Me (31F) and my partner (34M) have been together for over 5 years. We met in graduate school and moved to Europe together from North America to pursue our dream careers. We are currently long distance (France – UK) and have been for the last little while due to work contracts but have a plan to close the distance by next summer with him currently looking for work in my city. In the meantime, we make this work by calling everyday and also visiting each other once a month.
Our relationship has undoubtedly allowed us both to grow as individuals and that is one of the reasons I love him. He helped me to develop self-confidence, rebuild my ability to trust people after many failed relationships, and also to find my voice and communicate my needs and views. He encourages me to try new things which led me to finding my passion for running marathons. I have watched him grow as a person as well learning to better communicate his feelings, develop independence and to step outside of his comfort zone. We do still have our differences though, one of the major ones being that I enjoy socializing and hanging out with friends while he does not, and currently does not have any friends (despite me encouraging him to try to make some).
Over the past \~6 months, I have noticed my partner becoming increasingly jealous. He was never the jealous type in the past and was always fine with me having male friends. But more recently, this has shifted and has begun to interfere with my ability to maintain friendships. I became friends with a man (26M) that I work with and share an office with, and he views him as such a threat – and truly believes that he is just lurking on the sidelines waiting for his opportunity to make a move on me. He’s specifically requested that I do not spend time with this coworker alone outside of work, and got pretty worked up when I told him that my coworker is moving into the same residential complex as me (“It’s not fair that he will get to see you everyday even on the weekends when you’re at home and I can’t” as a quote).
The list of these paranoias of other men in my life can go on. A friend from middle school (31M) who I had lost touch with was visiting the city I live in and messaged me asking to meet up and my partner said to not respond since he clearly is just trying to hook up with me. My childhood friend (32M) who I have known and been extremely close to for over 20 years (and who is bisexual and currently engaged to a wonderful man) is a risk and shouldn’t stay with me when he visits “just in case he decides to try something”. In his eyes, every man is just waiting to have sex with me at any opportunity.
This jealousy and paranoia also has begun to extend to my wardrobe and how I dress as well. While I have always been slim, since getting into marathon running, I have gotten into much better shape and I will admit that I look great. He gets pretty grumpy that I run in bike shorts because “men will be able to stare at your butt” but he accepts this since I obviously have to wear \_something\_ to run in. However, when showing him some new long-line sports bras he noticed that I got as loungewear, you can see a faint outline of my nipple in them which he believes is “too inappropriate to wear in public”. After quite a bit of back and forth and me standing my ground telling him he was being ridiculous, he finally agreed that if I really wanted to I could wear them out in public but that he still thinks it’s inappropriate and doesn’t like it.
I am getting to a point now where I don’t know what to do. This doesn’t feel like the man that I know and I don’t understand why he is becoming so possessive and jealous suddenly. But I also don’t know how to solve this issue. I have tried talking to him about how ridiculous it all is and that he needs to stop being like this and it’s always spun as a “men can’t be trusted” or “you wouldn’t be happy if I brought a woman back to my room” which are both statements I don’t agree with. He equates me inviting male friends to my large, multi-room house (e.g., with a dining room and a living room for socializing) to being the same as him inviting a woman over to his studio apartment where the only furniture he has is a desk and his bed.
How do I effectively tell him that this behaviour has to stop without him spinning it in a different way? I am reaching my breaking point with all of it especially now that it extends to the clothes that I wear as well. Do I present this as an ultimatum of “stop acting this way or I’ll leave” or am I being extreme?
I know that some of the responses here can easily be “Just leave him”, this isn’t something I want to do currently. I want to try to work on this with him first and if he cannot change then I will re-evaluate the situation.
TLDR: My partner has suddenly becoming irrationally jealous and possessive of me and this extends to the clothes that I wear. How do I seriously broach this topic and make him see that he is being toxic?
10 comments
Whether it be a relationship or a job (which is like a relationship)
When the person becomes obsessively possessive and controlling and defensive of their security. It means they are insecure of their status, realize they offer nothing to the relationship. And easily replaceable and not easy to find something just as good
He needs to seek serious counselling. But to do that? He will need to admit he has a problem. If he won’t? Then that’s a massive problem in itself.
You also need to talk all this over with a professional. One that specializes in Domestic Violence & Coercive control.
He is displaying serious problems. It is good that you do not live together. But be very very careful. His demands upon you are seriously irrational and simply not part of a healthy relationship. It is very good that you aren’t accepting his demands and are not capitulating to his demands. Im sure you are well aware,? That once you start doing as he demands… The demands will escalate…and before you know it? He’s in control of your whole life.
It’s bizzare that this is a new thing. Or is it? Has he always commented on your clothes? Had a say ? Has he always commented on who you socialised with? But you just ignored it?
If it’s truly new? Can you pinpoint when it began? Did something happen?
I don’t want to frighten you. But his behaviour is seriously disturbing. And as he is not with you? When you DO meet up? Be very aware of your personal safety around him. Because if this is new? Then he may be more mentally disturbed than you think. He could be in some sort of delusional state. He could be quite paranoid & dangerous.
This doesn’t read like he’s becoming increasingly paranoid – it reads like he’s becoming increasingly controlling.
There are a shitton of red flags here. Run for the hills while he is still at a safe distance!
Why are you the person who has to fix this? This is his nasty, toxic, controlling behavior. Yet you’re supposed to be the one to fix it, guide him.
Yes, you can give him that ultimatum. I do not think that’s unreasonable. But given what you’ve said, nothing indicates that he is going to take your feelings with consideration and respect. So you need to understand that he will most likely not just suddenly realize he’s being toxic, but will instead whine/argue/dismiss you.
And if he does that, then you really do need to leave, because this road doesn’t usually get better. It will likely get worse when you two aren’t long distance, because he’ll be better able to isolate you.
Honestly, I’m not saying his behavior is okay or not indicative of work he needs to do, but I kind of get it. If my boyfriend lived far away, was jacked and the hottest he has ever been, and he was making new relationships with women, I think I would feel uncomfortable. Again, not that it’s okay, I’m just empathizing here. If he were hanging out with male friends, I would have zero issues with him going out. Would you honestly be perfectly okay with him spending his free time with women? Would there be no part of you that would be more comfortable with them being male friends? I don’t think he is like, going crazy with jealousy, I think it’s a relatively normal response. I think most people responding here would, if they were radically honest with themselves, have to admit that feelings of jealousy might come up for them. I think the long distance thing is hard enough on relationships, can hanging out with male friends take a back seat until you guys are together again? Can you spend time with female friends? I do truly wonder if he will feel like his secure self again when you are back together. And is there any part of you that is enjoying the male attention? I’m not saying that you are, just reflecting what’s going on in my mind. I honestly think I would be if I were you. Just my two cents.
Because you’re closing the gap soon, I have to warn you that abusers usually don’t reveal their abusive, controlling tendencies until they feel pretty secure in the relationship, like after a move, engagement, pregnancy, etc.
When he moves in, he will have no friends and will seek no friends and will pressure you to spend every waking moment with him and only him.
These kinds of guys just get worse and worse over time with their controlling bullshit, and many become violent. Seriously, these are the kinds of guys you end up hearing about on the news.
Don’t become a statistic. Dump him. Now.
He sounds exhausting..