I have been dating someone who has no form of childhood trauma or majorly bad experiences in that sense which is obviously great but I’ve come to realise that these kind of people tend to really understand the gravity of systematic child abuse, I noticed when I wanted to go into detail about certain things that I finally feel comfortable to talk about , my partner constantly shuts it down and belittles the gravity of the issues.
I recall the first time I tried to talk about an incident that I just really wanted to get off my chest and my partner interjected with a story of how they fell got spanked one time when they were 6 and likened it to the time my mother hit me multiple times on several occasions with a broom which almost always got broken on my body.
I’ve been with my partner for a year and I’ve never even gotten 10% close in terms of discussing my life experiences (good and bad) with them.
I discuss a lot of things with my therapist because I never want to burden my partner because it’s not their job to take on my traumas , as they are my own , however it would be so nice to just talk to the person I feel most comfortable with about something, heck anything…
It made me realise that most people may experience sympathy but I realised what I need is empathy which my partner really lacks .
TLDR ; my partner gives me a lot of sympathy and rarely any empathy when I talk about my past trauma
5 comments
Yes it’s sad that you went through all this. Yes you should be able to talk openly.
But like you said. It’s not their job to deal with your traumas.
Lots of people are not mental capable to deal with trauma like that. You might break him if you pile all your past traumas on to his shoulders.
Good luck.
I understand you. It’s so important to be able to communicate well, to have a worthwhile relationship. Everything in your past, is a part of your story. It’s Important to know, to get to know you. I don’t see any problem with that. You are perfectly aware, and you don’t use him as your therapist. You should be able to tell him about your past. It’s what a normal and healthy relationship is about. If you can’t support each other, especially in bad times, then I can’t see you having a relationship that is worth something.
Maybe you should ask him why he brushed you off, why he can’t have empathy for you. Maybe he is not aware, maybe there is a reason for it. Some people doesn’t like to talk about heavy subjects, it doesn’t necessarily have to be about him, not having empathy.Maybe he is just bad at communicating his feelings. Some men are brought up that way, like you shouldn’t whine, you should be a strong and masculine man. Then it’s also hard to have empathy for other people. I understand you feel the need to connect with him on that level, so ask him if it’s something you can work on, and if not, then I think you should reconsider if this relationship is worth it.
As a sympathetic person, I love when my finances shares things with me. She’s actively in therapy, and I know she’s not emotionally dumping on me and even if she was, I wouldn’t mind it because I feel like that’s part of a relationship.
Your boyfriend lack of even wanting to hear, is disheartening. I would struggle in your shoes. I would talk to your boyfriend and tell him you need to talk about these things with them as he is a part of your life. If he keeps pushing it off, I feel like it’s time to move on. If he can’t talk about the past, how can he talk about possible problems between you two ?
Sorry you had a rough upbringing, as someone who has also experienced this, I feel for you ♥️
I have also made mistakes of throwing in stories while my fiancee shares things with me, for me it was a way to say I understand, but I understand her point that it was overlapping her talking about her problems. I have since been working on this
You don’t need to have trauma in order to empathize with someone. Strongly disagree that that it is “trauma dumping” to explain to your partner what you’ve been through, especially in a relationship that’s a year old.
It doesn’t sound like he’s someone comfortable having serious conversations. And I don’t know how you have a relationship with someone like that longterm, because life isn’t sunshine and rainbows.
The thing is, you’re not going to teach him empathy. No one here is either. I mean, sure, you can try, but since is something he’d need to consciously work on himself, I find it unlikely he’d understand and make the effort. And that would still just to be getting him to the bare minimum of responding like a human who cares about you.
The first time you talked about your trauma, your partner INTERRUPTED you and made the situation about them.
I don’t have to come from an abusive household to understand how important it is to let someone that IS from an abusive household to speak about their experience.
Listening rather than interrupting is just basic common courtesy.
And interrupting just to minimize what you’ve gone through is absolutely awful behavior.
I would not tolerate it if I were you OP.
Edit: it’s not like you’re coming up to your partner EVERY DAY for two hours, crying and talking about your traumas and expecting them to shoulder that. You’re not making your partner your therapist – you already have a therapist!
It sounds like you’re just bringing it up every now and again, bringing it up in conversation because it’s part of your life. And to be shot down every time is unacceptable imo