He has some issues around ‘privacy’ and he hates prying questions. I keep this in mind when I talk to him and I’ve changed my behaviour a lot to accommodate this hang up he has. For example I used to ask where he was going when he left a room as I like to have an idea of where people are when I’m in the same house, it’s weird I know, but I stopped asking when he said he didn’t like it and I could recognise it as an unnecessary question.
But when I ask what I consider to be basic conversation starter questions he gets really defensive or really irritated. He also gets annoyed if he feels like I should know the answer, even though I genuinely don’t.
Some examples for context:
I woke up and he was on his phone next to me in bed, I rolled over and touched him but he didn’t acknowledge me so I said ‘whatcha doing?’ And he snaps “what’s it to you?’
We were packing the car with some rubbish and he said he wanted to take some of our neighbours and I asked where it was and he snapped at me and said ‘over there obviously’.
He was putting his shoes on to go out randomly in the middle of the day and as he walked past me I said ‘oh where are you going?’ Ans he snapped ‘what does it matter?!’.
He left for work earlier than usual one morning before I was up, he usually tells me when he has to go into the office but this time he hadnt. When he got back I greeted him as normal and then asked what he had to go into the office for today. He got annoyed and asked me why I was asking. I said I was just starting a conversation but he refused to answer and kept asking what the reason I asked was.
We’ve spoken about this issue before and he’s given some context to why he acts like this, some past traumas, so I’m absolutely willing to give him some leeway on his auto-reactions. But I’m not sure I can just roll over and accept that I can never ask him any questions he deems ‘prying’.
He rarely apologises after the fact and most of the time when I bring up in the moment that his reaction upsets me he basically just tells me I’m overreacting or I already know why he does it or he’s just in a bad mood.
I feel like if he reacted negatively and then apologised afterwards or even just genuinely acknowledged the fact that his reaction wasn’t ideal then I could feel better about it.
What’s the best way to deal with this going forward? I feel like I’ve already explained how it affects me and what I want from him but nothing seems to get better.
TLDR – partner either gets annoyed or refuses to answer me when I ask him questions. How am I supposed to approach this?
8 comments
He said you were overreacting.
Which is what he is doing.
If he can’t improve this auto reply thing, then he has a long term problem OR he is hiding something. Which is it?
Your feelings are valid and he really needs to be more considerate. From the sounds of it he just plain mean. Sometimes people get this way when they are hiding something, maybe guilt. Therapy may help.
You’re being understanding of his “trauma” but h/ not treating his trauma. He excuses his behavior and blames you for it.
What are you willng to accept? In perpetuity?
Also all of this doesn’t read like something from the past but that he’s actively keeping secrets now
It’s okay to dump people who are ass holes
I don’t have any more insight into this than what’s in this post, but it sounds like he is just over your questions. I feel like I would be the same way if someone asked me about. Every. Single. Little. Thing. I’m getting claustrophobic just reading this post. It sounds suffocating, honestly.
Having past trauma is not a reason to take it out on other people. He should address his past trauma with the help of a therapist, it’s not your fault. Having past trauma is an explanation WHILE he finds better mechanisms to cope with it, and never, justification. If he won’t do anything to work on his issues, you might not be compatible long term.
Wait, you would question where he’s going, what he’s doing when he would leave the room? Is this something that has happened for awhile? He’s questioned when he leaves your sight? Oooh wait, you’ve changed that to only when he goes to the office? You do know people in a relationship don’t really become one? A couple equates to two individual people. I don’t see these as conversation starters, it read to me as ~why aren’t you going to be my side or at least in my ear shot.
Part of me thinks he’s up to something but part of me feels he’s getting claustrophobic. Asking someone where they’re going when they leave the house is casual but do you actually ask him what room he’s headed to every time he leaves the room you’re in? That would drive me a little crazy.