! No way in hell you should go see him. Send husband on his way alone and then make him give you a spa day when he gets back since you got left with the kiddo for five days by yourself.
Why dont you just let him go by himself or with the baby? You will have some free time for yourself
1. It is a human right to change your mind.
2. Husband can go on his own.
3. You both can go and stay at a hotel if you feel safe enough and you truly find it to be the right thing to do. In that way you are in control of how much time you want to spend with them.
4. Do not âsuck it up â – make a plan and take control of the situation- do not go into the mindset of being a victim.
(Advice given based on being married for over 22 years)
I’m not sure anybody asked… but does your husband know about the gropping and bitchy talks?
I think drawing the line at not being around someone who assaults you is eminently reasonable.
Frankly, I find it rather odd that he still *wants* to spend quality time with people who treat you so poorly, let alone wanting to go fishing with the man who groped you. There aren’t many things that I’d expect my spouse to cut their family off for but that’s one of them.
However, accepting that people’s feelings about their family can be complicated, if he would regret not going then I think you should go on the trip – but not be around his family. The compromise should be that you’ll fly there with him, you’ll all stay at a hotel (and not with his racist groping relatives, yuck), and you will not participate in any gatherings or visits. If he wants to go fishing with his groping grandpa, fine, but you will be off exploring the city on your own.
This at least means you won’t be away from your very young child for a long time but also won’t be subjected to abuse and bigotry. It isn’t the ideal solution but if he insists on maintaining this family connection then I think it’s a decent compromise.
I vote you play the rsv/flu card and stay home and protect the baby and your mental health.
Not only do you not have to go see someone that groped you and is a racist jerk, but the 1 year old gives you a built in excuse to not go but for him to not have to start a fight with people it sounds like he might never see again. Flying with young kids isnât easy.
I would advise to cancel the trip . Suggesting on my personal experience. We travelled with our 4 month old to visit his grandparents and that journey was no less than nightmare.At the end of the day,a mother is all alone in such situations and has to deal these things alone.
The travel is the least of your worries. You should not be near his grandma since he SA you. Also scared for your LO. Donât go.
Dude I didn’t want to go to Christmas just because we have a 2 month old puppy and our family is a little “extra”.
No, you’re not the selfish one.
Old people get weird and I guess that’s an excuse your husband can have but if these fuckers are all there? I would question if my husband shared the same ideologies or was just hasn’t processed childhood trauma yet. Which you guys need to address ASAP.
No I donât associate with racists who canât keep their hands to themselves.
Few options he can go on his own that is not unreasonable they are elderly and it would be nice to do those special things reminisce and create lasting memories. Having a small child around can be hard for elderly people.
You can go but stay else where that way you have your space to be with little one and he can visit as he pleases and spend time with them. By doing this you are taking pressure off them to entertain and accommodate you all.
Or go and stay but two days tops.
Hard as family can be tricky, his grandfathers behavior is unacceptable and personally I wouldnât go based on that alone.
So heâs ok with you and your kid around a man who sexually assaulted you? Yeah they would be a dealbreaker for me.
Don’t ever sacrifice yourself for anyone (not even your husband). Life is too short.
When you said WE made the commitment did you agree to go without letting your feelings of dread be known⌠not that you arenât aloud âŚwith good reason to have a change of mind⌠but it could be a point of irritation with your husbandâŚ.youâll have to appeal to his empathy to understand your misgivingsâŚ
*****I have to disagree with those who suggested that traveling in general and ESPECIALLY flying with an one yr old is no problemâŚI (along everyone else on the plane)have had horrible stressful nightmares flying with both my kids and grandkids screaming nonstop for the entire 2-3 hour flightsâŚand I employed all the suggestions to avoid the problem to no avail!!!your husband will be kicking himself in the ass if he insists you follow thru with the commitment and you both have to deal with a screaming baby and death stares from an entire plane full of passengers!! IT SUCKS!!you are not being selfish⌠youâre doing an entire plane full of people a huge favor!!!
Donât put yourself or your baby thru the stress of the trip plus your negative attitude (that your baby will feed off of)Tell youâre husband to GO..DO & BEâŚyou are not wanting to put an unnecessary weight on his fishing line (too muchâď¸)
Send a lovely message of disappointment that illness prevents you and the baby from traveling âŚmaybe include a heartfelt little gift (a couple fishing lures)?with a deep concern for their health during CovidâŚ
WTFEâŚitâs not worth cortisolâŚ
Kiss and hug and fking EXHALEâŚas you drop your understanding man at the airportâŚ.along with his fishing pole;)âŚ
Stay home with your baby. He can decide if he wants to go or not. Do not subject yourself or your baby to them. Your husband sounds like a coward for even wanting to go and not standing up to you. He can use the excuse that you are not comfortable flying with a baby yet and go without you if he wants to see them.
Your husband can go by himself. Sad that your baby got the croup at the last minuteâŚ
Really, with the flu and COVID as rampant as it is on trains, plains and buses. Just stay home. If theyâre racists, they wonât have kind words toward the baby either. If they were kind people, Iâd say suck it up and wear a mask while traveling, but that is not the case here.
Go no contact-hope you never have to see them again. He groped you at your wedding? That pretty much letâs you know where you stand. Your husband wonât take it well, but it really makes it easier for him at the end not to travel with baby.
If your husband had any respect for you, he would not put you in a situation where you had to deal with someone who groped you. I just can’t believe this.
He can go on his own
No, heâs being selfish for asking you to go.
Thereâs no reason for you to go so he can indulge going fishing with Granpa Handsy one last time. You donât have to deal with Granny 2-Face either.
tell him to go. you stay home.
Why does your husband want to see them? I’d cut off a family member if they groped my spouse.
I might could deal with a mean little old lady BUT a nasty old man??? Girl get the flu! Your baby girl needs a cold too. Tell your husband you understand and want him to go but you just can’t force yourself to do so!
Wtf is wrong with your husband that he has continued a relationship with someone who sexually assaulted you?
Not selfish. Groping by dirty grandpa = sexual assault.
You owe it to yourself to NOT go.
The grandpa *groped* you?!? Oh wow, hard pass. Especially with the Grandmother issues
Why canât your husband go by himself? Traveling is hard anyways and with a 1 year old?
I donât blame you, I would say that you feel bad and donât want to get them sick
You seem to be responding in comments to those who said you need to suck it up and go, and I want to lay out some food for thought on what those people glossed over…
– This man, your husbandâs grandpa, sexually assaulted you at your wedding. Meaning he had the gall to do that at an place where other family members were at the very least, within close proximity, and on a day meant to celebrate the intimate union of you and your husband no less.
– Iâm not sure what your husbandâs reaction to this groping was, or if you even told him, but if you didnât tell him you need to. If you did tell him, Iâm very concerned for you that he was then willing to have you and your infant visit this man and stay in his home.
– You will be in this groperâs home for FIVE DAYS. He was bold enough to disrespect you, your husband, and his own wife, by groping you at your wedding, exactly what do you think is stopping him from being way worse and escalating this behavior once heâs in the comfort of his own home? For five days and multiple nights. 2 hour car ride away from the airport. In an area that you donât know well.
– Are you even sure their set up allows you to sleep in the same room? That there are locks on their bathroom and bedroom doors? That you wonât be left vulnerable without your husband in the house for a bit at some point while he runs an errand with Grandma? Leaving you without hands to even fend for yourself if youâre holding your infant? Do they live in an area that has cell service so if you wanted to leave, and your husband didnât, you could still actually make it back with your rental car with your phoneâs GPS? Is there cell service there for you to call for help if needed? If grandma isnât kind to you already, and your husband doesnât think the groping was a big deal, who will be your ally at this house youâve never been to before, in an area you donât know, where you have no friends or family?
– DOES YOUR HUSBAND CARE THAT THIS MAN PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU AND THAT IT COULD ESCALATE IN THAT MANâS HOME? If not, and it seems he doesnât, for the love of Christ do not go with them. You are entitled to protect yourself and your infant, and youâre entitled to piss off your husband by refusing to go when heâs not doing his job of protecting you. Part of marriage, esp if he or his family care about anything biblical, is that a husband âcleaves unto his wifeâ and separates from his former nuclear family to do so. That means he prioritizes your interests and your safety above his grandparentâs wishes. He can go (I get that part, you canât change your family and you still may love them even if they are a**holes), but you shouldnât have to, and he should be more concerned about protecting your body and feelings of discomfort from this than he seems to be.
– Children tend to pick up on momâs anxiety (I used to teach at an early childhood center and itâs fascinating how different parents dropping the same kid tends to illicit different levels of anxiety in them…trust me when mom is anxious, the kid is too), so donât assume this wonât impact your little one. Having your guard up for 5 days means your 1 year old feeling your anxiety for 5 days. And hypervigilance around people who have exhibited predatory behavior isnât something women can just turn off, and for good reason. You can mask it and rationalize it and put on a good show in the name of family, but it will still be there, and your little one will definitely still feel it. And it wonât matter if youâre in another room, little kids pick up on the weirdest things from their caretakers even when there are walls separating them.
Listen, I know you want to be accommodating towards his family and if it werenât for the inappropriate sexual touching, I might suggest you try to suck it up and go. But once unwanted sexual touching is involved, itâs a whole different ball game, and thereâs a reason you donât want to go. Their being bigots, highly religious, and fairly old fashioned, may feel highly uncomfortable, but what youâre feeling isnât just discomfort, itâs angst about how unsafe this scenario feels for good reason. That instinct isnât wrong. Your wedding likely had your own people and family around, but you are going to be without those support systems in place, without yourself as the focus of an event (which provides some protection from someone groping since thereâs a spotlight on you).
Youâre not making a big deal out of nothing just bc grandpa âonlyâ grabbed your ass or tits (or maybe worse if he idolizes a certain former President). He groped you and felt entitled to do so in an event surrounded by family likely bc he counts on his family brushing things like that off. Iâd imagine thatâs also why his wife isnât nice to you, bc it feels easier in the moment to dislike the attractive younger women heâs around, than it feels to divorce him when everyone brushes his behavior off, so she directs the anger she has towards him onto the women he pays attention to. This woman will not be more protective of you when youâre in her home, she will be worse, and in the space where her instinct is likely to protect his best interests first. My bet is that she will try to hoard time with your child and become increasingly critical of your mothering, while you try to fend off Grandpaâs advances, your husband tries to pretend itâs not a big deal, and your little one is cranky and uneasy for a lot of it. My biggest concern is that Iâm not confident youâll be protected by your husband in this, and if you were, you wouldnât have made this post.
Whatever you decide to do, please donât feel obligated to go or to stay in scenarios that make you feel unsafe or uneasy. You deserve to feel like you donât have to have your guard up. Your kid deserves that for you as well. Regardless, Iâm wishing you strength and warmth in your next steps…
If my grandfather sexually assaulted (thats what groping is, fucking assault) my wife Iâd knock his ass out cold. I definitely wouldnât be taking her to their house.
Nah, let him go by himself
Why in heavenâs name is your spouse willing and eager to visit a man who assaulted you???? And wants to take his children near that man??? Is your spouse daft?! Where is his instinct to protect his wife and children? Geez!!
I am normally all for honoring commitments, but racism and sexual assualt are a hard pass for me. Fuck those angry sad dumb old folks.
If I were in your position I would not go, I would not talk to them, and I wouldnât let my kid around those people either. 1. Donât put yourself in a position to get sexually assaulted again. 2. These are not the people you want setting examples for your 1yo. I know youâre not quite there yet, but donât give them the opportunity.
Hubs can go by himself! Youâre not saying he canât go. And if he doesnât understand that you donât want to be around someone that sexually assaulted you then you have a whole other problem.
No way. This is hill to die on.
I would not even suggest you to go on the funeral of that old chap.
Sucking up a little bit is acceptable to keep family relations well oiled but NOT THIS.
I don’t know how much can you push, but i guess your husband also shouldn’t go and you should not be making any excuse to avoid going there. You should take a firm and open stand. There can be no f**king compromise on a woman’s honour. Absolutely not.
That POS isn’t old fashioned. He is stale and rotten.
Update:
Y’all rock. I appreciate everyone’s advice, wisdom, & sympathy.
We came to the agreement to stay in a hotel. Husband was reluctant at first, afraid to “hurt their feelings” since traditionally family always stays the whole trip in their home. The grandparents will probably react negatively to it, but not as bad as if we were to cancel…
How I see it thanks to everyone’scollective advice:
#1. No chance of being alone with grandpa, especially overnight creating safety and comfort for me and baby boy
#2. Creating clear and healthy bounderies for this trip and all future encounters (ripping off the bandaid and helping husband grow with his family and people pleasing issues. They run deep.)
#3. We will have privacy and husband/wife time
#4. I love AZ, it’ll be amazing to soak up some sun, enjoy a little vacation. I come from cold climate.
My husband knows about the groping. He apologized to me for it and was angry, but never encountered grandpa about it. Grandpa and grandma have treated us… differently… after the wedding, grandpa acts awkward around me and grandma has become more bitter. They must both know the behavior was inexcusable. But, they will never fess up.
If any racist/sexest comments are made, I will tell them to please not talk that way around kiddo. Mama claws are sharpened and ready to go if need be.
Don’t go and keep your baby away from them. Protect yourself and your child. Your husband is an AH for even wanting to have a relationship with someone who groped you. He should have dropped kicked that old man to the curb already.
To give my advice below context and let you know that you are not alone in this fight against breaking the cycle of misogyny and sweeping men’s inappropriate behavior under the rug. I have a similar fight with my husband and it’s taking him a long time to realize that this is a hill I will die on. For context, my FIL started behaving creepily and inappropriately towards me. I realized during a visit that I didn’t feel safe in their house and around his dad. I looked back and saw how his dad was escalating over the visits and was scared the next step was “accidentally” touching/groping me. I talked to my husband and set boundaries for his dad. His dad did it again after being told he’d made me uncomfortable and to stop. So we stopped staying at their house and didn’t allow them into ours. On visits I physically moved away whenever his dad came near me because of course the creepy old man didn’t stop. Now, I have refused to see them again until I get to talk to his dad and tell him directly that if he crosses my boundary again that he will never see me or my children again. I’ve made it clear to my husband that I will not tolerate enabling his dad anymore. If his dad escalates further and my husband doesn’t instantly kick that man out of our lives then it’s divorce because despite loving him I will not stay married to a man who thinks it’s okay to behave this way towards women/anyone. We haven’t seen them again and my husband hasn’t even brought up a visit since I put in the condition of me directly telling his dad to not cross this boundary.
So a bit of advice on talking to your husband:
1) remind him that his grandfather groped you and that it is his Grandpa’s fault (emphasize not yours). It is the grandpa’s behavior that is inappropriate and wrong.
2) ask him if someone in your family grabbed his balls how he would feel being asked to go visit that person (put it in from their point of view as much as possible)
3) talk in general about men SA and groping women and how people just accept it and blame it on the woman.
4) tell him to stand up for you and your child – there is no “seeing both sides” – he either supports men groping women or he doesn’t
5) if he tries to blame you for any discord in his family or because his grandpa is dying and he wants to see him then remind him that it is not you but your grandpa to blame. Tell him that you were assaulted by his grandfather and it’s his grandfather’s fault. He needs to take nay anger out on his grandfather not you. If he goes to see the old pervert he goes on his own and you can decide if you can live with him after that.
6) keep repeating and correcting him anytime he tries to put any blame on you or tell you it’s not a big deal
7) if possible try marriage counseling but avoid religious counselors as they may uphold the patriarchy and tell you to forgive and that family is more important than your physical safety. If a counselor tries that, walk out and find a feminist leaning counselor
On top of all this, his grandparents just sound like bad people and their hate needs to die with them, not be passed on to future generations. Racists, sexist, homophobic people DO NOT need to be in your life because they are family. Don’t let them influence your family.
I don’t care if you made a commitment. If you do not want to go (for very valid reasons), then you should not go. Honestly, I don’t think you need any other reason other than you don’t want to. You need to put your peace first.
Tell your husband that he can go if he wants to, but you’re staying home. It’s really that simple.