Those of you who have left an abusive relationship; what did you need to hear or accept?

19 comments

1. I am witness to a woman being in a ldr which is emotionally and financially abusive. There is also physical violence when they meet. What should I say or not say to her?

2. Had to accept he was abusive and wouldn’t change.

   Didn’t need to or want to hear anything.

3. I didn’t need to hear anything.

   I heard multiple things from multiple people but until *I* was ready to go and stay gone them all talking to me was pretty pointless because it was all things that I already knew, I just wasn’t at the point where internally I wasn’t ready to accept that I needed to leave.

4. I needed to accept there was a reason why he treated me the way he did. He didn’t value me. He didn’t care if I was cold, hungry, tired or depressed he didn’t interact with me until we separated, then he Treated me like a goddess.
   I was so confused.
   He played with me like a toy. Because he could. And he would do it again. unapologetically.

5. That I needed to love and be with the person they are not who I think they could be/who they were. I needed to accept all of them, even the abusive parts and I could not do that.

   You need to love and respect yourself more, as you can give and give and they will indefinetly take.

6. Turned out, I really needed someone to pity me. To pat my head, cuddle me, tell me “poor girl”. It was a crying catharsis, and I felt like I was reborn.

7. You are the sum of the people you hang around, do you want to be like them? – that really stood out to me

8. Whatever was in Why Does He Do That. Lundy Bancroft singlehandedly saved my life with that, as he has many others

9. Nothing anyone could have said would have made an ounce of difference.

   What I needed to accept (and did, eventually) is that I’m on my own and I needed to get myself out.

10. They will not change and they do not love you:( you are wasting your life:(

11. That I couldn’t do anything to prevent it from happening.

    I couldn’t prevent him from cheating

    I couldn’t prevent him from lying

    I couldn’t prevent him saying awful things

    I couldn’t prevent the threats

    I couldn’t prevent the trauma.

    No matter how hard I would try, I couldn’t.

    But I could prevent my death.

12. Abusive Brother – Emotional, Financial, Psychological. Had to accept that he wouldn’t change. He will never feel empathy, and will never put anyone else before what he can get out of it. Still trying to deal with it but have mostly walked away and “bought” my safety for now.

13. That he never loved me for all the things he did to me. Rape/Wanting to kill someone is not love. A narcissist never change and I cannot help him. I deserve better. Almost 5 years and still healing.

14. in order to get out I needed to hear that I was not alone, that there were other people who had gone through what I was going through. I also needed to accept that I could not change my abuser, and that the only person who could change the situation was me.

15. Not abusive . But i had an affair with a married man in his late 30s. I had to come out of the trance that he is just looking at you as a fling and will never leave his wife anytime.

16. When someone shows you who they are, believe them – the first time.

17. He did things because he chose to!
    Not because he just did it mistakenly or he didnt think before doing it.

    You think you will be nothing if you leave him or you will not be able to move on?

    You are already nothing when you are with him because he made you believe that. Trust the time that passes by, Maybe it wont heal but it will definitely make it bearable.

18. Weirdly, I had to hear someone mistake a friendship with someone who was not my partner for a relationship to realize nothing was ever going to get better and no one was ever going to see my ex and I that way, with the of course you’re together lens. But I still needed to come to the decision entirely on my own terms and when I was ready. No one could have told me anything that would have convinced me to leave before I decided I needed to.

19. Accidentally stumbled on to her photo cloud on our kids ipad when I was making room on it. She logged into it and it downloaded her photos.

    She was cheating on me. Really helped me make sense of her abuse. I didn’t understand why she was so overtly aggressive and insufferable.

    Also, getting assaulted and being told I was the abusive one for defending myself helped.