I (19F) am having a sexual relationship with an older guy (42M). We’ve met up for sex about 4 times, he gives me hard drugs and alcohol as I have a dependency. He talks about wanting to take care of me and how beautiful I am. He has explicit videos of us together and he tells me he watches them all the time, I feel uncomfortable with them because we took them while I was under the influence. He constantly asks for images of me. I can’t help but believe what he says and care about him. I’m currently in hospital after a suicide attempt and he’s sending me all these sweet messages and it’s really hard to distance myself from him. maybe it is just a problematic age gap?

46 comments

  3. Yeah you need to start keeping receipts in case he tries to pull some fucked up shit, and figure a way out of this relationship.

  4. This is extremely toxic. Age gap has nothing to do with it. If he was 2 years younger than you it would be exactly equally toxic. You’re a sex worker for drugs, and he’s encouraging this dependency

  6. If you are attempting suicide, and have uncomfortable feelings because of things he’s done with you, you have problems.

    You should go to some trusted adult — parent, minister, teacher, social worker, someone — and tell them you want to go into rehab, and you have this older guy who has been supplying you with drugs and alcohol, and filming when he has sex with you. (The police, especially, might like to know about these things.) A rehabilitation center should help get you off the drugs and alcohol, but it will be a struggle; there should also be some therapy to help you deal with the problems you have that led to choices like your suicide attempt.

    There is a way to get out of this life situation that doesn’t involve suicide. You can do it. But it will take time and effort.

  7. Def grooming/sex trafficker behavior. Get a stay in a phyce ward, acase worker and a rehab bed and get out of this situation, or at the very least reach out ti friends/fam you trust and/or maybe a DV shelter.

  8. That is the very definition of grooming.

    Even if you’re technically “of age” preying on someone in their teenage years by utilizing drugs and alcohol (esp if you’re from the US because you’re not even drinking age yet) to get sex in return is grooming them.

  9. Hon,I got a daughter near your age I’d have fuckin killed that man.

    Get the heck away from him. Drugs are fun until they become what you do. Sounds like that’s the case. Knock it off with the drugs or at least find some hallucinogens and process this shit.

  10. This is beyond grooming. At best you’re being abused. You’ve described nonconsensual sex and nonconsensual filming. That’s sexual assault. It’s great that you are in a hospital. Hopefully you are receiving psychiatric care while you are there. Twice I’ve spent time (about a week each time) in psychiatric units for attempting suicide. In retrospect they were probably the most transformative times of my life. They certainly weren’t pleasant experiences but they forced me to begin understanding how much mental illness actually affects my life. It took me years to understand completely but I can trace the understanding to those hospitalizations. Hopefully you will find insight there as well.

  12. Please cut that man out of your life. Age gap, which is concerning aside, he’s enabling you probably in hopes that you’ll be dependent on him.

    He’s also selling you a lie, he’s not gonna take care of you.

  13. >I (19F) am having a sexual relationship with an older guy (42M).

    Read no further. Yes. There’s a reason no one in his age group wants him.

  14. Yes. These are all red flags.
    I would urge you to stop all contact with him and if you still have dependencies do what you can to find a treatment center or support group. Talk to a doctor and get help.

    With regards to him, everything here is very suspicious and alarming. It also sounds like abuse with a person who is obsessed with you sexually and doesn’t mind what is happening to your mind and body.

    I would involve an attorney or the police to get the images and videos permanently erased and put him on notice to cut off all contact.

    Good luck. I know this one will stay with me.

  16. He is taking advantage of you and your substance addiction.

    Lots of self destructive behavior here.

    Get rid of the drugs/alcohol, the suicidal behavior and this guy.

  18. Absolutely. This is an extremely toxic “relationship”. Talk to someone you trust or directly contact social services asap. I don’t know where you live so I can’t advice you exactly on who, what and where to contact, but do some research online to see if you can find an organization that could help.

  19. it’s not under the definition of grooming seeing as you are an adult but he is being a cunt, leave him

  20. Age gaps are problematic when they include a large gap in maturity, stability, independence, and the like. However, these behaviors aren’t okay outside of an age gap situation, it’s just that age gaps make these differences more likely.

  21. Yikesss. I’m sorry this is really bad. I was 20 to 23 when a man 10 yrs older was manipulating me. Now I see this age gap is very bad. It’s not normal

  22. As someone who has experience with a younger partner (my wife 32 my junior) this whole situation is bad. He should be trying to help you recover rather than be his porn fantasy. My suggestion – run. If you want to give him a chance he must help you rehab – period. No more video unless you are clean and sober.

  23. Get out. This will only get worse. Find a psyche word and tell the police, this person is trafficking you. Please run before he starts showing you to his friends.

  25. I think you posted here before under a different profile. Your bf is an asshole and you should leave and find someone who isn’t using you.

  26. Hey hon, you’re in the hospital, so there’s a good chance that there is help available. Get a nurse and ask to speak to the medical social worker. Tell the social worker what you’ve told us here.

  27. Mama, this man has been raping you using your addiction to do so. He sounds like a damn pimp that’s treating you like a sex slave.

    He does not care about you, he only cares about how he can take advantage of you. Abusers will treat you nicely, because obviously you’re gonna let someone nice around you, and you’re gonna be more permissive.

    Get the hell away from him, he’s likely to try to blackmail you with the sex content of you he has, but you were under influence of substances when it recorded so you couldn’t have given consent. It’d be revenge porn (which is a felony in some places, I think) not to mention evidence of rape (because, again, you were intoxicated). So yeah, get away from him, go to therapy and go to rehab asap.

  28. There are a couple of different definitions of grooming. One is specific to under-age people. The other, which definitely applies to you, is about grooming someone towards a state of dependency, typically for sexual favours, servitude (slavery), or money (trafficking). He’s trying to get material to blackmail you with, or potentially give you a drug addiction – in either case, his goal is to get you to do what he wants.

    The good thing is that if you’re currently in hospital you are in a great place to get access to a specialist who can help you. Please take it.

  29. My cousin went through this same scenario. If you quit the drugs this old creepy bastard loses his appeal real fast

  30. If you’re really in the hospital you need to be sincere and tell all of this to someone who works there. Even the nurse, they can help connect you to the appropriate persons, a professional should know. You don’t even have to say it out loud, write it down or even show them this post. You’re right at a crucial point where you are almost realizing the dangerous situation you’re in and you can start getting help even before you leave this hospital visit.

  32. >he gives me hard drugs and alcohol as I have a dependency.

    Yes. Please stop doing drugs and alcohol and get checked into rehabilitation and cut contact with this guy.

  34. Holy shit girl. There are so many crimes he’s committed and 100000% taking advantage of you.

  35. That’s not only grooming, that’s also >!rape!< , he had sex with you while you were in a state you couldn’t consent to and taped it. I’m sorry you’re going through all this, you need to tell someone irl (the police, therapist, family member, friend) even if it’s hard, issues like these need to be addressed irl not through reddit, please get help. Wishing you the best hun.

  36. This is 100% grooming, and it seems like he’s getting ready to exploit you. He is beyond dangerous. He had almost certainly done this to others and will absolutely do it to someone else. Talk to the social worker at the hospital about the situation ASAP. You need help to pull away from this dynamic.

    I’m so sorry you are experiencing all of this. I hope this is a chance to find help so you can begin a journey into healing. You are so much more than your traumas. You are so much more than the things people try to take from you. You have value and deserve to experience the best in yourself and in others.

    Sending love.

  37. OP, I had a patient once who was 18 and a heroin addict. She was hospitalized for an OD, but said her boyfriend (53M) would take care of her. Eventually found out he keeps supplying the drugs so she would stay. Wild and it broke my heart.

  39. Yeah no, your instincts are right. He’s creating a dependency to essentially make you his toy to play with…

  41. Please please please tell someone in your life – who cares about you – all of this. This is not safe or okay.

  43. Dude, this is literally a pamphlet description of grooming. Of COURSE he says nice things…he wants to keep getting those sexual acts, nudes, anything else. Of COURSE he films you having sex when he’s gotten you high or drunk…you’re less likely to say how uncomfortable it makes you.

    Please love yourself, work on yourself to realize how wonderful you are and the potential you have at being 19 and don’t let this older creep keep taking advantage of you and supporting this habit because he is ONLY DOING IT FOR HIS OWN WANTS AND NEEDS. *NOT YOUR NEEDS OR ANY CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH OR ACTUAL WELLBEING*

    It does feel really good to be wanted by someone and to feel “cared” for. But this is a selfish type of care and a selfish type of want.

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