Every day I travel to visit my fiancé and his mother for almost the last two months. She is dying from cancer and it is heartbreaking to watch. He’s hurting so much because not only is she dying but he must administer the medicine and even carry her to the bathroom. Understandably he is so upset and it has affected him so much.
Right now I pay for the rent. We used to split it a bit but I didn’t ask much because most of the time he was at his mom’s which I encouraged. He hasn’t been in the apartment since September really…
Every day I will head out to see them after work and I have put all my personal needs away. The train round trip is 25 dollars. I should have gotten a monthly at this point.
Am I jerk right now to ask for money from him? I feel like I shouldn’t but I get annoyed by how much I am spending , time lost from my life etc.. Then I reflect and say no no. He tells how much it means to him and I don’t think he could handle this situation without to be honest.I am expecting her to pass away any day now. I have probably spent about 300 dollars on travel alone. I don’t make a lot of money.He did get me a hotel for two over Thanksgiving which I appreciated the space….
I appreciate your honest response.
Thank you
15 comments
I’d try to remove emotion about annoyance out of it, and try to talk to him about budgeting for these different expenses. It’s a hard thing to learn how to do, but if you’re creating a life together, you gotta have these difficult conversations.
He’s going through a lot right now I’m sure. If you really need the money I would approach it very carefully. His mom is dying of cancer so I think he has bigger things on his mind right now I personally wouldn’t add extra stress, but I’m also not in your shoes and I am not struggling financially. If money is tight or a problem I might bring it up, but I wouldn’t connect it to his mom. Don’t blame him for it but maybe mention it casually or blame something else like higher rent higher food prices etc…
Based on your post history, there are some much bigger issues here. I get the sense that you really resent your fiancé, not to mention your weird obsession with your engagement ring.
Why are you going to visit every day? Is that frequency necessary? I know it’s hard, but if I were in your shoes I would only be going 2-3 times a week tops.
Is he her primary caregiver? Is there anyone else who can step in and help? Does she qualify for any government healthcare services?
She has in hospice care but the nurse does not visit often , her health plan sucks. I go so much because I like her and to support him. He’s always breaking down when he sees me… I agree maybe I won’t go there tonight. I am falling behind on work and my own care. Yesterday I didn’t go to bed till 12 am up with them and had to commute at 5 to be at work by 7:30. It’s too much
If money is tight and he has the means, I don’t see the issue with him helping you out with transportation.
Imo you should put two visits in a week Instead of going everyday that’s will bring the cost down,. And just bring up to him you doing to cut the costs
I think it is odd that you can’t ask your fiance for some cash. Cash needs is separate from the difficulties at hand. What are you worried he would say? What do you need the cash for? He might need all the cash he’s got over the next month it sounds like. Would you be the type that would let a few hundred bux get in the way of supporting your fiance during this tough time?
You are asking someone who doesn’t cohabitate prior to marriage and doesn’t split finances prior to marriage.
The only money I would give my fiancé is money I felt was 100% a gift.
If you don’t want to be there everyday and visit her, then don’t. If you can’t afford it, then you need to say that.
Caregiver burn out is a thing, and you need to protect you and he needs to protect him. I would sit down and talk about it.
I don’t think your obligation to her, should be the extent of his obligation towards her.
Also if he can’t pay for rent anymore, how would he be in a position to give you money?
You guys need to talk about this.
Well if you’re splitting rent he should still be paying his share even if he’s not there. That’s how rent works. It’s owed whether you’re using the space or not. You wouldn’t be able to live with he and his mother right now and tell your landlord you’re not paying because no one is using the space. Is he having personal financial issues because of this? If he is and he *can’t* pay rent then he can’t but otherwise I think he should still pay.
Then I’d have a conversation about you visiting him and include money in it. “Hey, I know you’re appreciative that I come up but it’s starting to become a challenge…” and then go on to express your needs. Do you need more time to yourself? Can you not afford to go? Are you just exhausted and need a night off? I think there’s a difference between asking for money and saying it’s costing too much. It may feel like a fine line but it’s a difference between putting a burden on him (asking for money) and putting a problem out there and looking for a solution together. Don’t forget to tell him you need time if that’s what you need though. If it becomes all about money and he pays for your trips then it’s harder to then say “well I don’t want to come every day either”
I think you are burdening yourself a lot.
It’s one thing to be there for your loved ones but not at the cost of your well-being.
I’m not being selfish, I’m being empathetic and pragmatic.
Imagine, you also get exhausted/broke/lose job/ frustrated/ ill with this much of running around. It will be double whammy. Keep yourself safe for him and the relationship.
Ask for money, but chose words carefully.
Maybe like a small loan you would repay. Tell him your situation.
Maybe he should insist you don’t need to repay. That would be good but don’t judge him if he doesn’t coz he is himself is in a bad place.
Yes.
I don’t think this is a time to focus on yourself. If its a financial burden, cut down the visits. He’s got enough on his plate.
I think he’s going through a lot right now. Why are you adding? Your question about money is a bit low and not the time to ask.
Is it possible to see him every other day for the time being and FaceTime him on days you can’t go? I realize it’s important for him to see his mom, but $25 a day adds up fast. Him and his mom would probably like some alone time with the family before she goes. If he has friends and family maybe they could help him out with emotional support as well.
Unless you are absolutely broke due to these $25 dollars you spend on the train asking your fiance for money would be very inappropriate.