So we’ve been together over a year and we live together. Sometimes if i’m awake and it’s my day off and he wakes a little later than he should he asks me to make him a coffee. which is super important to him as coffee to him sets the mood for the whole day.
i went to make him a coffee this morning and something happened that the coffee wouldn’t boil. Unless i took shrooms or something i know i put water as i have my little ritual and i remember putting it. He comes and says that i didn’t put water in it, and “it’s impossible that this happens unless you don’t put water, dumbass” then he goes and slams the door to the bathroom to brush his teeth while swearing to himself. I closed the door to the kitchen bc i started tearing up.
I have to point out that he’s diagnosed with bipolar disorder which for him sometimes manifests itself in anger outbursts. He usually apologizes when his mind stabilizes a bit. Usually i can just roll my eyes and ignore but when i’m on my period i’m more sensitive so i just started crying.
Every day before one of us leaves we kiss eachother goodbye. Even if one of us is mad. But today left without saying anything. I even opened the window to say “you’re not gonna say bye” but he ignored it (he had his music in i think)
then i texted him saying that i didn’t mean to burn the coffee and that i was sorry but it’s not ok for him to act like that and leave without saying goodbye. (this is something i strongly believe, to never part angry or without saying bye because anything could happen in those 8 hours you’re apart) and he said that it was because he slept an hour and that because he asked me and i didn’t do it, it made it so that he didn’t have time to do it himself and now he’s going to go without coffee for the day. And he said try waking up after sleeping an hour and see how you react. I just cried and unsent all the messages i sent him
tldr; i fucked up my bipolar boyfriends coffee and he got mad and called me a dumbass.
3 comments
Diagnosis or not, name calling isnt an appropriate response to not making coffee right.
Girl if you’re coming to the internet to ask others of their opinion yoh already know the answer. Like the other commenter stated, their diagnosis doesn’t give them the right to verbally abuse you like that after trying to do something nice for them. This is likely something they need to work out in therapy. You however should probably lay down some boundaries and follow through when they are crossed. If you had a daughter would you allow your daughter to be talked to like that ?
What about if it were you at five years old just trying to do something nice.
It was highly inappropriate but something leads me to believe this isn’t a one time occurrence.
TLDR: COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES AND LEAVE WHEN THEY ARE CROSSED
People get angry, that is natural and not always avoidable, even in situations where it is counterproductive. His disorder may make him more prone to anger, that is unfortunate. But actions are choices. He can make a choice to decide that insults and name-calling are unacceptable things to do with anyone you care about, and then, even when angry, he can not do them. That is what good people do. He needs to learn that his emotions do not justify bad actions. If he truly believed calling you that term was unacceptable behavior, then he wouldn’t do it. What he needs to work on is learning acceptable behavior. If he can’t or won’t do that, then you need to think about the fact that he has a failure of ethics, and it has nothing to do with his disorder.