I’ve (M24) been dating my girlfriend (F29) for over three years, got a cat together, and living with her for two, but feel like I’m starting to lose feelings.
We’ve had an overall very successful relationship. We make a good team most of the time, enjoy each other’s company, and are genuinely very good friends. She is someone extremely special, and she truly does everything she can to be the best girlfriend I could ask for, but I find myself growing more distant.
We recently have been going through a rough patch, because she ended up finding out that I was still watching porn after knowing that’s she is not okay with it, and had promised her I stopped. This resulted in a big shift of trust in me for her. I felt really bad for deceiving her and not respecting her enough, and she doesn’t deserve to have to deal with that.
Since then, we’ve been a little more separated(i.e. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for nearly two weeks lmao) but I’ve been trying to do a lot of reflection, and I’m not sure I just have those feelings like I used to.
When we started out, I was absolutely mesmerized by her. I felt like everything clicked and we just had the best time with each other. I’d even constantly reassure her that I wanted to marry her one day and absolutely gave her the impression that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
But for a few months now, that’s been getting very hard to see, and I don’t know what to do. Lately, it’s been very difficult to put myself in a mindset where getting married and having kids sounds like anything I want to do at all. I’ve often found myself wanting to be alone to allow myself to grow and not have the obligations that come with having a partner or living together.
There are a few issues that I’ve struggled with throughout the relationship, such as drinking quite often(which have led to some pretty horrible fights). I met her when I was 21 and she was 25. She pretty much introduced me to it and we drink quite a bit on any given day. This is something that inherently I wouldnt ever say no to, but I feel like I would use my time much more productively if I didn’t have that enabled as often when she is around.
She moved away from her family and friends and we met shortly after, moved near my fam and friends, but after over 3 years, I think i may be the only substantial friend/relationship with anyone that she’s made since moving, and any ‘friend’ she has was introduced through me and relatively surface level. I think this sort of bothers me? I’ve always encountered her to make connections outside of me, but I am her one and only friend it seems that lives anywhere close. She never has any other plans with anyone other than what we’ve arranged to do with each other, or my friends/fam.
I know this is very long and convoluted, but I’m hoping at least a handful of people will hopefully shed some knowledge on what I should do. I care about her so much, but not sure if I see a future with her right now. I think I’d rather just work on myself at the moment, and I’m having trouble seeing past that. I’m not sure if these feelings will pass, or if it’s time to end it. Breaking up will absolutely devastate this girl and I just can’t stand it. But when she asked me if she’s “the one” I can’t even say it without it feeling more like an obligation at this point. I love her and want the best, and don’t to end it and regret this in 10 years, but I’m having trouble feeling anything anymore
TL;DR: After 3 years of dating, living together for 2, and have a cat together. I’m losing the desire to have a relationship. I love her to death and she is a very wonderful person, but lately I just feel like I’d rather be by myself. I don’t know if this feeling will pass or if I have to break her heart.
1 comment
Nearly all relationships come to a point where you have to decide if you want to put in the effort to want to stay. Novelty wears off, differences have to be examined and confronted, you have to actively keep the passion going, you feel bored, etc. This will happen in almost every relationship ever. It can absolutely feel amazing and new and exciting again if effort is put in by both parties, people often forget they have to keep dating the person even after they’ve secured the relationship. Whatever you two did to hook each other needs to be revisited. All that aside, you can absolutely find yourself and grow as a person in a relationship, if it is healthy, it’s usually easier to do these things with support and familiar people at your side in fact. If she’s genuinely making things harder for you though then yes you’d want to leave. What’s important is making sure you’re not getting caught up in grass is greener syndrome. A committed relationship that needs work isn’t a waste of your 20s, you likely aren’t missing out on once in a lifetime pretty women or your soul mate, 20s are nothing but a decade in that regard. So, provided there is no genuine issue within the relationship and the only speed bump is typical time to dig in or uproot, you have a decision to make. Whatever you do, don’t fall into the idea that because it’s gotten difficult or boring that it’s not worth it anymore, that’s just how it goes. If you do hang on its time to bust out some good old commitments and communication materials and work through what can be worked through and find your spark together again because you both could benefit from doing better with those, we all absolutely can in the end.