Why did he 35/m reject my offer to stay the night 30/f

In 2018 when I was living in nyc, I met a german guy three weeks before I was leaving to europe. He had only a month left as well before returning to Germany. What I thought would be a whatever fling, ended up being hot and heavy. I could tell he was catching feelings for me, although I know hes never had a relationship for more than a year and hes very distant. We had a great time those three weeks, then I left to europe.

Over the years, we kept in touch and called each other occasionally, he always invited me to berlin. In 2020, when I was living in LA he had an offer to come to SF for 2 months for his phd. I started dating someone then so although he kept asking me to come visit him, I didn’t, then the pandemic happened and he left early.

We fell out of touch around 2021, and a few months ago August 2022, I reached out to him and told him I was going to be in berlin in a few weeks. I still had a bf then. He told me he was living a couple of hours away for the summer but he’d come meet me. and he did.

We saw each other for the first time since 2018 and the spark was still there, we were acting like no time passed. He told me he was in an “open relationship” with a 28 year old who had a 7 year old son, he said the relationship was great and healing for him but that he doesnt have anything to do with the son and neither does he want to. We were flirty, but he was respectful and didnt try to touch me or go home together.

He told me he was proud of me for being accomplished in my career now. (When I met him I was a hot mess haha) and it was so cool to see how far I came. He told me I was just as beautiful too. We spent 7 hours together and got coffee the next day before his train left. Before he left he told me he hopped to see me when I return to Berlin for work in October.

I felt very conflicted after our meeting, I was still in a relationship that wasnt working and I felt very attracted to Philip still. September came and he texted me asking me when I’m coming back and that he missed me. I told him still october and then I made a comment about the “i miss you text” which he responded to with a a sexual/flirty comment and I lost my shit. I told him it wasnt okay because I have a bf and he kept defending himself, and I ended up calling him a child and gaslighter. He stopped talking to me and said “let me know when ur back id rather talk in person if not thats fine too good luck”

I got to Berlin in October and we met up, he apologized to me and I realized it was a miscommunication. I told him I don’t like being sexualized because I have past trauma and I felt it wasnt ok because I had a bf then, he said he was super sorry etc and looked like he was going to cry even. He said when we fought he didnt sleep for 5 days after. I told him me and my bf were on a break (we are) and he said his open relationship was going really well. We got dinner and went back to his apt and talked and hung out for a while, at the end of the night he tried to kiss me and I said no. Don’t want that and laughed it off.

A week later he asked me if I wanted to hang out and I said I had plans that night, then he texted me again and I said “is this a booty call” and he said “you can just come over and lay next to me,” I said no thanks haha. We got dinner a few days later on a Sunday night. It was super fun and lovely, we talked about our past relationships, he told me him and his Open GF werent having as much sex recently and that they both sleep with others. Over dinner, he told me that I would always be beautiful to him. He kept asking me about a guy I was dating now casually. We left and outside the train station he hugged me and asked me if he can see me one more time before I left. He asked me if I can bring my published story/magazine, bc he wanted to read it.

So I saw him a few days later, a day before I left berlin. I met him outside his apt after work and he looked super stressed out. He said lets go for a walk and he gave me a really sweet tour of his neighborhood. But the whole time he was quiet or something was off. Then we got to his place and his sister called, he told me she was sick so he cant visit her and his family was driving him crazy. Then something came up with work. He then complained about his finances and how he shouldnt be broke with the job he has (he has a good job). We went to dinner and left his place, he asked me for the magazine and I gave it to him. At dinner he was still kind of quiet, and at one point he told me his GF found out she had Rheumatism yesterday and he felt bad/ he had to go watch her kid yesterday. I asked if he liked the kid and he said “he likes me, hes more like a friend than my child.”

Then we changed the topic kept chatting and then IDK what came over me, maybe nostalgia, I asked him if I could stay the night with him (bc I really did want to be next to him). He froze and turned red and said “have you thought of this?” and I was like yes, why? and hes like if you sleep next to me I’m going to end up kissing you, or wanting to. I said, so? I’m single, I can do what i want. he said “we already fought about this before, and I dont want you to do something and then regret it.” and i was like “you invited me over last week,” and he said “but it wasn’t to sleep over all night, I just wanted to see you after your plans.” I told him I was sure of it, that i didnt want to have sex but just be next to him and he said fine.

Then we got to this apt, outside he said “i dont think we should do this, this is a bad night im sorry. I’m feeling very stressed, which i cant hide and youve seen it all night and i dont think youve thought about this either.” I asked him if it was bc of his GF and he said “no we’re open it doesnt matter” then I asked him if he was still attracted to me and he said “ofcourse I am and I like you, its just not a good night, I even wanted to ask you after dinner the other day but didnt dare to.” Then he said “I’ve been thinking about you for years and even have your return date saved in my calendar in march” I was just disappointed and felt rejected/confused and said goodbye and left.

I’m very confused, why I offered to sleep next to him and see where it goes and then he turned it down. He couldve just hooked up w me the day before I left and we couldve just moved on from it. I feel like this tension has been lingering forever.