I don’t want my stepmom to walk me down the aisle

33 comments

1. Personally, I don’t believe in giving in to threats. If she was a loving mom, wouldn’t she want you to be comfortable and happy at your wedding? A loving parent prioritizes what is best for their child; not what they personally want. I would tell her something like, “I don’t hate you, but you kept trying to push me away from my mom’s family and to act like my mother wasn’t my mother, and that has made it hard for me to accept you as what you were – a stepmother. At this point, you are still doing that, trying to take my mother away from me, and I will not have that at my own wedding. You can either be there and accepted as my stepmother or you can not go. That’s up to you. If you don’t want me to be happy and can’t accept that I had a mom, then so be it.”

2. As planned, there’s someone walking you down the aisle. *The one you’re marrying.* Does she think she’s taking the bride’s place? Don’t frame this in terms of mothers, frame it in terms of trying to upstage your partner, because that’s what she’s angling for here. If the bride’s father isn’t walking her down the aisle the there’s equally no place for walking the groom. Going with one’s partner to the altar is a much better update of tradition in any case.

3. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but I think posting on social media about walking her son down the aisle without talking to him about it, offering to pay for some of the wedding to get her way and then threatening for her and his dad not to attend if she doesn’t get her way suggests she is quite manipulative.

4. Sara was *way* out of line to assume she was going to walk you down on the aisle (making a THREESOME with you and your bride) and posting about it on social media without ever talking to you about this completely inappropriate idea!

   I mean come on, even if you had a great relationship with her, this is nutcase-level pushiness and intrusiveness.

   Who *announces* to a child or stepchild, “Hey, you’ll have two of us walking you down the aisle, me on one side and your fiancee on the other! I know you are totally thrilled by this idea! And I’m really excited for the stepmother-stepson dance you haven’t arranged and don’t want!”

   If she has always been this pushy and presumptuous, it’s understandable why you moved out when you were 18 and don’t often go back.

   Don’t give in to their threat to boycott your wedding if you don’t give in to their demands.

   Calmly and kindly tell them that you and your bride have planned the wedding the way you want and you will not be changing it. Say you hope they will come, but you of course will accept their choice not to be there.

5. Seems like your dad moved on quickly and you’ve held that resentment since you were little. I can empathize with that. My uncle cheated on my Aunt and they divorced because of it. Soon after, she was killed by a drunk driver with both of my cousins in the car to witness her dying. My Uncle ended up marrying the woman he cheated on my Aunt with and my cousins were not able to bond with her for obvious reasons. It wasn’t until they had their own kids that they began to let her in a bit.

   I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. You could have, if you choose to, a serious conversation with her about your feelings (from childhood to adulthood). If she doesn’t respond well to that, she’s acting narcissistic. Anyone with your best interests at heart would lead with empathy rather than judgement. Good luck and congratulations on the wedding!

6. ELOPE. It will piss off a lot of people, but those are people you don’t want in your life.

   Not only will it save a ton of money, when you are both more financial stable you can have a blowout anniversary party.

   I’ve been married twice. Trust me when I say that you’ll forget most of the day, most of who was there, and most of the drama.

7. My husband did not walk down the aisle with his own mom with whom he is close so Sara needs to chill. (He walked in with the minister and his best man, MIL was escorted in by a family friend and it was fine.)

   We also didn’t do father-daughter or mother-son dances because we just didn’t want to!

   Honestly as mother of the groom my MIL had very little role other than be in family photos and host a table of her relatives and just be part of the general party. That feels sort of typical to me, but maybe there are cultural differences I am missing.

   What role would she have? What does your dad expect? Is being there with him not enough?

8. It’s very clear your dad lives in a different reality. She brought love to his life not yours. She brought pushiness and overbearing annoyance to your life. I would call his bluff and tell him not to come. She’s not your mother. Kids don’t hightail it out at 18 because they have a great home life. You need to straight up tell him not to come then if disregarding how you feel is important. I’m also of tired acting like just because someone was married to your parent means you have to treat them like family ESPECIALLY when they were actively trying to erase your mom

9. If I were I would tell them “Thank you for helping me to have a toxic free wedding.”

10. OP, you’ve gotten some comments here calling you insensitive and saying you were mean to Sara.

    Here’s where I’m at: your mom died when you were a child. Your dad remarried when you were still a kid, and this lady pushed herself into a motherly role that you didn’t ask her to. Sounds like she spent years desperately trying to *be* your mother which ended up pushing you away. Sounds like she also tried to keep you away from your mother’s family because it was “taking away from family time” even though your mom’s family is OBVIOUSLY still your family.

    By what you’ve said here, this is a woman who desperately tried to make you love her, but it sounds like that’s what *she* wanted, not what you wanted. Maybe if she’d played more of the role of loving cool aunt, instead of pushy faux mom, you might have had a better relationship, who knows. It’s too late now. And once again she’s creating drama about something that *she* wants in YOUR wedding.

    I’d say it sounds like Sara still doesn’t get that you already have a mom. She may be deceased, but she is still your mom, damnit, and no one has any right to take that away from you. You are the one who gets to pick the roles you will allow others to play in your life. I’d say leave an open invitation for your dad and Sara to come to the wedding if you’re feeling generous. But until Sara can see the role she played in pushing you away and can acknowledge her part in this conflict, you will not be able to reason with her.

    Good luck. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

11. Who’s normal mom does this? I mean the mother walking the son down the ailse is not a thing. But I would maybe examine why it is that you reject her all the time. I mean is it just her personality? She might be a bit annoying but maybe you could put yourself in her shoes. Perhaps she does actually love you and has been in the mother role and done a lot for you. Maybe you could at least try to show her some love. Looking after children is hard. What has she done for you? Worked? Put a roof over your head, cooked, cleaned. Or has she contributed zero. Maybe just examine why she wants some love from you and why you feel.like you have to reject her. I don’t think sticking with “she is not my real mom” is very mature at this stage of your life. It seems a bit mean.

12. I have never heard of this tradition.
    Groom has always been waiting for the bride at the altar at any wedding I attended
    Sometimes they escort female family members to their seat first like mom and grandma.
    Is just waiting at the front an option?

13. I’m in the US. Honestly I can’t recall a wedding where the mother of the groom has a role beyond maybe a mom/son dance. Usually the groom just sort of makes his way to the front before the music starts.

14. Tell her a “real mother” tunes into what her child needs. She has never done that and still doesn’t. Neither has your father. This was never about you needing a mother. It was about what they wanted.

15. Your father and stepmother are using their presence at your wedding to blackmail you into doing something you’re not comfortable doing. It’s wrong and very manipulative. Tell them you understand how they feel and you’ll miss them at the wedding. If you give in they will feel emboldened to continue to erase your mother from your life. Sara will want to be grandma to your children. It’ll never end.

16. Classic guilt trip toxic BS! Don’t fall for it. YOUR wedding to is supposed a celebration of love and the new, exciting journey you both are embarking on. It’s not supposed to be hijacked by those around you into something THEY want. Just explain you appreciate her but she is not a replacement for your mother and you feel her demanding to walk you down the aisle (which isn’t even a thing) and participating in the mother/son dance would disrespect your mom’s memory. If after that they still refuse to come to the wedding, call them on their bluff and don’t pander to them. If they show up, great, if they don’t, it’s unfortunate but completely on them and they are showing you aren’t a priority to them. Appearances are. Draw the line in the sand and stick to it. If you don’t, they know they can manipulate you into doing whatever they want.

17. If you don’t want her to walk you down the aisle then she needs to respect your decision since it’s your wedding. She has no right no right to dictate what happens at your wedding. Sara just seems extremely pushy and manipulative, also it wasn’t right of her to not let you visit you mom’s family when you were younger. She had no right to do that, especially if she never adopted you. All she is is your dads wife and has overstepped boundaries you’ve made for years and she’s proven she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t want to go to your wedding then that’s her choice. Also don’t let her pay for your wedding because then she’ll use that to get her way every time.

18. Let Sara and your dad not show up and enjoy your wedding without that drama and toxic energy.

19. Nah, sounds like she wanted an insta son.

    I hate it when ppl feel entitled to your affection. She didn’t ask if she could walk you down the aisle she announced it. She is forcing the issue cause of the optics.

    It is gross.
    Have your wedding leave the toxic behind.

20. Honestly sara should not make this about her. And wrong for your dad for trying to push sara on you. I would call their bluff and say “you don’t have to attend” NOT “you’re uninvited”. I was married and divorced at 21. My parents didn’t stand my first wedding (didn’t like my ex). To this day my mom regrets not being at my first wedding. You’re parents can be petty. But one thing GOOD parents wouldn’t do is miss the wedding of their child, no matter the situation. So the ball is in their court, and this will show you what kind of parents they are and if your happiness really matters to you!

21. “This pushy manipulative bullshit is why I never wanted to get close to you. Please tell my dad I’m sorry he won’t be there, but I understand he has to do what he thinks is best for himself.”

    Don’t really, though. I would definitely say the sorry they can’t come part, cuz that’s the best option for what to do if someone is trying to hijack your day, but anything else at this point will just feed into why she feels like the victim right now.

22. Honestly, it doesn’t sound to me like Sara is emotionally mature enough to have a healthy discussion about what happened. What I derive from what you’ve written, is that Sara likely wanted to jump into the role of ‘mother’ without ever having had a discussion with you about what you wanted your relationship with her to be. She was thinking only of her own wants & needs.

    Sara tried to estrange you from your family, instead of encouraging you to maintain a much-needed healthy realtionship with them. She was thinking of her own wants & needs.

    Sara created a special role for herself at your ceremony. Sara used tears & guilt-tripping to turn the focus back onto herself when you tried to talk to her about *your* wants & needs for *your* wedding. Sara wanted her own wants & needs met.

    Do we see the pattern here?

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. My advice would be to talk it over with your partner and decide what role you want your father & Sara to play in your lives, and boundaries to set with them (strong ones with Sara!), if they remain in your life. Dealing with toxic people is never easy, and even harder when it’s family.

23. I’ve never been to a wedding where the mother walked the groom down the aisle, so this is surprising that she announced she would be doing that, especially with your consent. So many red flags.

    Her announcing before discussing is telling. I can bet she’s a huge boundary pusher and you have to set your boundaries and stick to them or she will walk all over them.

    I think you need to have a heart to heart with your dad one on one in a neutral place. Go out to dinner or coffee with him and tell him how you feel and why. And let him know you will be very disappointed if he chooses to not attend your wedding because they are trying to prove a point when it’s your day, not hers. Then you need to set the boundary that your step mom has no say or input about the wedding or the little things you will be doing, and make sure she doesn’t speak at the wedding either-as in on the microphone in front of everyone. It could be a disaster and she would make the moment about her and not you. She’s to be a bystander only. It sucks to have to set these boundaries, but you have to for your sanity.

    Remember to use the ‘when this happens, it makes me feel like thisI’ statements. It takes away the accusatory tone. Your dad is choosing to side with her because he doesn’t want to rock the boat and it makes his life easier. The path of least resistance. Ask him why he’s choosing to die on that hill rather than stick up for you. It really sounds like he doesn’t understand the impact losing your mother had and the fact that he’s ok with your step mom replacing your mom on your special day tells me he doesn’t get it.

    You need to also tell him you don’t visit because you don’t want to really spend time with step mom and you don’t want to be forced to have a relationship with her, but you hope that you can meet one on one every so often. Maybe when your relationship with your dad is strengthened you can then let step mom in a little bit.

    Also you could choose to have a different female dance with you in the groom/female relative you look up to dance. I danced with my nephew in place of his mom when his wife danced with her dad. However, his mom is alive, she’s just a dead-beat. Is there a grandma, or an aunt? You could take the dance out as an option altogether, but consider other options if you have a female you look up to that you feel comfortable having that dance with. But you would need to tell your dad that his wife can’t take it personally and it’s not a slap in her face. She tried to push this on you and more she’s made drama out of it. Don’t be shy about doing what you want.

    Congrats and good luck. Hugs to you.

24. This is your wedding. You do it the way you and your fiancé want. NO ONE ELSES FEELINGS MATTER. At least on this topic. It is the celebration of the love between the two of you, and who/how you share that is entirely up to you two.

    I don’t have a dad, have an amazing but terminally ill mom, and her horrible addict/alcoholic partner of 30+ years. I would love for my mom to see me get married before she dies, but I also told her that her partner would NEVER be welcome at my wedding if I ever had one. I told her that 20+ years ago, but the feeling remains. I wouldn’t want that awful woman ruining any part of my wedding. So if you don’t want your step mom trying to fill the mother of the groom role, don’t let it happen!

25. Sara is way out of the line and you don’t owe her anything. Tell your dad that she is taking away the opportunity to be present at his son’s wedding just to satisfy her ego. Ask him if her ego is worth missing your wedding.

26. >are saying they won’t be attending the wedding unless Sara walks me down the aisle

    ‘we will send you a card”

    never fall for this manipulation.

27. They are now blackmailing you, do this or else. I woukd never give in that. ‘we don’t negotiate with terrorists’.

    There is really only 1 thing you can do. Call her or your dad. Say you want to talk and want to talk about everything. From when you were 11 years old to today. How you feel, why you feel that way, what you actually want from Sara and so on. When you call them set up a date for a few days later. Advise them to prepare what they wish to say as well and think about it for a few days.

    If I was you I would now write down everything. How you feel in general about Sara, to how you feel knowing what she expects at your wedding, to her referring to you as her son. Write it all down. Then write down the things you do appreciate (she has taken care of you for 8 years after all) and end with how you wish the relationship to eventually be.

    It won’t be solved overnight in 1 convo. But at least give each other the room to speak. After go home, go to sleep, and pick it up again tie next day.

    It will be a painful, time consuming process but if you all can be patient, respectful and understanding you will get to a point were you all are happy with each other. But you all also shall have to make some sacrifice.

    Goodluck kid wish you all the best and am awesome wedding

28. Additionally, talk to your fiance about the situation and make sure you are standing together on this issue else your stepmother might try to get in your fiancé’s ear.

29. My advice? Don’t give in. Tell your dad that if he chooses to go down this path your relationship with him will be forever damaged and you are not sure you will want one with him at all. If he sticks by it then say ok. Send them an announcement. Don’t send them an invitation either. When they ask why they aren’t invited remind your dad of what he said. That unless she walked you he wasn’t coming. So you figured you’d save money on invitations. And from now on, for important life events, send announcements, not invitations.

30. Well, I guess they won’t be attending, then.

    Congrats on your engagement!

31. Your step mom pisses me the fuck off with the way she forces her role in your life and tries to push decisions on you. Of fucking course you rejected her lmao she has to EARN that role in your life and she fucked it up in so many ways. Not once giving thought to anyone else’s feelings but hers.

    Kick them to the curb. I’d personally tell dad that if he’s going to disregard your feelings and experiences about her on your big day, that you don’t feel comfortable seeing him anymore. Your dad was an active participant in her shitty treatment of you and described it as “loving mom.”

    She spent her entire marriage trying to replace your mom AND KEEP YOU FROM YOUR MOM’S FAMILY and your dad fully supported it. Unhinged. Entitled. Fuck that.

32. Okay so, I’m not even going to comment on the stuff that she did or you did. Blended family dynamics are tough on all parties and it’s made even harder when one of the parents has passed away. So I’m not going to go into that because so often, we try the best we can and we rarely ever have things go perfectly.

    But, OP, if you have someone threatening to boycott your wedding because they aren’t getting to do something that ***they*** want to do at ***your*** wedding, I mean just my take on it, but that’s not someone I’d want at my wedding and, for me personally, that’s probably not someone I’d keep in my life.

33. Not sure what country you’re from but at least in the US men do not walk down the aisle with their moms. It’s just not a thing. Do you live in a place where this is a thing?

    If not, she’s making up traditions for attention.